I'm scared - escaping abuse & starting over after 18 years

Hi, I’m Amber. Thank you so very much for reading this. I appreciate your time!

I have spent the last 18 years (45 if you want to get specific) living a lie and hiding my truth from the world. I never thought I’d create one of these because I've never felt that the world sees me, and I never get traction when I try to put myself out there, but here I am. I am finally broken and asking for any help. Even just sharing this would be amazing!

After 18 years in an abusive relationship, I’m trying to get out, heal, survive and maybe for once in my life, feel true happiness. I’ve lost almost everything, including my financial stability, safety and peace of mind.

I’m currently still stuck living in the same house as the person who hurt(s) me. I need help to get out and rebuild.

Your donations will help me:

If I'm able to raise enough I might finally be able to move into a place of my own with my pets (he’d scream at me whenever I asked about having kids, so I gave up altogether. My pets became my children and are truly the only reason I’m still here today), continue to cover therapy & medication and maybe pay down the survival debt that's been hanging over my head for years.

On top of everything else, I live with multiple chronic health conditions, including fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, and fatigue that makes even basic tasks feel overwhelming.

Learning I am AuDHD has explained so much about why I’ve always struggled silently while appearing “capable.” But understanding it doesn’t erase the daily battle of executive dysfunction and emotional exhaustion. It’s why even the smallest task feels monumental, and why I need more support to get out of survival mode and finally build something real. I often experience sensory overload, burnout, and executive dysfunction that traps me in survival mode.

I’ve been trying to start a small business to support myself, but imposter syndrome, a profound lack of confidence, and being in a constant functional freeze (starting EMDR therapy to hopefully help with this!) have made it hard to make any real progress. I want to move forward so badly, but I just need the stability to do so.

I have survived years of yelling, name-calling, swearing, manipulation, infidelity, physical abuse, emotional cruelty and more, all behind closed doors (well, sometimes, I have been yelled at & belittled in public before as well), while everyone thought he was super nice. No one knew that he wore a perfect mask to the world, charming, helpful, and a super nice guy. That made it hard to leave or feel like I’d be believed. I was isolated, blamed for everything, and told to “leave if I didn’t like it”.

I stayed because

1. I had grown up with this type of abuse, so I thought it was normal (my psychologist said that I learned that Love = Pain).

2. I became trauma-bonded and didn’t know up from down.

3. Because I had nowhere else to go, no safety net.

4. I didn’t believe I deserved any better.

This isn’t just about this one relationship.

I’ve lived through trauma in every chapter of my life, and never breathed a word to a living soul. I’ve been through childhood abuse, emotional & physical harm, mental manipulation, and some experiences I still struggle to speak out loud (I was “inappropriately” abused at a very young age, manipulated into silence as a teen).

I have never known what it feels like to live in peace or safety.

I’ve carried all of this quietly, pretending, smiling, laughing, trying to function, trying to build a life anyway.

But the truth is, I’ve been surviving since the very beginning.

At least once in my life, before I die, I’d like to know what it feels like to “live” and actually be happy.

Between using food to money (thus the debt), then back to food as a coping mechanism, I spiralled into cycles of binge eating (since I was 3 years old) and emotional spending just to feel ok, if even for a moment.

This debt was created by trying to feel safe or numb.

So I’m finally breaking my silence.

And asking for help to get to the other side.

To see if there IS another side!

I know times are hard. Money is tight.

Asking for help is THE most vulnerable thing I have EVER done.

Please consider donating if you're able, or sharing this with someone who might be able to.

Every dollar, every share, every kind word helps.

You’d be giving me a shot at safety, healing and rebuilding a future I didn’t know existed.

Thank you so much for your time and help.

I will forever be grateful and indebted to you.

Love,

Amber