Pictured is what would have been a photo we would have used to announce our first pregnancy. We were actually going to announce it around this time. Unfortunately, instead of announcing a new addition to the Bulauitan clan, we instead are sharing news of mourning and loss.

Our little B didn’t make it. We saw its heartbeat at our first doctor’s appointment. And that’s the last time we would ever see it. We had a miscarriage. What happened after was a blur. 

We’ve been grieving the space we made in our hearts for Little B. We’ve been grieving the dreams and hopes we had when the time came for Little B to be in the world. We’ve been grieving the moments we’ll never experience with him/her: holding baby b for the first time, hearing his or her first laugh, and seeing their first smile. 

We’ve been grieving a lot of firsts: first pregnancy, first miscarriage, first child, first moments, first heartaches, first kisses, first drives, first relationships. I never knew I could lose so much with something so small and so brief of a life. It’s most definitely unfair, surreal, and still hitting us in waves.

Currently, we’re walking it out with close friends and family. We’re not questioning the Goodness of God, but we are asking the big, hard questions and not blindly throwing away the pain because “Jesus paid it all.” It’s in these moments where we find ourselves surrounded by love and recognizing how different things would be without the Lord. Calling Him “anchor” is one thing, using Him as one is a whole other.

We’ve had a lot of people express they’d love to help out in any way, and to “just ask.” We can definitely use your prayers and kind thoughts as we navigate our recent loss. More than anything, peoples’ thoughts and prayers been such a breath of fresh air to know we have people with us.

Beyond prayers, what we desperately need but, in many ways makes us super vulnerable, is asking for money. We dove into our emergency fund and maxed out our credit card for the numerous appointments, medications, time off, etc. We knew having a kid would cost us. We didn’t necessarily expect losing a kid would cost us a whole lot more. 

If you want to help us get back to a neutral place so that we can pick up where we left off, that’d be great. We’re not asking for a hand out, we’re asking for a helping hand. It’s scary for us to put ourselves out there but that’s the essence of vulnerability: revealing a deep need, knowing that we have people to cover us. 


-The Bulauitans