My name is Alex, and I am fundraising for Ryan and Sarah Hartman.

Ryan and Sarah's baby boy, James, was diagnosed with Trisomy 18 and was called home to be with Jesus on Friday, June 11th. We have set up this fundraiser as a way to support them with their medical and bereavement expenses as they celebrate and honor James' short, yet indescribably impactful life.

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From Sarah:

The week we found out that we were expecting our third child, Ryan and I had a friendly standoff about whether or not to find out the gender. I love surprises, so I was envisioning a sweet day 40 weeks from then where Ryan got to exclaim, “It’s a ___!” But Ryan felt sure he wanted to know and pulled the, “I want to know the little person I am praying for these next nine months.” A total Jesus-juke if you ask me, but how could I say no to that? Sure enough, we decided to go ahead with the blood test at 10 weeks. Without this blood test, we would have had very few answers when we lost our little boy a couple days shy of 16 weeks. I know full well I would have been deep in anxiety, sorrow, and probably anger with God.

The NIPT blood test was on a Monday, and we waited a full 10 days to hear back for the results. We got the call on a Thursday afternoon. Margot was napping and Cora was enjoying her last day of Mother’s Day Out for the school year. This being a rare hour of alone time in a quiet house is just one of the ways God was so kind. When I saw the doctor’s name on my phone I knew it was time to find out. I had a million ideas running through my head, like how could I surprise Ryan with this news? Our parents? How to share this sweet news on social media. I answered the call and immediately knew something was amiss. The wonderful nurse who we have come to love, had a quiet and somber tone. She shared with me that the lab could not tell us the gender at this time because our child had markers for a genetic abnormality, Trisomy 18. She continued explaining but all I could hear was a loud ringing in my ears.

I had only just heard about Trisomy 18, but truly didn’t know what it meant. If it was anything like Trisomy 21 (Down’s Syndrome) I considered Ryan and I lucky to be chosen to have a child with such a happy spirit, yet sad for the medical procedures that might be in our child’s future. Unfortunately, I quickly learned it isn’t anything like T21 and the chances of meeting our child living were very slim.

I called Ryan immediately, along with my mom (former Labor & Delivery nurse), and my sister (currently a Labor & Delivery nurse). All three of their responses were the same: I’ll be there as soon as I can. I concluded this meant that the results were something to not take lightly.

God gave us a full four weeks to process the weight of James’ diagnosis, along with the time to share his story. When we realized last Friday that James had passed, we grieved hard. All I wanted was more time to feel him growing, to feel his little kicks. What we did come to understand is that this was God’s mercy. Our boy was called to heaven before he ever experienced pain. Our prayers were answered because we didn’t have to make medical decisions after birth. I often stayed up late at night mulling over what surgeries we would allow him to endure. How long would we want to keep him on oxygen? Knowing his heart wasn’t working as well as a healthy baby, would he survive those efforts? No parent wants to see their child suffer through the medical interventions, but what if it gave him a fighting chance? These were the choices that haunted me. I only wanted to choose what was best for him, and God took that burden off of us.

James is in Heaven. He is whole, he is happy, he is basking in the glory of Our Creator.

In my 27 years on this earth, 9 years of truly walking with Christ, I can truly say this is the one time I have gone beyond my comfort zone to be faithful. I feel like Ryan and I have been faithful stewards on how we celebrated and shared James’ life. I know God gave me Ryan for many reasons, but this painful season had to be a huge motive. Ryan has been unwavering, sympathetic to my needs, and an amazing father to all three of our children.

What could have been a sad day, was actually a peaceful day. There were times of cleansing cries and sadness, but knowing James was already in heaven minimized the pain. I hope anyone reading this never has to go through what we did in order to strengthen their faith, but if you do I hope you feel blessed by the trust God has placed in you as this little human’s parent.

God is good all the time.