Help to get back on my feet, following sudden child loss

Hello,

My name is Clare.

I am raising funds for myself, so that I can pay my debts, and get back on my feet.

Here is my story.

In January, 2020, I was a divorced and single parent with two beautiful children. My son was 17, and my daughter 14. We lived in a 3 bedroom flat, following the sale of our former family home in 2018.

I had just started a Return to Nursing course, in order to get back onto the nursing register to improve my earning potential.. then Covid hit. My course was suspended as the university had to close.

My son had professional diagnoses of Autism and ADHD. He managed his symptoms by going for bike rides or long walks. The lockdowns were very hard on him, as he could no longer do these activities. We had no garden for him to exercise in either.

It was tough having to be with each other, 24/7, but with humour we muddled through and coped. However, as the lockdowns stopped and started, my son’s mental health began to deteriorate. I did everything I could to encourage him to talk about his feelings, but he just couldn’t articulate them to me. He had no friends, and had a difficult relationship with his father. He only had me and his sister. We both loved him so much.

When lockdown was finally lifted, my son started going out again. He also started staying out for hours, and switching his mobile off. I was frantic with worry, and each time he returned, I would tell him how worried we’d been and not to do it again. He didn’t understand why we were worried, as that was part of his autism.

In November 2020, I should have resumed my course. However, this would have meant leaving my son alone, for several hours, which was not feasible at all. My daughter was back in school, but my son was waiting to start an apprenticeship with Mark’s and Spencer’s. I had no choice but to defer my uni return.

At this time, my daughter’s behaviour started to deteriorate. She was very unkind to both her brother and myself. She refused to discuss this with me. On one contact weekend with her father, who lived 70 miles away and had remarried, she didn’t return. When I texted him to ask what was going on, he replied ‘Your daughter has left you and isn’t coming back’.

My son and I were absolutely devastated. My daughter refused to speak to us. There was nothing I could do and I felt bereaved.

Six weeks later, my son disappeared one late afternoon and was still missing overnight. I won’t share any details as a mark of respect and it’s too distressing. The police were informed. After 36 hours, my beautiful boy was found, deceased. He had taken his own life. My life will never be the same again.

I am on my own now, having no other family. I can’t recall much about the next two years. Losing your children is the most traumatic and painful experience. In order to distract myself from this pain, I got a job with the Covid vaccination service. I did this for three years, but this role finished in July this year and I was made redundant.

I am now struggling financially, and have fallen into debt for the first time. My son’s father refused to contribute towards his funeral, which was deeply upsetting. Everything was funded from my savings.

I had to go through a ‘no fault’ eviction process in December 2023, after my landlord increased the rent by £200 pcm. I couldn’t afford this. They just wanted more money. I used the last of my savings for removal and storage costs. I now live in a one bedroom housing association flat.

I haven’t seen or spoken with my daughter for three years. She ignores my letters and birthday/Christmas presents. I feel she was coerced by her father to go and live with him. They have turned her mind against me, and I’m alienated from her.

This is my story. I have been through so much over the past three and a half years. I will always grieve for the loss of my beautiful children. I have bad days and not so bad days. I am exhausted and am very tearful due to my grief and added stress.

I am in urgent need of funding now, in order to clear my debts and get back on my feet. I am worried sick about this, but am working with a debt adviser from Citizens Advice to help myself. Until I can find another job, the debts will continue. My most urgent ones are for my rent and also a storage company, who have threatened to dispose of my belongings unless my arrears are paid in full by this Friday 13th. There are things of great sentimental value, belonging to my children there, which are irreplaceable. Any donations will be most appreciated and will be used solely to pay my debts, in order to keep a roof over my head, and continue to have heating for the winter.

Thank you very much for reading my story.

Clare Toohey