Round 1 IVF/INVOCELLfor Baby Blazek
Donation protected
"Infertility is like a spectator sport. I feel like I'm the only one in the bleachers watching everyone play and I'm unqualified to join the team." Meredth Hodge
This is difficult to write about but here it goes. Michael (29) and I (27) have been married for almost 4 years though we have been together for almost 11. We met during our high school years. We knew early into a marriage that we wanted to be parents but due to military obligations we held off. We expanded our family with two adorable fur babies and focused on enjoying our time at my first duty station in Hawaii. Come summer of 2015 after our first anniversary we were hit with baby fever. We tried with the enthusiasm of those hopeful to be parents in coming months. Though months passed and we received nothing but negative pregnancy tests and disappointments. During this time though I had had a gut feeling that there was something wrong with me.
You know those deep down gut feelings when you just know in your heart of hearts that there’s something that’s not right? I experienced that on a daily basis. Finally, I set up an appointment with the army medical treatment facility. After a wide array of tests, I discovered I had had all of the standard symptoms of Type A PCOS, high androgen levels, cysts on my ovaries and the worst part of all anovulation. My husband went through his testing as well and thankfully all came out normal. Trying to remain as positive as possible we began following our doctor’s advice to try to be healthier as well as begin taking prenatals, and metformin. We also began our first of a couple rounds of Clomid. We discovered that my body has trouble responding to Clomid and we began a couple rounds of Femara. Thankfully with Femara my body responded and we were able to induce ovulation once we had an egg that was big enough and try timed intercourse. Unfortunately, it didn’t take and we were once again left with a big fat negative. Due to the failures our doctor suggested we try an IUI. Our treatment day came and just so happened to be the day before my husband’s birthday. Then began to 2 week wait. We held out hope crossed all our fingers and toes and prayed. My body acted like I was pregnant but sadly we were again met with a negative test. As fate would have it, it was the very day that we decided we would try another round that I received my orders. It seemed like fate wanted us to take a break and give us a chance to recover emotionally and mentally from our infertility.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Infertility should be classified as an ugly four letter word; one that should never be spoken, heard, nor felt. For there is a unique and unexplainable kind of pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child who never comes.
Infertility is a crippling and consuming trial. It evokes a sacred sadness, but not the kind of sadness where you cry all of the time, but more like a sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. You feel weak and utterly tired, yet you can't sleep because the sadness is caught in your dreams too, it's almost a grief you can't seem to escape.
In my heart i know I'm meant to be a mom, just as mike is meant to be a dad, and while we don't discuss it with others seeing pregnancy announcements, baby shower requests and first birthday requests all slowly eat away at our hope.
I know for myself that I feel terrible because often seeing these requests causes jealousy to rear its ugly head. I want to feel happy for those that are getting these joys but at the same time I'm angry, jealous and sad which makes me feel worse because often those people are my friends, people I call my family. Then the fear sets in, the fear that I'm getting older and wont get to experience that happiness.
I worry that I wont get to experience the joy of seeing those two pink lines. See the surprise and love on my husbands face as I tell him that hes going to be a daddy.
I'm scared that we'll never get the chance to hear our child's heartbeat fill a room as we see our little bean on an ultra sound machine.
It fills be with dread that I may never feel my child kick or having my husband kiss my stomach where our child would be growing.
It devastates me that i may never feel that pain to bring our child into the world. Too hear our child cry out as it enters the world. To watch the elation on my husband face as he holds our child for the first time. To feel that since of completion as our child nurses.
I want to experience it all. Every little thing that most women complain about while being pregnant I embrace with everything I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We moved to our new duty station and bought our first home, making sure that we would have room for another person. Once able we contacted the reproductive endocrinologist at the local military hospital. After some tests my doctor determined that I had a great ovarian reserve but my ovaries just did not want to allow my eggs to mature. We were informed that our best chance of conceiving was through IVF. Unfortunately, Tricare does not cover IVF and though there are military facilities that cover IVF for a slightly cheaper cost the wait is close to 2 years, meaning by the time we may be at the top of the list we would be changing duty stations. This is why we’re asking for help with the process of starting our family.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. It was so therapeutic to get my story out of my heart and into words. Thank you for being part of our lives and for all the love and support you have given us.
“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”
― Laura Bush, Spoken from the Heart
This is difficult to write about but here it goes. Michael (29) and I (27) have been married for almost 4 years though we have been together for almost 11. We met during our high school years. We knew early into a marriage that we wanted to be parents but due to military obligations we held off. We expanded our family with two adorable fur babies and focused on enjoying our time at my first duty station in Hawaii. Come summer of 2015 after our first anniversary we were hit with baby fever. We tried with the enthusiasm of those hopeful to be parents in coming months. Though months passed and we received nothing but negative pregnancy tests and disappointments. During this time though I had had a gut feeling that there was something wrong with me.
You know those deep down gut feelings when you just know in your heart of hearts that there’s something that’s not right? I experienced that on a daily basis. Finally, I set up an appointment with the army medical treatment facility. After a wide array of tests, I discovered I had had all of the standard symptoms of Type A PCOS, high androgen levels, cysts on my ovaries and the worst part of all anovulation. My husband went through his testing as well and thankfully all came out normal. Trying to remain as positive as possible we began following our doctor’s advice to try to be healthier as well as begin taking prenatals, and metformin. We also began our first of a couple rounds of Clomid. We discovered that my body has trouble responding to Clomid and we began a couple rounds of Femara. Thankfully with Femara my body responded and we were able to induce ovulation once we had an egg that was big enough and try timed intercourse. Unfortunately, it didn’t take and we were once again left with a big fat negative. Due to the failures our doctor suggested we try an IUI. Our treatment day came and just so happened to be the day before my husband’s birthday. Then began to 2 week wait. We held out hope crossed all our fingers and toes and prayed. My body acted like I was pregnant but sadly we were again met with a negative test. As fate would have it, it was the very day that we decided we would try another round that I received my orders. It seemed like fate wanted us to take a break and give us a chance to recover emotionally and mentally from our infertility.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Infertility should be classified as an ugly four letter word; one that should never be spoken, heard, nor felt. For there is a unique and unexplainable kind of pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child who never comes.
Infertility is a crippling and consuming trial. It evokes a sacred sadness, but not the kind of sadness where you cry all of the time, but more like a sadness that overwhelms your entire body, leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty. You feel weak and utterly tired, yet you can't sleep because the sadness is caught in your dreams too, it's almost a grief you can't seem to escape.
In my heart i know I'm meant to be a mom, just as mike is meant to be a dad, and while we don't discuss it with others seeing pregnancy announcements, baby shower requests and first birthday requests all slowly eat away at our hope.
I know for myself that I feel terrible because often seeing these requests causes jealousy to rear its ugly head. I want to feel happy for those that are getting these joys but at the same time I'm angry, jealous and sad which makes me feel worse because often those people are my friends, people I call my family. Then the fear sets in, the fear that I'm getting older and wont get to experience that happiness.
I worry that I wont get to experience the joy of seeing those two pink lines. See the surprise and love on my husbands face as I tell him that hes going to be a daddy.
I'm scared that we'll never get the chance to hear our child's heartbeat fill a room as we see our little bean on an ultra sound machine.
It fills be with dread that I may never feel my child kick or having my husband kiss my stomach where our child would be growing.
It devastates me that i may never feel that pain to bring our child into the world. Too hear our child cry out as it enters the world. To watch the elation on my husband face as he holds our child for the first time. To feel that since of completion as our child nurses.
I want to experience it all. Every little thing that most women complain about while being pregnant I embrace with everything I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We moved to our new duty station and bought our first home, making sure that we would have room for another person. Once able we contacted the reproductive endocrinologist at the local military hospital. After some tests my doctor determined that I had a great ovarian reserve but my ovaries just did not want to allow my eggs to mature. We were informed that our best chance of conceiving was through IVF. Unfortunately, Tricare does not cover IVF and though there are military facilities that cover IVF for a slightly cheaper cost the wait is close to 2 years, meaning by the time we may be at the top of the list we would be changing duty stations. This is why we’re asking for help with the process of starting our family.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. It was so therapeutic to get my story out of my heart and into words. Thank you for being part of our lives and for all the love and support you have given us.“The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”
― Laura Bush, Spoken from the Heart
Organizer
Brittany Patterson Blazek
Organizer
Virginia Beach, VA