Have you ever prayed for something half-believing it would be done only to find out when your prayer is answered you didn't fully believe because you thought you didn't deserve what you were praying about in the first place? Yeah, me too!

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had two loves: God and music. I didn't know early on that the cadence of my heart was really pointing me in the direction of purpose. I just knew something happened when I sang; I was transported to a place where love was all there was and I was safe there. The thing about it is that we are usually the last ones to realize our callings while others think it should be so obvious.

I would sing for HOURS alone in my room—I'd sing deep love songs that made my heart feel. I absolutely loved music, all kinds. Despite that fact, I never considered myself a musician. I thought my gift was always second to someone else's. Maybe it was all the talent competitions I sang in and came in second place, or the fact that I went to schools for the performing arts, and every time I did what I loved I was judged for it. I don't know, but what is certain is that I learned to judge myself harshly—all...the...time. I would walk off the stage expecting to hear where I could've done better, and all the accolades in the world couldn't convince me that I was a musician. By the time I got to college, I had fully convinced myself that I was delusional if I thought music was my calling.

For over ten years, I stopped singing and made up every excuse about why:

"I'm a Mom now; I have to focus on my children."
"I'm a student and full-time employee; there's no time for that."

And the clincher, "I don't really enjoy singing anymore; I'm no good at it."

I call those my dark ages. The funny thing is that every time I even TRIED to sing during that period, I sounded HORRIBLE! And each time, my heart grew more and more convinced of the lies fear whispered to me.

I don't remember the precise moment music came alive in me again. Maybe it was one of the countless conversations I had with my cousin, or my mother, or my brother, or the person who said I was wasting my talent looking for signs (that stung to hear). I don't know exactly how God helped me to push past the immense fear that had taken over whenever I even thought about singing in front of others. But maybe it was when I walked into a little church (late) and heard:

Shout to the Lord, all the Earth
Let us sing, power and majesty
Praise to the King!
Mountains bow down
And the seas will roar
At the sound of Your Name

I sing for joy
At the works of Your hands
Forever I'll love You
Forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise
I have in you!

Those words rang in my ears and before I knew it, they flowed right over my lips. I knew somehow that the words were true—nothing I had convinced myself of as being more important, responsible, better suited for me (yada yada), could compare with the promise of the joy singing to Him, with Him (did you know God sings over us?), for Him would bring.

Or maybe it was when I was hiding in the alto section of my church choir when our director said, "I want you to sing a solo." Wait, what?! No, I don't do solos! I'm right at home in the sea of powerhouse voices and happy to drown there (you would be, too). But God was ready even when I didn't know I was:

"For every mountain
You've brought me over
For every trial
You've seen me through
For every triumph
HALLELUJAH
For this, I give you praise"

That song swallowed me whole. I sang it over and over and over and found myself swept away so deep in Him every...single...time! Yes, that was my song. I sang it with all of my being. While I did, no one else existed and fear was no match for the thanks God deserved.

Or it could have been my husband praying over me, speaking God's plans into me and then calling me forward to sing before he preached.

"There is a Name
That is so precious
A Name so wonderful to me
This Name is worthy of all praises
Because of Him, I am made free
*****
This Name speaks peace
Unto my storm clouds
This Name speaks calm
Unto my fears
And when I feel that no one loves me
His loving presence is so near
*****
Praise that Name
Praise that Name
Praise that Name
PRAISE that NAME

Someday I'll leave this earthly dwelling
Through time and space
My soul will soar
And finally see the face of Jesus
And praise that Name forevermore

That Name is Jesus
Oh, how I love Him
The One who gave His life for me
Because of love so unconditional
I will have life eternally
Oh! Matchless is that Name
Oh! Glorious is that Name
Oh! Wonderful is that Name
Just PRAISE THAT NAME!"

Eyes closed, head back, praising the Name above every name—I was gone. I opened my tear-soaked eyes to a room of uplifted hands, and we stood in that moment: a body united in lavishing love on our great God!

Yes, this is my calling. This year, it's no longer about silencing fear. After years of doing it afraid, worship through song has become my gift back to God. What I can offer Him through it is far greater than anything else I could try to substitute. God took years to unfold His plan to me. It transcends my original vision of success and is now a vision of legacy. Just as others' songs spoke into me and carried me away to His throne, I have a calling to do the same. He showed me myself writing, speaking and singing. He confirmed it through others who never could have known—I was way too guarded to share the totality of His plans. He has a sound that will allow Heaven and Earth to connect and I mean no arrogance here, but I am called to express it.

A couple of months ago, I found out about a summer intensive designed for people like me. It's called WorshipU, and it's held at Bethel Church in Redding, CA. Getting back to my half-believed prayer, I asked Him to open the door for me to go. There was an application process, and I was accepted! I will stand in an intimate room of powerful worshippers who are touching the world with their music. I will reacquaint myself with music theory, voice lessons and piano skills. I will be able to sharpen songs I've written, but have been too unpolished to reveal. Layered over all of that will be the opportunity to learn directly under some of the best worship leaders alive! But of greatest import is the time to get steeped in God's presence, hear from Him daily alongside other hungry souls, and come away with greater clarity and resolve. He has said that this will be a season of graduation from preparation to purpose.

This is where GoFundMe comes in. I need help to get there. I believe I'm supposed to ask those who know and believe in me to partner with God and me on this. I am completely humbled by the way He has already provided for the full tuition. My husband made sure it happened, but we still have travel and accommodation costs. School starts July 11, so the race is on. I'm grateful that you've even read this far. Thank you for praying with me, praying for this trip, and for believing in me. Thank you also in advance for helping me get there. I am tremendously blessed and cannot adequately convey my overwhelming gratitude. Thank you so very much!