Help Secure a Life-Saving Service Dog

TW: suicide & self-harm

I’m not sure where to begin besides saying thank you, thank you, thank you for even giving this a long enough look to get to this first sentence. There is no denying the mental health and invisible disability stigma we face as a society. Asking for help when I don’t look like I need it (and therefore trying my hardest to convince people that I do REALLY need it) has been one of the hardest parts of this journey. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for believing me. Thank you for your time and intentional awareness to my hardships. Secondly, it is super uncomfortable for me to ask anything of someone, especially in terms of money and especially from strangers. So please, if you cannot donate to me, i can only please ask of you that you share this with as many people as you can so maybe someone with the means to help save my life can donate.

It sounds quite dramatic when I say it that way, right? lol believe me I know. I don’t say that lightly and have put a lot of thought into using those words. Help save my life. To me, that is what is on the line here. My first suicidal thought was probably around the age of 8 years old and has persisted ever since. My depression has been enduring from that time to the present with the negative thoughts always battering in my mind. I suffered for years from self-harm of several means all over my body. I’m proud to say I haven’t hurt myself in a few years but do not be mistaken when I tell you that is an active battle every day, MANY times a day. Sometimes I’m afraid to be alone for too long, to shower when no one is home, to be near a hot stove… constantly surrounded by so many opportunities to live out the scenes of self harm that infiltrate my thoughts throughout any given day. It’s like smoking cigarettes in my opinion. It’s a bad habit (even an unhealthy coping mechanism) that even after you have quit for years, when you are stressed you think to yourself, “DAMN, I could use a cigarette.” I’ve gone through several hospitalization programs, countless therapist and clinicians, psychiatrists and neurologists, and tried all kinds of meds. In February of 2024 I considering taking my life more than ever and I started making plans. I considered how much I would have to save up so my sister could keep our apartment on her own until she could complete nursing school, how I would do it, where I would do it, who would find me and how would it impact them. The last thing I want is for my hurt to hurt more people. As a kid I had a yellow notebook hidden in my closet with my letters to those I love. This time I considered if I should even leave letters. What would they mean and would they do any good? The only thing I had left to say was I love you and I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. My people, and my support system are what have kept me here. Selfishly, sometimes I resent that and I plead inside my head, wouldn’t they understand I wouldn’t be suffering anymore? Couldn’t they be happy it was over for me? I’m ashamed to admit that but it’s true (and those who have been with me through all of my struggles will understand and forgive me for feeling this way because their love is something I WOULD die without). In my heart I know I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live like this anymore. So once again I advocated for myself and sought further, more involved psychological help. I was enrolled as an out-patient in a program at a mental health hospital and very soon into the program, I felt more hopeless than before I began it. I was running out of hope QUICKLY, having felt I’ve exhausted all of my options and resources/care available to me. I tried my best to work the program, get involved in group, do the mantras and meditations and so on and so forth. I won’t say it didn’t help or it doesn’t help, but my depression often feels impenetrable. So when I was discharged from the program, despite feeling more hopeless than when I started, I feverishly began to research what else was left for me to try. This is when I came across a psychiatric service dog. This is when hope really came back into my life.

I have been a life long dog lover. Anyone who knows me will attest that seeing a wagging tail and a wet nose is enough to make my day, even on the hardest of days. So I thought, hmmm, maybe there can be something to this. I believe the joy of having a pet is enough to brighten anyone’s life. Please understand, while this dog would indeed be my loving companion, it would be so much more than a pet and the price tag of one reflects that. I’ve looked into many options and I have done extensive research. Its is a HUGE decision to be responsible for another life and a service dog is no different except that it is also a huge decision to make such an investment. I’ll spare you the details of the tedious application process that is involved in getting a service dog and if you have ANY questions please please please reach out to me and I am happy to talk your ear off about this dog that could save my life. But I’ll give you the long story short as I’ve already poured so much onto you. I originally applied through a nonprofit (the only one who provides psychiatric service dogs for civilians) and this organization guided me and supported me through this process but also questioned/ interviewed me, reviewed medical recommendations from my care team, and several reference letters written my my friends, coworkers, and bosses. After about 6 months I was thrilled to hear I was cleared and approved to move forward in the process. This is where it came time to talk money. It cost about $65,000 to train a service dog. Yes. You read that right. SIXTY FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS. lol shocking, I know. Not only is it shocking but discouraging as well. While I have the means to support a dog through grooming, vet, and other normal costs of having an animal, I definitely do not have that kind of money laying around. If this was the route I chose, I would need to raise a minimum of $18,000. A grant of $20,000 would be awarded to me and the nonprofit would help raise the remaining balance but also encourages you to do the same. This process included multiple waiting lists and an overall time frame of 3-5 years. Overwhelming, right? I thought the same thing. Then the nonprofit I was working with informed me there are other ways of going about this. One of which is through a sister organization (which is not a nonprofit) but offers what they call “started dogs”. One of the biggest attributing costs to the overall price tag of a service dog is boarding and the cost of taking good care of these dogs including diet, grooming, and so forth. This organization offers an opportunity to get a dog at the age of 6 months that has already received extensive training. I would hav ethe opportunity to purchase this life saving pup for around $14,000 and finish the training (guided and instructed by this organization) with me as their primary trainer as they begin to live in our home. Still pricey but a fraction of the cost and the wait time.

Now if you have made it this far in my sob story, my heart shines for you in that it means so so so much you even took the time to hear me out. But this is where the call to action comes in. A lot of obtaining a service dog is dependent on fundraising. That’s where I need you to help change my life. Please please help me. It sounds silly but even a dollar makes a difference. HELL, 50 cents makes a difference. I know there are so many other people who need help and if you choose to not offer me support in the form a donation, please share. And if you don’t donate to me, donate to someone else. Talk to people about mental health stigma. Talk to me if you struggle too. I believe life is so so much about community… not just when the community wants to benefit me. I hope and dream and pray I get this service dog but if I get to expand my support system (and become a part of yours) in lieu of a donation, that is still a win. Alternatively, if you don’t have anything nice to say, please don’t say anything at all. I totally get that not everyone will understand this plea and while it may not resonate with you, i implore you to not add to the stigma by knocking me down while i ask for help. I understand this was not a light-hearted, feel good thing to read. Thank you for bearing a piece of my struggles in reading this through. That in and of itself means the world. Thank you times a million.