It’s ok to say, “I’M NOT OK!”

It’s ok to say, “I’M NOT OK!”

For those of you closest to me, which is the majority of you that are my friends, you know that I have suffered from mental health issues in the past; most importantly, multiple suicide attempts, AND AM GRATEFUL TO BE HERE!

For some of you, understanding mental health is difficult. Some may suffer depression for periods of time, some may be triggered by PTSD, suffer from substance abuse, medication withdrawal, new medications symptoms you aren’t even aware of, sudden loss of family members, SUICIDE DOES NOT HAVE A NAME UNLESS YOU GIVE IT ONE.

The purpose for my GoFundMe is to say that THE STRUGGLES ARE REAL! Some of us suffer in the quiet with a smile on our face. That smile may come with a name, TRAUMA! In order for you to understand the smile, I did some soul searching and realized that I owe it to the ones that love and care about me (my brothers and sisters that have my back) to be vulnerable and say, “I’M NOT OK”.

My friends and family commend me on how strong I am and how they look up to me for being just that and persevering through all I have been through. Yet, I’m tired and keep asking God for every morsel of strength he can throw at me. That’s when I realized, I can’t walk this journey alone. I can’t pretend to be OK anymore.

I am struggling physically and giving it all I can with vitamins exercise, doctors, etc, and the tests are still coming.

I have recently lost my dear close cousin and mother all in the last two months.

I have borrowed to make ends meet, (those of you know who you are and thank you from the bottom of my heart), and the weight hangs over me. I started housekeeping as a means to make extra money, so if anyone needs a Ms. Clean, I’m your girl!!!

For those that don’t know, I suffered an accident in July that left me with 4 surgeries to my left leg. I have since recovered and the other health issues are now found to not be related.

To not have a voice before, seemed difficult. To not have a voice with a double vocal cord paralyzation at the age of 53, when you’re as talkative as me seems unfathomable at times. I will make it, just don’t have me order your food through the drive-thru!

These are just the top of the surface issues. Of course, there are many other sensitive private personal issues that add to the layers of pain, hurt, stress, and sadness.

I have been going to counseling for years and my prior counselor was off due to a medical issue and has not yet returned. I had to seek other counseling recently. I need more therapy and am going to continue with the new counselor; however, four walls full of counselors and crayons is not it. No offense for those of you seeking treatment, I’ve had my turn and was denied the last time for being too complex. For those that know me, know this to be true! I want to runaway, but nowhere to run. Being sober 6 1/2 years and on the same medication regimen, for the most part drama free (LOL), I am able to regulate the mind easier and trying to maintain a positive balance, but ANY human can only withstand so much.

My last suicide attempt was in 2016 and I have come along way. I AM NOT CURRENTLY SUICIDAL; however, I wasn’t in the past either. I will though tell you that medication played a contributing factor, and so did alcohol at different times. I have been sober 6 1/2 years, and even went 2 years without dating (that was a feat in itself). Learning to love me for me and gaining clarity was the best gift I could ever give myself.

However, life can get heavy and knowing myself I know when I need to surrender and waive the white flag and ask for help before I spiral down a long a winding road that could potentially be DANGEROUS! I have pulled a few short straws and have come close to behaviors that could be tempting and detrimental to my sobriety, and ultimately me. I can honestly say, I haven’t felt this overwhelmed since 2016.

I know the warning signs and I know my threshold level and am on reserve. I was contemplating letting my credit card debt hangover, talk to debt consolidation. I’m trying to rent the place I’m renting just to have positive cash flow due to recent events, life, etc, and crawl into bed for a long winter’s nap.

Then, I got a text this morning from a dear friend, asking if I would like to come visit down in LA. A simple trip, but I couldn’t express my position out of shame. Then, I get offered a trip of a lifetime, a two-week touring excursion on my motorcycle with room and excursions covered if I could just pay for my gas and food, NOT A CHANCE!!

I’m not asking for a free vacation, I’m asking for help to give me the peace that my body, mind and soul need by being able to first take care of my financial obligations temporarily and hopefully allow funds to be able to get away from life’s strongholds and retreat to renew my mind and spirit and come back refreshed and ready to fight stronger and harder than before. As many of you know, you can’t fight weak and expect to win. I am a winner in life no matter how you look at it. I JUST NEED A MENTAL BREAK TO GET AWAY AND BREATHE, NOT A MENTAL HEALTH BREAKDOWN!!

I prayed about it and have been struggling the last few days over the words that everyone says when you’re hurting, “Let me know if you need anything”. Yet, when you ask or tell them without prefacing how you are feeling they may tend to feel there is a hidden agenda.

I have NO SHAME ANYMORE in saying where I have been, or the state in which I currently am at. If I am going to be capable of asking ANYONE ONE OF YOU, I needed to be capable of being completely transparent and vulnerable. Being a suicide survivor, if I can’t profess HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO BE HERE and ask for help from my sisters and brothers and be an advocate for myself and others, then I’m not doing what I am put here on earth to do. I am putting the pride aside to let you know, too “IT’S OK TO NOT BE OK!”

As I say, I didn’t particularly care for my first 50, but I’m looking for to the next 50!

Any dollar helps me not ask one friend alone. I just appreciate you reading this if anything else, and ask that if you aren’t able to donate, please help those that you love and may be smiling Sometimes you never know what is hidden behind it! Love all of you! ❤️

If anyone you know is suffering from depression or needs help, NEVER HESITATE TO CALL THE SUICIDE PREVENT HOTLINE # 988