Last March, I went through a dark relapse of CPTSD—dissociation, impending doom, shame, and fear of leaving the house ruled my reality. During that time, a furry dog-friend named Berkeley helped me survive: he gave me the courage to go out into the world and grounded me in a sense of safety at home. I wished I could bring Berkeley everywhere with me and I started thinking, could I have my own service dog to help me through these episodes?

On July 3rd, I brought home a little golden retriever puppy who I named Hoa Hele, meaning traveling companion. Together we are defying odds as I work to train him myself to be my own service dog, to provide psychiatric assistance for me in my journey with CPTSD. This is a long process that will likely take 1.5 to 2 years to complete, with many possible obstacles along the way—there is a high washout rate even with dogs with impeccable lineages and genes.

But if any dog can do it, it's Hoa! He is such an amazing little guy and already shows an incredible fortitude for tackling new experiences and overcoming fear and challenges. He is tenacious, audacious, loyal, and driven to learn. At six months old, he knows a wide variety of commands such as place, settle, sit, down, leave it, drop, look at that, wait, stay, and more. He can settle in his crate no matter the circumstances and has demonstrated impressive confidence and control in hardware stores, the airport, a movie theater, and even our favorite ice cream stand! Although my trust in myself wavers at times, my trust in Hoa grows deeper every day. I am so proud of him, and I know that together we can succeed!

This year, I finally passed the 5-year mark of the traumatic avalanche and the tragic passing of my friend Trace. I am still so grateful for his continued presence and guardianship in my life and feel his spirit is forever interlaced with mine. I have made immense strides in my healing and am so thankful to now go long stretches of time without fearing the world or the future, and without a sense of unworthiness of life's blessings. I have cultivated more and more resilience in my appreciation for ALL parts of life on earth, allowing me to love and embrace my life more than ever, despite the pain.

That being said, I have spent long, long stretches of time in dark places filled with shame and immovable disconnection—consuming isolation and fear—the hallmarks of CPTSD. At times, it has been terrifying to leave my room, and this can go on for days or weeks. During these stretches, dissociation threatens to overtake my body, where I spiral into a ghostlike feeling—invisible, not real, separated entirely from my own existence, and absolutely, utterly alone drenched in a fear of having to live. It's pretty dramatic haha.

Despite these episodes that I will likely experience for the rest of my life, I know that I love life, I love the world, and I love my people, and because of this, I want to make sure I can continue to survive these moments. This is why I decided to get Hoa.

When I began looking into service dogs, I was extremely disheartened: paying for a trained service dog as a civilian with CPTSD costs $40,000 and takes 3-5 years to be matched. This is an impossible expense for someone in my position, but I wouldn't let that stop me. I found a trainer near where I live that supports individuals in training their own dogs. Despite many experienced folks advising me that this was risky, as the training is so challenging and failure is so common, I felt I had to try as a life-saving effort.

Training so far has been really challenging in so many ways that I didn't expect. AND, despite training him myself, it is still very costly. When all is said and done, I expect to spend about $15,000. However, it is also already so rewarding and I am so thankful to have made this choice!

For my 34th birthday, I am asking for sponsorship from my community to help me complete the service dog training process. Even a small gesture would be so valued and I am so thankful to feel you all by my side throughout this huge undertaking.

Here are some suggested sponsorship tiers, please let me know what you'd like your donation to go toward!

$10 sponsors a new chew bone for Hoa

$20 sponsors a new dog puzzle or slow feeder

$50 sponsors a new harness, life jacket, coat, or service vest

$75 sponsors a virtual training session with our favorite trainer, Elena!

$90 sponsors one private in-person lesson with Elena

$100 sponsors an off-site private lesson (so far we've been to the park and Lowe's with Elena!)

$150 sponsors our next vet visit (fingers crossed)

$300 sponsors his insurance for the year

$450 sponsors half of a week-long board-and-train intensive

$900 sponsors one week of intensive board and train

These costs are just a fraction of what I will invest over the course of the next few years as I get Hoa ready to work and to provide life-saving support for me. It is a lot to take on while also trying hard to maintain good mental health, but it is already so worth it. Thank you so much for reading and for considering offering what you can to our mission! I of course value and cherish SO many different ways of showing up and showing love, so please don't feel pressured to do so through money.

Huge love to you all, I am happy and thankful to be here with you. <3