wife of combat vet. needer of h#!@. seeker of hope

I am the wife of a disabled combat veteran.  He served in the infantry in Iraq 2005-2006.  He has PTSD and a TBI (traumatic brain injury).  He has had various forms of treatment over the last few years through the VA and other private programs.  He has grown and processed through so much and I am so proud of him!  I am his biggest cheerleader.  

But,  (There's always a but, right?)

I am at a place where I am depleted.  I have run out of emotional, mental, and physical steam.  I feel myself being overtaken by stress, anxiety, financial burdens, caregiver burdens, etc.  I don't even feel like I can be me, let alone a wife, mom, friend, daughter, sister, employee, etc, because I have nothing left. 

I have seen the benefit that his intensive outpatient program was for his mental health.  I would like to go through a similar program.  I am worn down and it's affecting me, my family, my relationships, my ability to work, etc.  It has come to a point where it is affecting my physical body and capacity to care for myself and my family.  And I am at a place where I can no longer avoid my 3 least favorite words.

I need help.

There.  I said it.  And I want to throw up a little bit. 

I want to be healthy.  I want to enjoy life.  I want to do this not just for my family, but for me.  

I found a program that is 2 hours from where I live.  It is a 2-3 week intensive outpatient program.  My insurance will cover part of it, but I will need to cover my cost-share portion.  I will  need some money for my living expenses while I'm there.  There are some things that I would like to do because I enjoy them (hello, massage!), but they never seem to fit in the budget.  Apparently there is this thing called self-care, but it's always been translated in my head to self-ish.  

So that I'll feel better (or at least more justified in asking for help), he gets VA disability compensation monthly.  And that is what we're living on right now.  We can make this happen for me, but it will mean going into debt.  We're at a place where we will choose that so that I will be healthier (and ultimately healthier for him and our girls).  But if you know me at all, you know how I feel about debt.  Makes me sad and hurts my feelings.

I guess what I'm saying is.  I need help.  Ugh (there it is again).  I can figure out how to make it happen on my own.  I can use a credit card and we will manage.  But I think part of my journey is letting people in to see me, to share my hurt and pain, and to love me by helping me.  (Again, I want to throw up and also go run and hide.)  

Thanks,

SarahFae