Help Ruthie Write, Heal, and Reset
Donation protected
For those of you here who don't know me, my name is Ruthie and I'm a 23 year old living in Brooklyn, NY. I've suffered from chronic diseases since I was 15 years old and have risen from the ashes at every break-point. At 3am on March 10, 2020, I had an emergency surgery to save my life and now find myself back in a familiar place, recovery. This time, I'm aligned with a city-wide quarantine, which is an odd and helpful coincidence, but am at a severe lack of funds due to the shut down of the service industry. I'm taking this situation I've been put into as a sign- its time shift my energy to focus on my first book. The funds raised here will go directly to support me through this healing and writing process. If you'd like to read more about my story keep reading below, and thank you for any and all of your time.
What a strange time we're living in. I feel weird to be creating this during a time when so many people are out of work, but in all honesty this is a pure practice of asking for help when I need it, an effort to confront the guilt I feel when asking for help.
I have suffered with ulcerative colitis since I was 15 years old. At 18, I had a three-step colectomy, lived with an ostomy bag for 6 months, and now live with a J Pouch in place of a colon. Living with a J pouch for the first 3 years was close to perfect. I had no further issues with colitis and was off all medications, treating any symptoms with holistic methods such as eating right for me, yoga, and meditation.
In 2018, I suffered from my first abdominal blockage, where my digestive tract was completely blocked and nothing would pass through me at all. It was incredibly painful and was treated at the emergency room with an NG tube, which sucked the contents of my digestive tract out through my nose. Sometime during that process, a hole was puncture in my small intestine that went unnoticed. Two months later I had an emergency surgery when the hole was finally discovered after barium fluid (from an MRI done with the NG tube two months prior) had leaked into the wall of my abdomen and lungs.
Fast forward to January of 2020, I felt on top of the world: teaching full time as a yoga teacher, with a trip to Costa Rica on the horizon to teach on a 200 hr yoga teacher training. I felt excited and hopeful about everything. During the training in Costa Rica, I found my body feeling completely drained. Without a colon, you are prone to dehydration, since the colon is responsible for water absorption. So, February in Costa Rica, the hottest month of the year, I was sweating constantly and every day felt a little bit weaker. The final week of the training I was throwing up from dehydration and had to go to a local healthcare center for IV fluids which powered me through the rest of my trip.
Upon returning to Brooklyn, I felt ready to go. Ready to start my life again in New York. My plan was to teach yoga privates, barista somewhere, and get back into modeling. The first week here, I was in contact with clients for teaching yoga, had landed a great barista gig that I would start training for the following week, had met with a few modeling agencies, and had meetings scheduled. But then Monday came, one of those days straight from hell.
I spent 6 hours crying in agony, another blockage had come. My boyfriend called and knew I was in trouble, so while he was at work, his mom came over right away to bring me to the ER in uptown Manhattan. At 2 am the doctor finally delivered the news of what he saw in my CT scan- I had what looked like an internal hernia. I was told to call my parents because I was going to need another emergency surgery within the hour. Some of the best surgeons in the world looked me in the eyes and told me they had no idea what causes an internal hernia or how to prevent it, only that it was very rare and they had only ever read about them before. I felt as if I was watching a movie of all this happening, I felt enraged and was screaming "WHY ME" on the inside but felt numb and blank and said "okay" on the outside. I feel used to this scenario and I feel like that's unfair. But its my reality, so fairness doesn't matter because it's happening regardless of how I feel.
So at 3am on Tuesday March 10th 2020, the day that I was supposed to start my new job and meet with another agency, I went into my fifth surgery. I woke up to the news that I did have an internal hernia, my organs basically twisted around each other, and that I could have died if I didn't come in when I did. As the nurse fed more Dilaudid into my IV, my body said thank you. I recovered for two days in the hospital, left alone with myself, going over and over what had just happened. The doctors sent me home Thursday night due to the rapid spread of COVID-19.
I feel as if I walked into the Twilight Zone the moment I went to the emergency room. Everything is different now than it was just one week ago. I'm back to regaining mobility after surgery, the place I got a job at is shut down until further notice, and everything in the city is on a standstill. I'm so lucky that I got sick exactly when I did. A few weeks earlier, I could have died in Costa Rica, just one week later, and I could be in the ER during this corona outbreak. The timing of all this sends chills to my skin. For some reason I'm here. For some reason my life has been tested and spared so many times at only 23 years old. The only option I have now is to find that reason. I'm here for a purpose, just as everyone else. I know deep in my bones that my purpose is to help and to heal. I need to heal as many people as possible, with my words, with my story, with my mind. That's the only answer that makes sense to me as to why I've had to suffer as much as I have. I refuse to let suffering win. I vow to always find that silver lining no matter how thin it may be. So right now, in order to heal others, I need to heal myself. That's how the beautiful process of healing works, it’s a flowing circular energy exchange, we all heal each other.
My parents helped my boyfriend and I stock up for quarantine and bought us a couch, since we just moved into an empty apartment. My sister, her fiance, my grandparents, my boyfriend, and his parents have helped us out so much in so many ways; both him and I pray for the day that we'll be able to give back and support them. I know that day is on its way, but I know I need to ask for help from a larger audience in order to get there.
I am in need funds in order to continue my own healing process, in order to provide food and pay the bills during this crazy time. I will continue to heal as many people as I can through whatever medium presents itself to me. I am writing a book that I believe will serve as a comfort and healing tool to all who read it. The money I am asking for here would go directly to supporting myself during this process, paying the rent, bills, and food. This money would allow me to breathe easier and focus more of my energy on writing.
If any of these words have spoken to any part of you, please donate whatever you can spare. Again, I know this is a weird and probably bad time to be asking for money, but it might also be the perfect time. Now more than ever do we need to connect on a deeper level, the world is calling for it. What better way than by becoming vulnerable, by sharing a piece of our hearts with others, seeing who connects.
The smallest donation will mean the world to me, even $5 would provide toilet paper (if the store has any lol). I really don't require much to live and can make my money last. Every penny donated here will become a sincerely valued part of my life and I will give back everything I receive ten times over again.
Share with your friends and spread my message. I know there are many people out there in my position, living with chronic illnesses, and it helps so much to talk with others and not feel so alone. Feel free to reach out to me on any platform if you want to talk or share any thoughts you have, my email is here- [email redacted]
Thank you for giving my words your time and I hope to write many more words for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
What a strange time we're living in. I feel weird to be creating this during a time when so many people are out of work, but in all honesty this is a pure practice of asking for help when I need it, an effort to confront the guilt I feel when asking for help.
I have suffered with ulcerative colitis since I was 15 years old. At 18, I had a three-step colectomy, lived with an ostomy bag for 6 months, and now live with a J Pouch in place of a colon. Living with a J pouch for the first 3 years was close to perfect. I had no further issues with colitis and was off all medications, treating any symptoms with holistic methods such as eating right for me, yoga, and meditation.
In 2018, I suffered from my first abdominal blockage, where my digestive tract was completely blocked and nothing would pass through me at all. It was incredibly painful and was treated at the emergency room with an NG tube, which sucked the contents of my digestive tract out through my nose. Sometime during that process, a hole was puncture in my small intestine that went unnoticed. Two months later I had an emergency surgery when the hole was finally discovered after barium fluid (from an MRI done with the NG tube two months prior) had leaked into the wall of my abdomen and lungs.
Fast forward to January of 2020, I felt on top of the world: teaching full time as a yoga teacher, with a trip to Costa Rica on the horizon to teach on a 200 hr yoga teacher training. I felt excited and hopeful about everything. During the training in Costa Rica, I found my body feeling completely drained. Without a colon, you are prone to dehydration, since the colon is responsible for water absorption. So, February in Costa Rica, the hottest month of the year, I was sweating constantly and every day felt a little bit weaker. The final week of the training I was throwing up from dehydration and had to go to a local healthcare center for IV fluids which powered me through the rest of my trip.
Upon returning to Brooklyn, I felt ready to go. Ready to start my life again in New York. My plan was to teach yoga privates, barista somewhere, and get back into modeling. The first week here, I was in contact with clients for teaching yoga, had landed a great barista gig that I would start training for the following week, had met with a few modeling agencies, and had meetings scheduled. But then Monday came, one of those days straight from hell.
I spent 6 hours crying in agony, another blockage had come. My boyfriend called and knew I was in trouble, so while he was at work, his mom came over right away to bring me to the ER in uptown Manhattan. At 2 am the doctor finally delivered the news of what he saw in my CT scan- I had what looked like an internal hernia. I was told to call my parents because I was going to need another emergency surgery within the hour. Some of the best surgeons in the world looked me in the eyes and told me they had no idea what causes an internal hernia or how to prevent it, only that it was very rare and they had only ever read about them before. I felt as if I was watching a movie of all this happening, I felt enraged and was screaming "WHY ME" on the inside but felt numb and blank and said "okay" on the outside. I feel used to this scenario and I feel like that's unfair. But its my reality, so fairness doesn't matter because it's happening regardless of how I feel.
So at 3am on Tuesday March 10th 2020, the day that I was supposed to start my new job and meet with another agency, I went into my fifth surgery. I woke up to the news that I did have an internal hernia, my organs basically twisted around each other, and that I could have died if I didn't come in when I did. As the nurse fed more Dilaudid into my IV, my body said thank you. I recovered for two days in the hospital, left alone with myself, going over and over what had just happened. The doctors sent me home Thursday night due to the rapid spread of COVID-19.
I feel as if I walked into the Twilight Zone the moment I went to the emergency room. Everything is different now than it was just one week ago. I'm back to regaining mobility after surgery, the place I got a job at is shut down until further notice, and everything in the city is on a standstill. I'm so lucky that I got sick exactly when I did. A few weeks earlier, I could have died in Costa Rica, just one week later, and I could be in the ER during this corona outbreak. The timing of all this sends chills to my skin. For some reason I'm here. For some reason my life has been tested and spared so many times at only 23 years old. The only option I have now is to find that reason. I'm here for a purpose, just as everyone else. I know deep in my bones that my purpose is to help and to heal. I need to heal as many people as possible, with my words, with my story, with my mind. That's the only answer that makes sense to me as to why I've had to suffer as much as I have. I refuse to let suffering win. I vow to always find that silver lining no matter how thin it may be. So right now, in order to heal others, I need to heal myself. That's how the beautiful process of healing works, it’s a flowing circular energy exchange, we all heal each other.
My parents helped my boyfriend and I stock up for quarantine and bought us a couch, since we just moved into an empty apartment. My sister, her fiance, my grandparents, my boyfriend, and his parents have helped us out so much in so many ways; both him and I pray for the day that we'll be able to give back and support them. I know that day is on its way, but I know I need to ask for help from a larger audience in order to get there.
I am in need funds in order to continue my own healing process, in order to provide food and pay the bills during this crazy time. I will continue to heal as many people as I can through whatever medium presents itself to me. I am writing a book that I believe will serve as a comfort and healing tool to all who read it. The money I am asking for here would go directly to supporting myself during this process, paying the rent, bills, and food. This money would allow me to breathe easier and focus more of my energy on writing.
If any of these words have spoken to any part of you, please donate whatever you can spare. Again, I know this is a weird and probably bad time to be asking for money, but it might also be the perfect time. Now more than ever do we need to connect on a deeper level, the world is calling for it. What better way than by becoming vulnerable, by sharing a piece of our hearts with others, seeing who connects.
The smallest donation will mean the world to me, even $5 would provide toilet paper (if the store has any lol). I really don't require much to live and can make my money last. Every penny donated here will become a sincerely valued part of my life and I will give back everything I receive ten times over again.
Share with your friends and spread my message. I know there are many people out there in my position, living with chronic illnesses, and it helps so much to talk with others and not feel so alone. Feel free to reach out to me on any platform if you want to talk or share any thoughts you have, my email is here- [email redacted]
Thank you for giving my words your time and I hope to write many more words for you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Organizer
Ruthie Hanan
Organizer
Brooklyn, NY