Hi. It's hard for me to write this without oversharing, without being deeply vulnerable in a way that should never be connected to asking for $ because... It just shouldn't be.

So for those of you that know me, I've always been chronically broke, like a low income bracket, no safety net, month to month kind of thing. I won't get into it, the why... Although I have spent a lot of time recently trying to work out the why. In fact I've spent a lot of time recently trying to work out a lot of whys. Needless to say, my mom had the same toxic relationship with money, and the endless anxiety connected to the lack of... I guess there's comfort in the chaos you know best. I guess there's your first why.

What I'm trying to say, is that I've been in the hole a thousand times and doing this had never crossed my mind. Because I know how to navigate a hole. This time though, it's different.

I moved to Tucson 6 years ago (sight unseen) with my mom to help her adjust. Like always, there was no plan, no nod to the future. It was just another step. But she was struggling with her edema (30lbs of trash water in her legs!) and with the constant adjusting, then readjusting to the things she could and couldn't do. She was changing, and I was so in it that the only way to mark the change was to think about stuff we had done a year ago that seemed totally incomprehensible in the present. The doctors didn't have a diagnosis, she passed her dementia screening a year ago. Her blood work was normal. No Diagnosis, no prognosis, just a a bridge collapsing behind us while we ran to stay ahead. That's what it felt like for me. I can't imagine what it was like for her.

I had no connection to Tucson, no support system whatsover. And it's not hyperbolic to say I really hate this place. I couldn't hate it before, because I had to survive, to make the best of it. But I absolutely hate it here. And my mom was hard, stuborn, fighting me on everything, making the same catastrophic mistakes over and over again. But I know how to work a hole, and I did. I figured out how to navigate this life. I wasn't a martyr, I'm definitely not selfless, I wasn't the best daughter (she wasn't the best mom), I was a pretty shitty caregiver, but I was here with her, present. Everyday. Because I love her more then anything, Always have. Simple reason. We were the blind leading the blind, in a real messed up chaos. I felt so powerless, I was so angry, so ill equiped to take care of anyone, and she made it really hard.

So the bridge was collapsing faster... and then it just did. And we fell. And here I am, broken AF but on my feet. The thing I was most afraid of in this world happened. It's insane to be on the other side of that. To survive it. And she wanted to go, I know that. She hated what was happening to her, hated losing herself, being a prisoner of her body without any medical solutions (lots of doctors, never any answers). And she had such a full life before all of this.

So yeah, Go fund me because I need another chapter. I need to leave here desperately, imediately. I'm standing in the ruins of this collapsed bridge and I need out. To rebuild, to heal. My BFF in DC lives in a beautiful rent controled house, where a room was just made available for a rediculiously afordable price which me and my pup are welcome too; It's also (crazy magical coincidence!) a 10 minute walk from where my twin brother lives with his husband and 4 year old son; my nephew Max :). Pretty exciting!

But then of course there's stupid money-- and the fact that I have none par usual, a little less then usual because of unpaid time off. Enough to get by, not enough to move. Hell not even enough to buy my own plane ticket home for my moms memorial.

So In closing, as someone who has always been with money woes and GETS IT I am not asking for more then what you are very comfortable giving. Or for anything from anyone who can only give if it takes away... I really don't want that. I told you my sob story to help me feel less guilty for asking, and perhaps because I needed to get it out. Not to guilt you into giving. I'll get to D.C, I'll figure it out. I always do. But if there's ever been a time to ask for help, it's now. Thank you for reading this! If you made it to the end, that's gift enough.

Also to close out my closing, I want to make it very clear: I would do the last 6 years over and over and over again if it meant I got to have my mom back. I miss every bit of her so intensly... like this botomless, aching loss. I regret none of it, so don't feel bad for me!