Because of the virtual nature of so many doctor's appointments over the last year, my mom's symptoms seemed to be similar to those of many long-haulers. In reality, her heart & lungs were severely damaged after bilateral COVID-related pneumonia, but issues like exhaustion, fainting, blood clots and chest pains were attributed to her long-hauler COVID-19 status.

Now, with only four days until her 65th birthday, my mom has not been cleared to return to work (which she will officially retire from in July), and she has used up all her saved vacation days and sick days for doctor visits, trips to the emergency room & hospital stays. Basically, she won't receive a salary for the last month and a half before retirement. She has to see two more specialists this week before they can attempt to get her healthy enough to perform open heart surgery, which is her only hope of survival in the short or long term. 

I don't really know what to say about all of this. I don't know how to explain how it feels. I don't know how to describe the fear and panic and helplessness that sits on my chest day and night. I know that it's heavy. I know that it hurts. I know that I hate it. I guess it's pretty simple; I don't want my mom to die. And I REALLY don't want my mom to die while staring at stacks of medical bills and thinking about paying her utilities. I don't want any of this to be happening, but it is. And I know it's happening to a lot of people, but I can't focus on that right now. 

If you know me, you know that I have & would start a fundraiser for anyone in need & the description would be a lot more poetic than this statement of medical facts and list of feelings that I can't wrap my head around. There would be reasons & anecdotes & personal points regarding why we desperately need to help whoever we need to help. But I'm exhausted & I don't have my usual bounty of words to explain to anyone why they should help my mom. I know why I'm asking. I don't want her days filled with worry. I want her to know that everything will be taken care of no matter what happens. I want her to focus on surviving, even for just a little while, if that's all the time we get. 

And, if you know my mom, you probably know how awful it feels to imagine a world without her in it. If you don't know her, I really wish you did because I know how much you would like her, so I'm going to ask for your help anyway. Family, friends, friends of friends & strangers alike: Please help me take care of my mom, so she can try to get better. I don't know what else to do, so please, please help me & my family. Thank you. xo