- K
- S
“For the first 30 years of life, you keep learning. The rest of your life, you keep unlearning what you had learned.” Ankala Subbarao
Imagine being trapped most of your life in a circumstance that you can’t escape, without even knowing what is really wrong. For the longest time, my husband was in such a conundrum. He was born intersex. His parents were told to make a decision… choose a gender that their child will identify with for the rest of his/her life. They chose a daughter.
This condition is more common than most people realize. While there is some debate about what exactly counts as intersex, the number of people who are born with noticeably different genitalia are between 1 in 1,500 to 1 in 2,000 (https://isna.org/faq/frequency/). Standard medical practice for people born this way is to have the parents choose which gender they want their baby to grow up as, surgically alter the infant’s genitalia to match the parents’ decision, and then coach the parents to raise that child with very narrow gender roles, trusting that in a nature-vs-nurture worldview, the “nurturing” of the child in this way will prompt them to identify as the parents’ chosen gender (https://isna.org/faq/concealment/). This is how my husband was raised – as a girl, with a very narrow definition of what that means.
Stefan didn’t even know that he was born intersex until he was 18, when a therapist that he was seeing had the courage to truly listen to him and delve into his history in a way no one else had ever done before. No one had ever told him why he’d been raised so narrowly, or why he had to have ongoing surgeries to his reproductive system throughout his childhood. Ever since he was 18, he’s been on a journey to re-discover his true self and re-create himself into the man he truly is.
Everyone deserves to live their best life, comfortable in their own skin and consciously creating their identity. This is a lifelong journey for every human being, but for most intersex people this process is undertaken at an entirely different level. Stefan has had to unlearn all the stereotypes that he was supposed to accept, all the negative judgments, and all the frustrations that he had to bear over the years – both about what it means to be masculine or feminine in a general sense, and also more specifically about who he is and his purpose in life. "You must unlearn what you have been programmed to believe since birth. That software no longer serves you if you want to live in a world where all things are possible." - Jacqueline E. Purcell
Stefan and I met just over 6 years ago and have been married for about 2 1/2 years. He always strives to be his most authentic self no matter where he is or what he’s doing. He’s managed to break the shackles of his upbringing (be they voluntary or imposed by others) and relearn how to truly be himself.
Stefan has one last step left on the physical side of his transformation, a penile reconstruction surgery known as a phalloplasty. This would not only help him completely identify with his body but also improve the quality of his life and that of our marriage. We have researched our options and have found one that is both decently priced and less risky. The surgery is performed by Dr. Rados Djinovic and team at the Sava Perovic Foundation in Serbia. He specializes in urogenital reconstructive surgeries and has a good number of positive reviews online. You may learn more about the Sava Perovic Foundation by visiting www.savaperovic.com .
The surgery is done in 3 stages and costs around $60,000, plus travel and stay between each stage. My husband and I are well aware that any kind of surgery comes with risks, and that is also outlined on the Sava Perovic website: https://www.savaperovic.com/surgical-phalloplasty-operation.htm
The surgery, while being far less than a similar surgery done in the US would be if paid out of pocket, has been economically out of our reach on our own. There will never be ideal circumstances to go after any kind of major life transformation like this, as life really gives no one a break. We’ve learned over the years that it’s best to go after what we truly want for our lives instead of constantly waiting for the “right time.” So we’ve decided to finally take the plunge and grab the reins of our lives.
We figure if around 7,000 people donate around $10 each, we would be able to reach our goal. All the money raised will go toward the 3 stages of the surgery and the accompanying travel expenses between each stage.
Imagine being trapped most of your life in a circumstance that you can’t escape, without even knowing what is really wrong. For the longest time, my husband was in such a conundrum. He was born intersex. His parents were told to make a decision… choose a gender that their child will identify with for the rest of his/her life. They chose a daughter.
This condition is more common than most people realize. While there is some debate about what exactly counts as intersex, the number of people who are born with noticeably different genitalia are between 1 in 1,500 to 1 in 2,000 (https://isna.org/faq/frequency/). Standard medical practice for people born this way is to have the parents choose which gender they want their baby to grow up as, surgically alter the infant’s genitalia to match the parents’ decision, and then coach the parents to raise that child with very narrow gender roles, trusting that in a nature-vs-nurture worldview, the “nurturing” of the child in this way will prompt them to identify as the parents’ chosen gender (https://isna.org/faq/concealment/). This is how my husband was raised – as a girl, with a very narrow definition of what that means.
Stefan didn’t even know that he was born intersex until he was 18, when a therapist that he was seeing had the courage to truly listen to him and delve into his history in a way no one else had ever done before. No one had ever told him why he’d been raised so narrowly, or why he had to have ongoing surgeries to his reproductive system throughout his childhood. Ever since he was 18, he’s been on a journey to re-discover his true self and re-create himself into the man he truly is.
Everyone deserves to live their best life, comfortable in their own skin and consciously creating their identity. This is a lifelong journey for every human being, but for most intersex people this process is undertaken at an entirely different level. Stefan has had to unlearn all the stereotypes that he was supposed to accept, all the negative judgments, and all the frustrations that he had to bear over the years – both about what it means to be masculine or feminine in a general sense, and also more specifically about who he is and his purpose in life. "You must unlearn what you have been programmed to believe since birth. That software no longer serves you if you want to live in a world where all things are possible." - Jacqueline E. Purcell
Stefan and I met just over 6 years ago and have been married for about 2 1/2 years. He always strives to be his most authentic self no matter where he is or what he’s doing. He’s managed to break the shackles of his upbringing (be they voluntary or imposed by others) and relearn how to truly be himself.
Stefan has one last step left on the physical side of his transformation, a penile reconstruction surgery known as a phalloplasty. This would not only help him completely identify with his body but also improve the quality of his life and that of our marriage. We have researched our options and have found one that is both decently priced and less risky. The surgery is performed by Dr. Rados Djinovic and team at the Sava Perovic Foundation in Serbia. He specializes in urogenital reconstructive surgeries and has a good number of positive reviews online. You may learn more about the Sava Perovic Foundation by visiting www.savaperovic.com .
The surgery is done in 3 stages and costs around $60,000, plus travel and stay between each stage. My husband and I are well aware that any kind of surgery comes with risks, and that is also outlined on the Sava Perovic website: https://www.savaperovic.com/surgical-phalloplasty-operation.htm
The surgery, while being far less than a similar surgery done in the US would be if paid out of pocket, has been economically out of our reach on our own. There will never be ideal circumstances to go after any kind of major life transformation like this, as life really gives no one a break. We’ve learned over the years that it’s best to go after what we truly want for our lives instead of constantly waiting for the “right time.” So we’ve decided to finally take the plunge and grab the reins of our lives.
We figure if around 7,000 people donate around $10 each, we would be able to reach our goal. All the money raised will go toward the 3 stages of the surgery and the accompanying travel expenses between each stage.