Helping Tasha close a toxic book and start a new chapter.

This is something I’ve been on the fence about for a little while, and I finally decided to make the leap with nudging from some very dear friends. It’s terrifying to really open up about these things–because what part of mental health isn’t scary–but also because it’s so difficult to accurately express how I’m feeling. Nothing sounds as serious as it feels, when you’re trying to explain to anyone who doesn’t know the whole story. I’ve tried my best to put up a good front, because who wants to hire an editor who posts ads that sound like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, but I’m exhausted.

I’ve been heavily struggling with depression since October. Can’t get out of bed some days, feeling numb to everything around me, too much sleep, not enough sleep, intrusive thoughts, not enough work, and barely keeping it together. Things that used to bring me joy just give me anxiety now. It sounds pitiful, but my dog owners will understand–some days, the only thing that kept me from self-harm has been the fear of what would happen to my dogs if I wasn’t around. Other days, even that has become less and less incentive.

My doctor has doubled my anxiety/depression meds dosage and also put me on a beta blocker for high blood pressure. Between these two medications, my tolerance for heat/sun is gone, leaving me cocooned inside for days at a time because our temps have been hitting high 90s with even higher heat indexes–fresh air and sun are usually something I rely on to help counteract the gloom.

My car is on the verge of death. It has almost 200k miles on it, the AC died two months ago, and the engine burns oil. It shut down on me at a red light a few minutes from home a couple of weeks ago, and thankfully restarted when I turned the key off and back on, but I’m not comfortable driving it any further than maybe half an hour, a couple times a month. My five minute commute to job #2 was enough to smell the burning.

My current housing situation/rent is horrifically toxic (family-related) and despite months of working three jobs to try and bring in enough money, job hunting and submitting applications with no results, and editing being my primary income for a good stretch, I’m “editing to avoid getting a real job.” “You aren’t applying for the right ones.” “You’re not doing the right searches.” “I’m tired of everyone in the family using the ‘mental health excuse’.” (Mind you, there’s a history of depression and suicide in our family).

What was once a good relationship with the one person in my family I’ve wanted approval from since I was a kid, has started to take a toll physically. It’s developed into something that’s triggering emotions from a past physically and emotionally abusive relationship, and has become unbearable. My hair has started falling out. I spend most days nauseous and panicking. Living here is held over my head, and as long as I’m here, that person views it as giving them the right to emotionally eviscerate me at every opportunity. I have been wearing myself to the bone to try and make enough money, just to afford to sit here and dread every moment of every day. My inability to handle the heat has also made it difficult to maintain the property, which has been another source of contention.

About a month ago, I started seeing more references to digital nomads, RVers, camper life, and van life, and something clicked. It’s a far less expensive way of life. I’ve always wanted to travel, and the biggest hindrance has been money. What better solution than a home I can pack up and move to wherever I want? Avoid the miserable heat during the summer, the freezing cold during the winter. If something happens–birth, death, etc–I can pack up and go. My editing and virtual assistant/social media management work are remote, and I’ve just completed my certification in Teaching English as a Foreign Language, giving me another avenue to pursue for income. A lot of campgrounds will provide work to people sticking around for a while. I’m not married, have no kids, and have no real reason to stay. I have friends and family scattered all across the country, that would make it easier to dodge the worst of the heat.

The research began (and continues). There are so many resources for renovating the interior layout of a camper for less than what I pay in two months of rent. I’m pretty handy, I’ve started downsizing and will be selling off everything I don’t need so that I can move it into a travel trailer, but none of it is particularly valuable. I’ve found several used ones that are a size I could pull with a mid-sized SUV, and still have plenty of living space. It’s kind of ridiculous I’ve never considered it an option with how sustainable it would be for the pups and I.

I had set a goal for spring, giving me time to try and put together what I would need for a camper and a down payment on a vehicle. Since the beginning of July I've filled out over 50 job applications (and many more before that), with no luck. At this point all I can guess is that my self-employment with editing is being looked at as a gap in employment. Initially spring felt reasonable but things have continued to spiral, and every negative event takes twice the toll it would otherwise.

No business likes to provide loans to someone who is primarily self-employed, meaning I’m going to have to come up with as much as humanly possible to cover the cost of a new (to me), reliable vehicle with the capability to haul around 5000 pounds. This vehicle will be a part of my future home, and having something reliable expands my options while job hunting. Approximately $20k means a Honda Pilot/Jeep Grand Cherokee/Toyota 4Runner less than 10 years old, with around 100k miles–a little less than that mileage if I’m lucky, but the cost seems pretty standard with what I’ve checked. A used camper in good shape, only a few minor repairs needed, will be around $10k. I’m still researching what tools, spare parts and other things I’ll need to have on hand. There are a lot of smaller expenses like checkups for the pups, loading up on their flea/tick/heartworm medicine, stocking up on my own medications, and things like that, that will all be much easier to manage if I at least have a reliable vehicle.

I can’t thank you all enough for even a share, and Ripley and Journey send their thanks too, even though they don’t know it.