Help support costs after my moms sudden death

Hi I’m Jess and I’m 26 years old. On October 30th, my mom, Lisa Scaramuzzini Zyko, suddenly passed away in her sleep. It was an ordinary Saturday that turned tragic when I went to wake her up. What I found was world shattering, and no one should see their mother that way. I’m still trying to forget that image that’s burned in my brain. And I still can’t wrap my head around it. We haven’t gotten a completed death certificate, so until we do, her cause of death is still a mystery. She was fine. She was only 57, the same age my dad was when he passed away from alcoholism on December 22, 2018.

I am writing this with a knot in my chest, asking for help is not something I’m good at but I feel I am at a breaking point. I should be picking out a Christmas gift for my mom, and instead I am picking out an urn for her. I’m taking care our elderly pup and watching him decline before my eyes. I am filled with stress and anxiety about affording groceries and bills. I can’t even begin to explain the immeasurable pain I feel in my chest. It feels like I’ve been living in a nightmare. Everything just feels empty without my mom here.

With all of these new bills and expenses I can’t seem to manage to get by. I want to be able to buy something beautiful to keep her ashes in, keepsakes to remember her by. I need to take my dog to the vet Monday. I have to afford food and other things needed to take care of my pets, groceries for the house and food that's allows me to continue anorexia recovery.

The pressure of all of these new expenses , on top of my existing bills, is crushing me. I can’t manage to afford all of the things I need to. I pay over 100 dollars a month to see the psychiatric nurse practitioner, one of the rare clinicians that is actually willing to work with me and prescribe my medications. And I’m currently 2 payments behind. Most other clinicians who accept my insurance have refused to treat me due to the “complexity of my case” and the liability risk that makes me. I’m too mentally I guess.

At this point I feel like I can no longer afford to recover from my eating disorder, food is expensive. I can’t afford groceries AND my psychiatrist appointment. And I feel like I have to choose. In addition to a nearly $300 auto liability insurance, the car is now due to serviced and desperately needs new brakes. Gas is expensive. The landscapers sent an unexpected $200 bill this week. Luckily my brother has good credit and took out a loan so we could be able to pay the main house bills for the next few months until we complete an affidavit process to get access to her bank account.

All I want for Christmas is to want to WANT to live. I want a life free from consistent tragedy, and to stop crying my eyes out everyday. All I can think about lately is how much needs to get done, how much I miss my mom and I long to be where she is. I can’t tell you how often I think about giving up.

 

For now, while my brother finishes the last few months of his deployment in another country (with a 6 hour time difference) I am the only occupant of our 3 bedroom childhood home. My boyfriend stays with me most nights, or if he can’t, my best friend will so I don’t have to be alone (which I love them so much) but still, its hard to believe how empty it is now. It’s incredibly lonely and sad to be here by myself as much as I am, and taking care of a home is a lot. I’m lucky to have my loved ones who help me but they work and have lives and can only do so much. I am trying to keep myself busy to prevent a disaster.

There’s so many things that need to be done and sorted out. but it feels like I’m drowning.

Paperwork to complete, phone calls to make, and various appointments to schedule/reschedule— to name a few. It’s been nearly impossible to balance everything going on while also taking care of my physical & mental health. I can’t even prioritize getting to my doctors appointments.

I feel like my mental health has been on a steady decline since the day I found her. I want to make it through this like I know my mom would want to, but I can’t do it on my own. My thoughts scare me sometimes, and keeping up any hope is becoming harder. All of my family who promised to be here have been real quiet. I feel so alone dealing with all of this, and I wish my brother was home</3 All of the things I need to get done loop in my brain and it’s all so overwhelming. The silent loneliness becomes deafening. But I’m trying so hard to fight.

 

One of the more pressing issues I’m dealing with right now is caring for my dog, or my moms dog really, they were bffs:’) .He is nearly 15 and has been deteriorating by the day, and it breaks my heart to watch. He is eating and drinking water, but his arthritis seems much worse and some days he struggles to walk and has fallen down the stairs multiple times before getting a baby gate. His cognition is absolutely declining, he seems confused. He will stand facing the wall, he walks in circles, gets lost in my moms room, and has to have tears cleaned from his eyes often. He has to see a vet asap. l need some insight and opinions on his health, and options on what's the best option moving forward. When I called the vet today, the woman really made me consider his quality of life. Before my mom passed away, she definitely brought up the option of putting him down—and that will be the hardest decision I will have to make. But I don’t want him to be suffering you know? I can schedule an appointment for Monday so they can see him. I wish my mom was here to help me. :( we’ve had rocky since he was a little baby, it hurts my heart.

 

I much rather be picking out Christmas presents for my mom, but instead I’m dealing with all of this. Looking at a catalog of urns, and keepsakes I can’t quite afford. I think my mom genuinely deserves to be put in something beautiful and I would really like a keepsake to remember her by, as would my brother. My mom and I never got around to engraving my dads gravestone, which we had plans to do, so now I guess his stone and her niche could be engraved at the same time.

We had plans.

 

My entire world shattered in the blink of an eye, just when I was beginning to get steady standing on my own two feet..

(For context, past summer my eating disorder became so bad to the point where I was severely underweight malnourished and hospitalized for more than a week with a heart monitor and failing kidneys. If my mom didn’t force me to go I would probably be dead. My mom supported me the best she knew how. Due to maltreatment, fought to remove me from the inpatient place I was transferred to. It was AMA but she vowed to be my caretaker because she couldn’t stand to see what was happening to me in that place. She helped me find and pay for intensive eating disorder treatment, helped me pay for the groceries I needed to properly nourish myself. With the help of my mom, I ended up gaining back all the weight I needed to.)

She was so proud of me.

My mom was my world and I just feel lost with out her.—

When my dad died, my mom and I had a pretty rocky relationship. But when I left an abusive ex and moved back home, she took me back in with open arms, despite all that I put her through. Our relationship grew closer since then, and she really was my bestfriend. She inspired me to get clean and if it wasn’t for my mom, I wouldn’t be here right now. She’s saved my life more times than a mother should have to, and the guilt I feel for that is overwhelming. I will never feel love like the love my mother had for me.

She won’t be here to watch me grow. anymore. she will never see me get married or accomplish any of the goals I aspire to. I can never call her if I need advice, or help. I will never hear her laugh again.

 

What I would do for one last hug, one last conversation.

My heart has never felt a pain like this. Some days I can’t even breathe.

 

I want to take rocky to the vet for Monday, but I write this with $38 dollars in my checking account and an entire week until payday.

I worry about having enough money for bills and groceries as it is

Christmas for me is cancelled this year. If you’ve read to this point, thank you, and ’m sorry for the long ramble.

If you can spare anything at all, it would be so helpful and I will be forever grateful. My mom would absolutely appreciate it too.