I'm Homeless with my Assistance Dog in the UK

I'd like to preface this with: I am safe, for now, but I never thought I would be one of those cut off from their family for being transgender. Hi, my name is Jacob and I am a thirty year old transgender man STILL waiting on the NHS. I have been socially out for nearly seven years now.

A few points of context: Váli is a Labrador Retriever and my Assistance Dog, he is trained to help me with Fibromyalgia, migraines, autism, depression and more. He is six years old now and my world.

On the second anniversary of my nans passing, and six days before my thirtieth birthday I was made homeless, the 20th of April 2024. A conversation turned into a right wing tangent turned into me finally snapping and an argument turned into a screaming match. It’s funny how you think you know your family until you realise you don’t.

When I first came out as transgender in 2017 - 7 years ago now - I was given the “I love you regardless, I support you”, but when I asked my mom if she wanted to be included in helping me find my name her response was “I like the name you have now”, one letter had changed between that name and my dead name. It was still too close. I asked a few times, then gave up.

For the past eighteen months or so I have been steadily working towards my German Language exam to join my partner in Germany, and every three months we come back and forth from Germany to the UK. My Assistance Dog and I were allowed to fly twice with British Airways before being denied on "policy change" grounds despite proving his training, my experience and the proof of us flying safely before. This now means we have to spend significantly more travelling than previously anticipated and while we can, temporarily, do it, it is not viable long term. We are hoping within the next six to eight months it won't be necessary as I will be moving permanently. This isn't what this fundraiser is for but I hope it gives some more context to our situation.

On the 20th of April 2024 there had been no change with my name. There had been very little effort to learn the right name, the right pronouns, there was no discussion, there were no check ins how things were going. She only attempted to use my name around people who would correct her or towards my Assistance Dog, Váli, who did not understand my deadname and even then it only began within the last eighteen months.

The argument started over the mundane, talking about the freedom of movement put forward by the EU which led to my mother going on a complete tangent about wokeness. After seven years I lost my cool. I threw a glass - not at her, and it didn’t shatter - which I shouldn’t have done, but I at least can admit that.

Over the past couple of years my parents have become steadily more and more right wing, it wasn’t uncommon while sitting in my room to hear anti-trans rhetoric or anti-”woke” stuff being played from the TV. Since I started coming back and forth from Germany, it has gotten considerably worse. I would sit in my room listening to things that contradicted everything that came out of their mouths and I knew that one day this would happen.

During the argument I finally got it, “you haven’t changed your legal name yet, so you don’t have a deadname” and “I won’t be told what to call my own children”, and I realised she never had any intention of trying to learn my name, or using it. Eventually I also go "get out", to which I packed a bag and left.

At one point she even grabbed my upper arms and attempted to shove me out of the room in front of one of my brothers. The irony of my stepfather coming downstairs telling me to get out and I can’t speak to my mom that way despite her never backing him up in an argument wasn’t lost on me, nor the fact that he had no idea what this argument was even about.

The sad thing was waking up Sunday morning in a random Travelodge was that I felt relief. Complete relief. I would not have to go back. On the 29th of April 2024 when I got the remainder of the stuff out of my parents home, I found a "Happy Birthday Special Daughter" card and I realised even during all of this they still do not think they did anything wrong.

Unfortunately now I am in a predicament, while in Germany I have a place to live but in the UK, Váli and I have nowhere to go, and we cannot afford a secondary amount of rent on top of what we already pay. My partner and I have Váli’s Assistance Dog exam and my own Language exam in June which won't be a small cost either. As I come back and forth so regularly and no have no home in the UK, we are relying on my partners income and we simply cannot pay for another place and our normal rent.

So for my birthday this year I am asking for any possible donations towards potentially staying in an AirBnB or a Hotel if we can find one if I have to come back to the UK, the cheapest we have found so far is £1500 for the 90 days I would be required to stay in the UK. If we get incredibly lucky and I do not have to come back to the UK, any donations raised will go towards my chest surgery and moving ahead with my transition.

I can’t offer much in return, but I can offer dog training advice or even life advice if you want to give me that honour. I am happy to record videos showing off how I have trained Váli to do all his tips and tricks, below is a little picture of Váli in a little jumper frolicking in the leaves.

I am no longer willing to tolerate ignoring my authentic self to appease others. I will no longer put myself in a place where I do not feel safe. I will no longer put myself in a position to be surrounded by people who say one thing and listen/watch the other.

Lastly, if you know my parents please do not send this to them. If you know my location, please do not tell them. They can no longer contact me. Please do not message anyone, do not spread hate. I do not want that. I want a clean break, but I need help to make that happen.

Thank you so much for reading this essay, and thank you so much for your support! ❤

With Love,

Váli & Jacob