Help Roe Say Goodbye

Hi everyone, my name is Roe and I lost someone I loved. His name was Lucas Koch, but he preferred to go by his online name, Sudsy.

We met in December 2023 through a game called lethal company, and I immediately started crushing on him. Things moved fast and we both fell hard. I was his first relationship, his first love. I think he was my first real love as well.

Sudsy always treated me as an equal. He had so much kindness, patience and love for others despite the pain he was going through.

On February 16th 2024, he visited me for nearly a month. It was such a magical time, filled with love, activities, and exploration. It gave us both excitement for our future, and I know for him, it was a motivation for life that he had not experienced in years.

When he went back to Finland, things took a turn for the worse. Our relationship fell apart as he was actively sabotaging it. He would tell me that I was loving a dead person, as he knew he would take his own life one day. I begged him to let me love him. I wanted nothing more than to be by his side, for however long I could.

Any time we were together, I could sense a weight on his shoulders. He tried ending things with me numerous times, stating that he didn't want any connections as it would be harder to let go. I tried to reach out and get him help. I tried to get him to look into assisted suicide as it was the more peaceful way to go, and maybe it would give us some more time with him.

I decided to allow our relationship to end because I just felt like I was making him feel worse. I told him I would wait for him. And I never stopped loving him, despite trying relationships in between. I haven't loved anyone else since being with him. We continued to talk, play games together, and he would update me on his life. Things seemed to have been getting better. He was looking for a job, he was going to return to school, and was exploring new experiences. I was so happy for him. Loving someone means wanting the best for them, whether or not it includes you.

The last time we texted was the beginning of January.

On January 15th, I found out he ended his life.

Things have been so hard for me. This type of grief is unlike anything I have ever experienced. I have never had someone close to me die, especially not someone I loved to this extent. It's been hard to eat, sleep, or do anything that I enjoy.

I've been in contact with his family, and they told me they are planning the memorial.

Right now, I can barely afford to make ends meet. My job has been cutting my hours, and I'm not even sure if I'll be able to pay my bills this upcoming pay.

However, all that's on my mind is saying goodbye to Sudsy. Meeting his family and friends and sharing the love we had for him. Round trip plane tickets vary from 1000$ CAD to 1500$ CAD. Anything that isn't used for the plane tickets will be used for food/accomodation for the time I'll be there, which will most likely only be for a few days.

Please help me say goodbye.