Jenny is Stuck in a Hole Without a Shovel...
This is the last thing I want to have to do, but I don’t know where else to turn.
Some of you know about the events that transpired the second half of 2020 for me. I needn’t rehash that here, but suffice to say I sunk $15,000 of my personal income last year into a failed attempt to help loved one out of an abusive environment and get them back on their feet.
You live and you learn.
And I’m still learning. How to manage myself, my budget, my life. How to be a right and proper adult, even at my age.
My situation at this time is that I have gotten stuck in a vicious loop of payday advance apps...I’m now a full pay-cycle behind, my whole check goes to paying back what I borrowed against the previous check (with plenty of interest, of course). I am digging myself deeper and deeper, and I have not had much of the built-in safety net that so many others seem to have, not since I was put out on the street at 17 by the maternal grandparents who reluctantly raised me but haven’t spoken to me in years. (Raise your hand if you are also the “black sheep” of the fam, eh!? )
Hence the amount I selected as a goal, since it was a required step in creating this thing, is the cost of one month of my rent here in NYC. When I moved in here with my partner at the time, we were splitting the rent, but since we broke our engagement last summer I’ve been responsible for the full cost plus several hundred in utilities, month after month (including the 6 months during which I had a roommate who never paid a cent and had me sleeping on my own couch...again, I have no wish to shame or blame in any way, I am just trying to take care of me, here, for once...). My sublet is up in August and I dearly look forward to getting back into a more affordable situation then if not sooner.
I only have myself to blame for all and any bad decisions I’ve made surrounding money, and I own that completely. I’m a mess when it comes to numbers, up to and including finance, I can’t do mental math to save my life and all the apps and tools I’ve tried have so far failed to do the trick yet. I need to learn better discipline and self-denial for long-term gain.
I am trying.
All I know is I can’t live like this a second longer, though, and am working on myself as hard as I can in therapy to address how arrested my development has been, to slowly but surely gain the skills that everyone around me seems to have but which I so obviously and acutely lack...
COVID has hit all of us so hard, especially in the wallet, so I have no expectations or feelings of entitlement surrounding this. I know that people will give if they feel moved to and have the ability to do so. I can’t promise I’ll be able topay anyone back, at least not any time soon, but what I can absolutely promise to do is pay it forward. Those who know me well know that I live my life devoted to service to others as a Librarian, and that I continually give whatever I can spare to those I love any time I possess the means to do so.
I don’t expect to hit the target amount, that seems so crazy, but please know that ANYTHING helps. The woman I’m subletting from has been stuck repeatedly covering for me, and my guilt runs deep there, I am running out of chances and I just want to be able to pay my full rent somewhat close to on time for the first time in months and months, darn it. I’m only asking for 10% of the amount that I ultimately lost to the inclinations of my bleeding heart when I took in my erstwhile best friend last summer, but it still feels like I’m asking for the moon. So please know that even 5 dollars is appreciated to the bottom of my heart.
I was raised to be a bootstrap-puller, and I have yearned for steady self-sufficiency my whole life. But now I’ve hit a bottom, and it seems to be time to turn to community for a solution. If you know me at all then you know I am a Commensuralist who believes in resources flowing through communities, friends helping friends, loving reciprocation, from ability according to need etc. Funny how it’s different somehow when it comes to myself, but that’s human nature I guess. The feeling that I deserve to drown.
But you have affirmed to me that I *don’t* deserve that, and I’m trying my best to believe you...to believe in myself. And I don’t just have myself to worry about. I have two amazing, perfect kittens who always need food and vet appointments, etc etc (fellow pet-owners will understand) and my biggest anxiety has been worrying not about where MY next meal is coming from but rather to ensure that they are properly cared for and doing ok ❤️
So, here we go, I will stop second guessing myself and hit Post on this thing now, knowing full well I will be judged and shamed and certainly lose a friend if two in the process. I’m willing to accept that if it means I can once again sleep at night and not spend hours tossing and turning, tortured by pecuniary fear and insecurity. I do not frame myself as a victim of anything deeper than circumstance + my own shortcomings, I’m not seeking anyone’s pity, but I also just cannot cry myself to sleep at night over this anymore. Life is already heartbreaking enough even at its best, for anyone and everyone just trying to be a human being on this planet we all share.
“There will be better days...”
In profound and sincere gratitude and appreciation,
Jenny