Help SRM Push Through This Fall (but only if you can)

Sukie Silversmith is organizing this fundraiser.

Donation protected

Update: Late Aug., 2024

Dear friends:

I hope this finds you all well!

I’m sorry if you're seeing this more than once—I seem to have used GoFundMe "wrong," and am now trying to work that out. (Specifically, last year I made different campaigns as my situation changed. But that means later updates never reached people from earlier. Again, I'm very sorry if you're receiving this more than once!)

Last summer, I was in a deeply precarious position. I'm intensely grateful to you all for the kindness and generosity that helped me stay housed. I wasn't expecting it, and I will never forget it.

I'm doing *much* better now! That is, truly, mostly thanks to you. I've never wanted to seem desperate, or in danger, when I wasn't.

Unfortunately, I'm not yet fully self-supporting again, I'm reaching out now because I am, still/ again, facing some challenges. (But, again, not like last year!)

If you're interested in how things currently are with me, feel free to read on.

(Also, links:

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/srm-attempts-conference-presentations-and-writing/updates -- This is the most recent one I made. I'm going to stop making new ones.

https://www.gofundme.com/f/srms-ongoing-efforts-to-try-to-stabilize -- An intermediate stage.

https://westwork9.wixsite.com/srmandel/ -- An academic website, still under construction.

https://www.patreon.com/SRMKeepsWorkingOnIt -- A Patreon thing. But you don't have to pay! I just send out updates.

OK, details:

I wish I no longer needed to ask for help. Unfortunately, I'm currently again in a situation of financial strain.

As you may remember, I left the U.S. last fall to present at several academic conferences. (More on that below.)

This summer, circumstances have pushed me back to the U.S., due to issues relating to my ageing father.

Specifically—and, I apologize, this is painful to describe--:

In spring 2024, my father offered me some financial support.

Over the next three months, an individual working with him as a “personal organizer” encouraged my father to cut me out of his legal and financial affairs; to sever his existing legal representation and change to a lawyer known to them; and went so far as to alert a city organization that I should be investigated for potentially criminal financial abuse.

I'm learning that my father’s memory and judgement are both fading. He trusts easily, and is easily influenced by whoever has spoken to him last. The situation, in short, is a mess.

With a friend's support, I flew to Philadelphia, aiming to sort things out. (To be honest, it’s a difficult situation. But I have good friends, and I'm optimistic.)

Unfortunately, this is challenging financially. I'm still in a financial hole.

I'm reaching out to ask for financial support to help me get through the next ~2 months here, while working through my father's issues, and, I hope, get myself into a more stable position--inside or outside the U.S., with part-time work or a work exchange--so I can get my feet under me again.

***

Current Needs:

- Housing: I've been offered temporary shelter by friends, for which I'm deeply grateful.

- I'm paying out of pocket for general expenses, including, e.g., public transit; toiletries; monthly haircuts; over-the-counter medications; other day-to-day needs excluded from EBT coverage.

- I no longer have a car--it was totaled last spring, and I've been unable to replace it--so am making heavy use of public transit to see my father and reach appointments.

- I have roughly $550 per month in minimum payments on my roughly $20,000 of credit-card debt, which I have accrued since I returned to the U.S. sick and unable to work in 2020.

I'm not proud of this, but at the time saw no alternative.

I have been trying for a long time to figure out a way out from under this, but I have not figured out a way out. It is an ongoing source of anxiety.

- I still have Medicaid access, but may have to pay out of pocket for copays on doctor’s appointments and/or medications.

I hope to renew prescriptions for my medications, many of which I have now run out of or come close to running out of.

I am also hoping to access some amount of intensive outpatient psychiatric treatment, primarily oriented toward DBT skills for coping with CPTSD symptoms, while here. If so, I may or may not have to pay.

I need to replace worn-out day-to-day items, such as:

- shoes: The sneakers I have been wearing for the past year are now falling apart. Unfortunately, my feet are hard to fit (they are short but wide) and I usually need to buy name brands;

- underwear;

- the headset I use for phone and Zoom calls (currently held together with tape).

***

How I Got Here:

From 2010 to 2020, I taught English outside the U.S., mainly in Japan (2010-2015) and Saudi Arabia (2016-2020).

In 2020, during the pandemic, I returned to the U.S. I was debt-free and had savings.

I was suffering from severe PTSD after my time in Saudi. In 2019, I also received a diagnosis of complex (developmental) PTSD as a result of childhood experience.

I was unable to work and was severely suicidally depressed. My unemployment and disability applications were rejected. (At this time, my father was unable to offer me support.)

I house-sat for a friend. I found a part-time remote editing job, but was fired for missing deadlines. I used up my savings and started accruing credit-card debt.

In 2022, I returned to Philadelphia. (I did not stay with my father, who was unable to house me.) I lived with charitable strangers.

In spring 2023, their patience eventually ran out.

At this point, on the verge of entering the Philadelphia homeless system, I posted a GoFundMe.

In autumn 2023, with the help and support of friends, I left the U.S. for Europe.

I found that my physical and mental health improved significantly. After completing the conference round, I moved into lower-cost-of-living regions (cheaper than the U.S.), and have been trying to figure out where to go from there.

***

Forward Plans:

(I'm running out of word space in this update, so the rest will have to be short.)

I aim to be fully financially self-supporting by, at the latest, September 2025.

My mental health has much improved! I hope to return to spend this fall/ winter/ spring:

- receiving treatment;

- applying to funded graduate programs and fellowships beginning in Sept. 2025;

- (as well as full-time EFL jobs, as Plan B);

- working on research writing;

- applying for part-time work an/or work-stay programs in order to ease back into self-sufficient labor.

What's Got Done:

From Sept.-Dec. 2023, I attended 11 academic conferences at European universities, panelling as a presenter at 8.

(Academic website, in progress, at : https://westwork9.wixsite.com/srmandel .)

In May 2024 I presented again in Paris (Université Cité X; technically “the Sorbonne,” which is fun!), and in Szeged, Hungary.

In spring 2024, I was accepted with partial funding to a 2024-start European graduate program (a Sociology masters at CEU in Vienna). Unfortunately, since the funding would not have met all my needs, I had to decline the offer. I plan to re-apply for 2025.

I have potential English-teaching work-stays scheduled in Turkey for late fall; Morocco, this winter; and am applying to possibilities in Ireland and Turkey for November and for spring 2025.

And… I think this covers the essence. (Does it, though?)

Please feel free to ask for details! Ask any questions you may have! I want to be as transparent as I can.

*****

Previous update: Wednesday, June 12, 2024:

Dear friends:

This is very difficult and I hate to ask you for help.

I have been in Europe, attending conferences and working on papers. I have been in eastern Europe for the past several months, living quietly and working on papers and applications. The applications are for funded positions starting in 2025; part-time work between now and then; and work exchanges to reduce my living expenses.

For several months, I have been receiving some financial support from my father, particularly regarding the monthly payments for my high-interest credit card debt. My father is suffering from early-stage dementia.

One of the "professional organizers" he works with seems to be trying to cut him off from me. She has orchestrated a change in his legal representation, ignored his and my requests for multiparty communication, and refused to speak with me, reply to my emails or see my face.

I have finally started reaching out for help. But I am in a frighteningly precarious position. As of today, my access to my joint account with my father no longer works, nor does my access to his online accounts. My father's memory and judgement are too confused to be able to help me.

I am doing my best to work through this situation throug people I know at home. It is difficult for me to think when I am experiencing panic regarding not knowing how I will pay for my current accommodation or tomorrow's food.

I would be *extremely* grateful for any support at this moment.

Please feel free to ask me for more details, or real-time updates, or anything else you might want to know--I am trying so hard to be trustworthy!

~~~

Dear friends—(particularly those who actually know me, as well as those who may not):

I am really, really bad at asking for help.

(A case in point: Two months ago, when I wrote up an updated version of this GoFundMe, I got as far as posting it/ making it live, but I didn’t get as far as hitting the buttons that would have mailed out updates to people who had donated before.

I suppose, to some considerable extent, this is because I am not good at “selling” things that I am not confident in, and I am in no way confident that I deserve anyone’s support.)

Thank you so, so, so much to those who who have, previously or at any point, managed to dig me out and reached out to support me. I am grateful beyond what I have words to express.

Right now, I am in the middle of a project that I would truly like to continue and finish, and for that reason I’m reaching out again.

(—I don’t know. I don’t know if my projects seem worthwhile or ridiculous to other people. I think--somehow--they are worth trying, and I know I can't accomplish them on my own.

Thus, here it is:

Your generosity and kindness gave me a cushion that allowed me to live with some stability in Philadelphia this past summer. I am so grateful to you for this.

This stability also spurred me to start engaging with intellectual and research-oriented work, with, so to speak, the part of my brain that works well, as opposed to the part that doesn’t. Those of you who know me may know what some of my interests are. I’ll describe that a little further down, so as not to choke up space here. Here’s the summary:

Earlier this year I started scanning online calls-for-papers for humanities conferences of critical Americanists, and related fields, in Europe. I feel like I have a lot to say on this topic. On my more hopeful days, I have ambitions to pivot back into academia, outsiude of the U.S.

I submitted some abstracts and proposals. A number of them were accepted. In several cases, I applied for and received modest subsidies.

So, after my Philadelphia summer sublease had run out, I flew to Europe and started presenting papers at conferences.

(This part… sounds weird, doesn’t it? I knew this part was going to sound weird.)

In September, I presented (on American political religion and millenarianism) at the British Association for the Study of Religion’s annual conference in Cambridge, UK. Then I audited (not as a presenter; I’m learning about this field) the annual academic conference of the History of Concepts Group in Warsaw. Then I came to northern Finland and presented at a humanities conference on ecology, humanities and human-animal relationships at the University of Oulu.

I don’t know if I’m going to make it through to the end of this potential schedule, because, even with the subsidies, I’m running low on money.

If I do, however, it will involve six more presentations plus one more audited conference:

October:

- [media and politics] conference on Media and Emotional Mobilization at Linnaeus University in Kalmar, Sweden

- [Americanist] conference on American Dreams & Crises in Lisbon, Portugal

- [Americanist] conference on America and Deep Time in Poznan, Poland

November:

- [media and politics] conference on Negative Solidarities in the Anglosphere in Naples, Italy

- (audit) political conference in Warsaw, Poland

- [Americanist] conference on Frontiers & Wastelands in Madrid, Spain

December:

- [media and politics] conference on Emotions, Populism & Politics in Helsinki, Finland

I—don’t know. I continue to be absolutely un-confident that I “deserve” or merit anyone’s material support. But I would be… God, I would be grateful for it.

Here are my current estimates:

- If I can raise $5,000, I will be able to finish out this schedule without financial anxiety.

- If I can raise $7,500, I will have a cushion for a month or two for my return to Philadelphia in or before January.

- If I can raise $10,000, I can pay down some of my outstanding credit card debt (currently standing at ~ $25,000), for which every little bit helps.

- Anything further will be split between paying down the credit-card debt and saving to cushion my return to Philadelphia (unless someone who has good financial-advice skills has more targeted advice to give me, which I would, always, love to hear.)

Thank you again, so much, for all your support--emotional and moral, as well as material--and friendship. I am so grateful I don't know how to say it-- And please, if you have any thoughts, ideas, questions, about anything regarding me or what I'm doing, please reach out. I am currently kind of isolated and alone, and I would love to share and talk more.

[ETA: Notes: ]

Accomplished: