Helping Natalie's father

I haven't done this before so I'm not sure where to start, from the beginning I guess.

Cancer is currently taking everything from me. I have spent the last 4 years trying to be there for my daughter while she fought it.

For the first 12-14 months whenever I left camp I went straight to Vancouver. 

I would work for 2 weeks then drive to Edmonton and sleep in the parking lot until I could catch the next flight to Vancouver.

Sometimes if I had to go check on my house I would drive to FSJ and spend 3 or 4 hours at home then fly from there.

Things slowly became normal and I got used to never being home, it didn't matter because I was with my girl. That's all that mattered, that's all that's ever mattered to me.

After that she would get stints at home, week or 2 at a time. I was fortunate enough to be on shift work so I spent every moment with her when I was off work.

It seemed I was always the one taking her to Vancouver as soon as my days off started but I didn't really mind. We would have little dance parties while we packed and talk about what treats we would get at the airport.

She needed a wheelchair because the disease made it to painful to walk so I would make sure we had one at the gate. Then we would do wheelies and speed walk through the halls "drifting" around poles and laughing.

She would laugh and scream and even though I knew where we were going and why she had to be in that chair we felt normal for just one second. Just a father and a daughter playing and laughing, just a normal father and daughter.

Looking back I wouldn't give up a single hospital trip or a second at the airport for the entire world.

As treatment progressed and even though she only had a 56% chance of survival we stayed optimistic.

It was hard but when you're with the bravest little girl in the world and you can't let her down.

I genuinely can not put into words how proud I am of her. I have never seen anyone fight so hard and reassure everyone that it's going to be ok for so long as she did.

Always worried about other people and always telling everyone "don't worry, it's going to be ok", she just turned 7 and is already a better person than I am.

9 or 10 months ago we got some really bad news that we had to change treatments, we were no longer curing the disease now we are pushing it back as long as we can.

Shortly after that we got the worst news of my entire life. "The treatments aren't working anymore. We're stopping treatment now, I'm sorry" and my world just shattered. It felt like 4 years earlier all over again when they told us for the first time.

It was like a bomb going off, I was devastated. 

So I walked into my bosses office and asked to speak to him and as soon as I shut the door I started crying and trying to explain to him what was happening.

He was nice enough to immediately offer me a ride home. After he went straight to corporate to tell them I needed a protected leave and 2 weeks pay, he is a good man.

I drove to Vancouver the next day. From that point on I have tried to be with her every second that I can.

I haven't went back to my job yet because I can not give up my daughter's final moments for work.

I can't concentrate at work and with the industry I work in and being around heavy machinery that could be deadly.

But I have ate through my savings and my credit card, I'm now on the verge of losing my house.

And I guess this is where the GoFundMe kicks in.

I know it probably seems selfish or ridiculous considering what's going on but I can't lose my house as well, I can't lose everything.

I can't walk into her room without crying.

I can't pick up her things without crying 

I can't think about packing up her room without crying.

I can't think about having to leave our memories behind without crying.

I can't think about what happens if I can't get a place that will let me keep her dog without crying.

I am not ready to walk away from our home but I can't be away from her side at the end, I'm really desperate now.

I think maybe if I can get 1 months mortgage I can maybe hold the bank off a little longer so I can come up with some sort of plan. I don't know what the plan will be aside from making this all magically disappear.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I have heard her mother has received a lot of support from things like this so I thought I would give it a shot.

I'm really desperate and my entire world is crumbling around me because of cancer.  I don't know what to do anymore and I want to just lay down and give up, but I can't.

I won't disrespect the strongest bravest little soldier I have ever met and I am beyond proud to say that she is my daughter.

I won't give up but I really need some help right now.

P.s I am sorry if some of that didn't make sense or If I started to ramble. I couldn't type much without crying and I certainly can't go back and read it to edit it, sorry.


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Christopher Small 
Fort St John, BC

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