cw: photos at end

Iris Rytov was stillborn at sixteen weeks.

In the middle of the night on a Tuesday, I woke up soaked; when I went to the bathroom, my worst fear was confirmed: my waters had broken. I went to the hospital, where nurses verified fetal heart tones and I was admitted. I didn't immediately go into labor, however, so I was sent home, where I did begin laboring. At a second trip to the hospital, I was informed that my body could labor for weeks and I should go home on modified bedrest. Due to the ruptured membranes, of course, infection was likely, but, as long as there were fetal heart tones, labor could not be induced to protect me. We would later learn, after my placenta was examined, that infection had indeed set in.

Late another night, I did go into labor, and I returned to the hospital for the third time. I was admitted. There were still fetal heart tones, so I was told to just lie in the bed and labor, even though my cervix wasn't really doing much. As well--because there were fetal heart tones--I was given nothing for pain control, and an epidural was unsuccessful. By the following morning, Iris's heart had stopped. Immediately, my OB administered misoprostol (Cytotec), and Iris was delivered within minutes. I held her. My husband, her father, held her. After the nurse wrapped her, we each held her again. The abject agony of holding her but of never having heard her cry will remain with me viscerally the rest of my life.

We have accumulated hospital bills. My husband missed that week of work, and my own work schedule suffered. We had not budgeted for funeral expenses. Any support, as well as healing energy and thoughts and prayers, is deeply appreciated.