I’m suffering so much in silence, please help me
My name is Omni Ma’at I am a homeschooling single mother, artist, and entrepreneur. I have dedicated my entire life to be in the best mother that I can be as well as to the hospitality and service industry. For the last seven years I completely dedicated myself to being a spiritual leader in my community. I am an ordained minister in the state of Connecticut, Howard university graduate, and someone who is considered to be very accomplished in their own right.
However, I am also someone who suffers greatly in silence because keeping your pain to yourself was something I was raised to do. It has been a form of self betrayal which is slowly killing me and causing me to crumble. I am living with chronic illness and I can’t do this anymore. Strong black woman syndrome cause me to go into a deep burn out, one of which I am still trying hard to recover from. I have asked for help and not received it. I have begged for support and not been able to find it. My fear is that my body or spirit will give out before I’m able to find a solution.
Although I am doing my very best to create a wonderful life for me and my two children I suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, chronic loneliness, and physical issues. The aforementioned issues cause me a great deal of fatigue and physical pain in my neck, back, shoulders, and stomach. It’s almost as if I am afraid to go to bed on a daily basis because I know that I will wake up in body pain. I fight through the constant fatigue, guilt of feeling fatigued, guilt of not being able to do as much as other people, and guilt of not able to get through my day every day today.
In addition to that for seven days out of the month I am completely incapacitated because I get horrifically painful periods. They leave me balled over in pain, vomiting, and wanting to give up all together. During times like these I am unable to work and if I do not work I cannot support myself and my family. So basically there’s a week out of the month that takes me out and then I’m an either physical or mental pain the rest of the time while trying to put on a brave face.
The reason I am writing this is because even if I don’t receive any support, which I desperately need, at least I will have said out loud what I am going to do it. As an entrepreneur money has been slow and I am surviving off of my savings. At least if anything happens to me people will know why. I just had to say my story out loud because I feel like it’s a step in trying to save myself.
I have gone to doctors for many years who have done nothing to help me or offer me any answers on how to help myself. I spend my days researching my conditions and trying to heal myself which takes up a lot of time. The remedies that I do use are not covered by insurance and all have to be paid for out of pocket. If there is anyone out there who has allocated monetary support for people with stories like mine, in situations like mine, I would greatly appreciate it. Your support would allow me to take care of myself when I normally wouldn’t be able to because I have to choose between working and taking care of myself. Your support will allow me to rest when I’m tired. Your support will allow me to order a meal for myself when I simply cannot get out to cook. Your support will allow me to not spend time worrying about how I will pay my rent and bills when I should be worrying about alleviating the pain radiating through my body. I absolutely appreciate every single dollar that comes my way. No support is too small or too big and I am eternally grateful to those who help me.