Then no more blackouts and time came to go to my brothers in law home for dinner, i went back in the house (this is a second floor) becouse i forgot a stupid thing. Since i was late i forgot that i had to take the stairs and not the elevator, it was very unfortunate since going down to the garage only takes 30 seconds. The guys in the residential community decided to put a fire alarm right next to the lift in the -1 floor and that thing fires off everytime the light goes off and noone is in charge, they just ignore it. It's not the sirens themselves but an internal buzzer to alert people near to fix some problems (BTW now the alarm is broken and says there's a fire but it's turned off). Unfortunately i got stuck when the lift stopped and the door was about to open, just five seconds before and in the worst spot. Lights turned off and there was a blackout of 12 hours, they took me out after half an hour and that buzzing + horn sound was very bothersome but apparently it was more or less bearable but it was not in the end. There was a guy from the community but he had no key for the elevator not for the alarm i tried to talk to him screaming and i called the elevator company twice. I should have plugged my ears instead of calling twice and trying to talk to that guy but now the damage is done.
During that night a whistle came and went and then some intermitent buzzing but after three days i woke up with a very strong electrical buzzing (similar to white noise actually and several whistles) and started to cry then very early went to ER (i tried to go to the public family doctor first but he was on a vacation).
The public sanitary system is in very bad shape here and there were no personnel for an audiometry so he said i should get an appointment for a revision but he didn't want to give it to me, he sent me to my family doctor. Those first days i was taking corticoids and benzodiacepins (anxiolytics).
Those first weeks were terrible, that buzzing (and also there are hissing sounds and whistles) was so strong i could not watch television and i began to consider killing myself. It was deafening and maddening. I know there are worse things in life and some people is suffering more but...
The other doctor did not give the appointment with the otolaryngologist (but he said it was done) and i went back to the hospital later to get the date at the management there. They gave a date for april and sent me to the department of the specialist and the secretary gave me an earlier date but then the doctor did not want to see me becouse it was not her job but at least i got the audiometry done to interpret the results myself. I managed to ask a couple of questions tough and seems the damage is not permanent, in theory it should go and i must ignore it and avoid stress. But i'm very stressed and anguished, seems it's getting better but it won't go. Some days is weaker and bearable and at times i forget about it (however this thing is inside my head all the time) but at times is strong and those days i want to die. I'm very depressed and i don't feel like doing anything. I can't complain too much or my wife starts talking about divorce.
She also says i must get a paid job soon or else the same thing. We both are unemployed and were receiving an unemployment allowance but it has ended now.
I use mobile applications with relaxing sounds like tinnitus sound (masking) but they don't help me much now.
I started my motorbike the other day after two months and it has not run out of battery at least, however i must wear earplugs or else i get more whistles and stronger the faster i go. I must also avoid strong sounds or else this thing gets worse (and i also have some hypersensitivity). I must sleep on my right ear or else i wake up with an strong ringing-buzzing sound. I don't sleep well and i wake up many times, but now at least some nights i manage to sleep without taking the pill. In the silence of the night is even worse of course.
I've been ill for years with hyperthyroidism, then irritable bowel and now this thing. Very unfortunate. This is a nightmare and like living in hell.
I thought my projects could help me to get a job and recently i was doing more complex stuff and reading the Schildt book, my idea was to help more seriously with GZDoom in my spare time. Years ago i even made a tetris game with my own classes but it was a long time without programming until i started these projects, i was not bad at it actually.
I'm seriously screwed (tinnitus it's called) and i need help to pay next month's mortage or else i could lose my home. And if i end living in my car i don't think i could work on my projects anymore. But it's a game after all, it's not that important. Anyway i want to do another release and update LZDoom just it's very difficult right now. I painfully could do it now if i get some help to get out of this, i would do it eventually if things get better but i don't know what will happen. Actually keeping myself busy would be good.
I need at least 300€ (the mortgage is 330€ actually) and we could get the rest repairing computers/walking dogs and with help from our family. Besides the mortgage there's food, bills...
So if you want to help i'd really appreciate it, thanks in advance.
I've just added another medical report and unfortunately while the situation is not as bad as before i still need help. The tinnitus is not getting better and i'm still unemployed.
I've been told it could be permanent or not and that i need to get used to it but that's not possible right now. According to a test my tinnitus is severe, bad news i thought it was moderate. They're sending me to the psychiatrist for an evaluation.
I've updated the target accordingly. Thanks again.
I went to the psychiatrist this morning and he saw me in really bad shape so he has prescribed stronger medication. In the report he said he saw me dejeted, looking older than my real age and skinny (my irritable bowel has gotten worse). Last two days tinnutus has been very strong.
Thanks very much!
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- Emile Belanger
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