I am not ok.

Saying I am not ok and that I need help is one of the hardest things for me to do. I feel scared, embarrassed, and ashamed to make such an admission. Why? Because from a teenager, leaving home prematurely, I have typically been the one to figure my stuff out as well as the “go-to” for many others to assist and support, so how dare I NOT have it all together. I feel fraudulent if I don’t have it all together because so many assume that I do, and maybe even depend on me to have it all together so how can I fail them?

I have been called a soldier, a solutionist, a strategist, and a strong woman yet I feel weak, sad and tired. Thing is, when we are the “go-to” for so many, we can become depleted financially, emotionally, mentally and even socially which is where I live at this moment. I welcome you to judge me, but please don’t misjudge me.

God is with me and I am grateful. I NEED and WANT a “go-to” in the form of other humans - to be there for me and with me, to assist in my replenishment. I believe once I feel heard, understood and revived, I will have so much more of me to continue giving to society and humanity and prayerfully, I will have guidance on how to give myself wisely a 2nd time around.

I am a natural extrovert and empath but for the last 7 yrs. or so, I feel I have become more and more introverted and a shell of myself. I often worry about people like myself, who are right in the middle that get overlooked because we aren’t destitute, yet we are 1 -2 months away from it. You see, people that are poverty stricken get attention (as they should) yet those that are teetering on full-blown poverty, and barely making it, are easily overlooked and are also at a high risk of breakdown, and even suicide and crazy thing is, if we do commit suicide, many will say things like “oh my days she/he was such a beautiful person, so well known, so smart - like oh my God , you would never know they were suffering inside!” Thing is, we WOULD know if we just observe the changes in mood and behaviors and/or simply ask them if they are ok because they are always helping everyone else so who’s helping them? Sometimes I’m FINE means feelings inside not expressed. Yes, I am admitting that I am not FINE.

I uncomfortably yet humbly ask for your help – Please, I am choosing life, but I don’t want to do it alone anymore, I want to manage through it all, but I feel I must do it with a community of loving, spiritual, good-natured, empathetic, caring, generous, and wise humans.

I am not a drug user, nor addict of any sort, I am not lazy, nor unscrupulous. I am a human that is dead tired, depleted and feel like I’m at negative zero, and asking my fellow humans to reach your hand out to me because I need and want to hold on to someone and do the rest of this thing called life with your support. I want and need a tribe.

My belongings (what I haven’t liquidated) is in storage and I am currently in between homes since Jan this year and not certain where my next residence will be. I can no longer afford to see a therapist, I am not sure how much longer I will be with my current employer. My car’s engine blew a gasket 2 months ago with only 29,000 miles on it and no one knows exactly how this happened, the dealership says it will be $16K to repair (no extended warranty) and that is close to what I owe the bank on the loan. I feel I am experiencing moderate depression and full defeat. I don’t have a partner nor many friends and those I do have, I feel I have pushed away from everyone. I ask for you to help me with therapy, companionship, and financial assistance and nothing is too small. An e-mail to start a connection and conversation, sharing of resources and knowledge, and even $1 and yes, I said ONE dollar – something is better than nothing. If I only had a dollar for every human I have touched in my life and If I only had a kind word from every human that has love and care in their hearts .

I love you but I don’t want to do this alone. I need and want your help please.

Please know that I vow to tithe 10 % of any financial support to pay forward to assist others as you have assisted me .

Big gratitude and appreciation

Again, I love you