Hello everyone, I am a 20 year old queer black woman who’s been living in a toxic household since early adolescence. I’ve been in this situation that fortunately hasn’t gotten significantly worse lately, but it really hasn’t gotten better either and I’m more than over it. I just want to get as far as I can from here, as soon as possible, for my own sanity and happiness. This is a long one, so please bear with me.

To provide some necessary context, anyone who knew me closely at the time or knows me closely now would know that for the entirety of my junior year and the majority of my senior year, I was told and reminded constantly by both parents that I would soon be kicked out and on my own once my 18th birthday came around. 


I was never 100% set on going to college even when I first started thinking about it in middle school, but regardless, believing I would have no permanent home after graduation made planning and preparing for a college education seem pretty impossible. While all my friends and other classmates in my grade spoke and planned in excitement for life after graduation, I was left alone dreading it, lost and unsure of what I would, could, and should do. On top of this, my parents kept hold of my birth certificate and social security card, (until I eventually demanded for them later once I was already 18)  and I was filed as a dependent under my father’s name on taxes up until last year, so on the FAFSA and all these various confusing and overwhelming college forms and applications where I was asked questions like where I would be residing and personal info I had no idea of and no access to without these papers, I had no choice but to leave them incomplete and unsubmitted.


Then randomly at some point in the spring semester of my senior year, after learning I had “went to school and told people lies” of my situation (which I had only told the college counselor and guidance counselor because I was under the impression that it was their job to help me through that), my mother decided to do one of the things she does best—gaslight me—by casually letting me know that not only was I suddenly not going to get kicked out, but I never was in the first place, because she’d, “never do that to her own child,” and then she acted like I made the whole thing up for those past almost two years to make her look bad.


So, on the bright side of things, I would still have a place to live, but that was a very dim bright side. Instead, I was forced to move into an old guestroom in the basement, and at the time I knew it was a shitty alternative (and initially refused without much success), but I didn’t know the half of just how bad it would be. The whole reason why she decided this alternative in the first place was because she and my father collectively agreed it was “disrespectful” that I chose not to speak to him or acknowledge his presence in any way, and my father is the kind of person who thinks he always know what’s right and can’t be told otherwise, while my mother often says or does nothing opposing him “to keep the peace” even if it’s to her own disadvantage, so my father brought the idea up and it didn’t take much to convince her that this plan was the only plan.


The reason why I don’t speak to him is because for years I faced emotional and verbal abuse by him, and my mom, albeit the “better parent,” hasn’t been a walk in the park either. He’s never “beat” me, but he has hit me with full force more than once when I was younger, and he is not a weak man—until an injury that officially put him out of work last year, he’s only ever been an ironworker, so you know he's a strong guy. The abuse would only happen when she was at work, which was a full-time shift on most weekdays from 3-11pm so once I came from school, it was just me and him alone. Not only that but once I eventually developed the courage to tell her, she would never believe me and would always take his side or just say I “know how he is” and that “he’s a grown man that won’t ever change,” so I just had to accept it. The details on what he would say aren’t important but I will say that he constantly yelled, insulted me, threatened me, and made me seriously doubt my self-worth, so much to the point that that constant psychological abuse led to me developing depression and a couple anxiety disorders in the 7th and 8th grade. It got so bad that I had reached a point in my life in the summer before high school that all I wanted was to die. For months on end that was all I could think about because I couldn’t possibly continue to deal with what I’d already gone through with no support and no hope of a better future. I am far better now mentally but I still struggle with my mental health to this day because of the lasting and damaging effects and because every few months there seems to always be another issue (new or old) in this house and as much as I try to be at peace, I just can’t seem to get away from the same old toxicity and drama.


My father is also a bigot with anger-management issues who proudly hates the entire LGBT+ community, meanwhile the majority of my family is very religious and certain family members have made offhand homophobic and transphobic comments, so despite currently being in a heterosexual relationship, I know I will never feel truly open, accepted, and safe in my family, and if the truth of my sexuality were to ever come out while I’m still living here (I’m bisexual and I’m not in the closet but they’ve never directly asked either, just assumed otherwise) I wouldn’t be surprised if my father would absolutely lose his shit and raise all hell, call me every name in the book, and throw me and my things out of the house regardless of what my mom says.


This is the same mother who made me feel like shit for using and finishing toilet paper rolls “more than anyone else in the house” (even though I’m the only one in the house with a menstrual cycle) when I eventually ran out of my own supply after I lost my first job at the start of last year and literally didn’t have enough money to pay for my phone bill, let alone groceries and other basic hygiene necessities. I also have vivid memories in the past two years of her blowing up over very trivial things (or something my brother did, that had nothing to do with me at all, which is usually the case) and standing outside my bedroom door, screaming at me about how she wanted me gone at late hours of the night for well up to half an hour straight or an hour on and off while I locked myself in my room and silently cried, unable to do anything else until it stopped.


Currently, I am still living in the same room in the basement, and it is quite actually the worst room to live in in the entire house and my parents are fully aware of this, they just don’t care. Not having a job at the time (despite my best efforts), I was able to convince my mom to loan me money (which she would say she was a gift but knowing her she will hold that debt over my head and ask for it back when it becomes convenient for her) to renovate this room as much as I could in the few months I had until my official move-in date on my 18th birthday to make it feel somewhat homely, and I don’t mean to seem ungrateful, but it really is still shit in the grand scheme of things. Since moving in in June 2018, I have genuinely lost count of the amount of times I’ve had to deal with awful conditions that I was left to take care of myself. Various bug infestations, flooding, reoccurring mold, and no ventilation are just a few common issues that have taken place so far. It’s a small, stuffy room with no windows and it’s right next to the boiler room so it’s constantly either super humid or freezing, and it’s become the norm for me to wake up and go about my day in here with a stuffy or runny nose and sneezing, and I believe this room is the very root of the why I developed anaphylaxis, and the reason why I have suffered through a handful of random, sudden, and terrifying allergic reactions over the past year. I now have to take allergy medication everyday and keep epi-pens with me wherever I am just in case out of fear and precaution. And if all that wasn’t enough, my older brother is just a really shitty roommate with no real consideration for me and our shared spaces (he doesn’t clean the bathroom when it’s his turn or wash his dishes that pile up in the sink for literally weeks on end, he doesn’t clean his room at all and leaves food and empty food containers everywhere which on its own isn’t my business or concern but it attracts even more pests down here and to my room which is right next door, and he stays up till super early in the morning playing video games and screaming despite the time and I already suffer from chronic insomnia so that doesn’t help me at all). 


So because of all this, I live here rent-free, because I flat out refused to pay for something like this and my mom knew she couldn’t argue it and just let it go, but as you can see, the cons vastly outweigh the pros. The only other upside is that I have my own privacy (somewhat) because I can finally lock my door (but it’s a broken lock that only works on the inside so it doesn’t keep my mom from going through my room when I’m not home, going through my drawers and even literally throwing my belongings onto the floor like she’s done countless times in the past in my old room).


Being down here in this box feels like I’m gradually losing my sanity, will, and overall hope for an eventual better future for myself. It’s like slow psychological torture. It’s like nobody understands and the only person who really cares and often checks in about it is my boyfriend, but he unfortunately can’t do anything about it.


If you’re wondering why I haven’t considered moving in with relatives, I have, and I can’t. I can’t because I’m the black sheep in the family and my mother has convinced all my aunts and uncles (who are her very close siblings) that I’m this nightmare trouble-child who just compulsively lies and tries to ruin their image because I have nothing better to do with my life, so I already know none of them would take me in even if they had the space and offered. And even if this wasn’t the case, all my aunts and uncles are either too far away or just don’t have the space. My best option could have possibly been my eldest cousin, who lived in Maryland with his wife, but they had a baby just over a year ago and they just recently moved too so that’s out of the question because they already have a lot on their plate and then there’s the distance and Covid. I can’t move in with my boyfriend because he lives with his family, and not only do they also not have the space either, but his family doesn’t support our relationship.


Ever since turning 18 and moving into the basement, and every few months like clockwork, my mom has been increasingly putting pressure on me to find a better job and finally start paying rent despite me literally having shown proof of applying to jobs again and again and going out to multiple interviews over and over as late as February of this year, before the whole world went to shit. She still chooses to act like I’ve never put in any effort and she groups me in with my brother as “lazy” (her favorite choice of words) and lacking ambition, which I am far from. Other than just having this roof over my head, I get no help or financial support from anyone and if it wasn’t hard enough normally, now that we’re in a pandemic and probably on the brink of another recession, I haven’t been able to work and had been on furlough from my job since late March until my employer sent out an email in mid October stating that the furlough period would end at the end of the month and to contact them if I wished to return to work, which I did more than once, but it’s been almost a month later and I’ve yet to hear back so I don’t really know what to do other than assume they fired me without letting me know directly. I’ve currently been looking for a better job elsewhere but I’ve truthfully lowkey been feeling really doubtful about my chances since positive virus cases have been going up quickly around the country lately and there’s been talks of a second shutdown. 


I’m really trying not to crumble under the weight of the world here and I’m not sure how much longer I can manage. I try my best to keep my head above water for the people who love me but deep down, as long as I’m still here, I’m always constantly worried that it’s all going to get bad again or worse than ever before, that I won’t be able to handle it next time, that I’ll have reached my breaking point and had enough and do something I can’t undo.


It was really hard for me to sit down and write all this since I didn’t even know where to begin. I have a hard time asking for financial help (another result of things I’ve dealt with with my parents) and I kinda felt like this would be all for nothing (I’m also risking the chance my family might see this post somehow and it may come back to bite me), but I’ve literally wanted to do this for months now and just recently mustered enough courage to just bring the idea up to my boyfriend and a close friend who both supported the idea to create a GoFundMe for myself, which further pushed me to finally do it. None of you owe me anything and I still feel a bit bad for asking for money from people, especially since we’re still very much in the midst of a pandemic and it’s also coming close to the holiday season when I know people with loved ones spend a lot more, but if you’re feeling generous, any and every bit of help would be incredibly appreciated. Granted, GoFundMe will take a portion of whatever I do end up receiving, but every dollar adds up, and if you can’t afford it, every share to social media and directly to people you know brings my issue in front of even more eyes and increases the chances that someone else can help me too. If you’ve made it this far and you’re reading this now, thank you for taking the time to actually listen to me and my story, and if you can relate to what I’ve felt and gone through, I hope you’re safe and doing okay.


GoFundMe Goal Breakdown: $14,000

• If I can manage to stay here in the city, I’ll need about $400 more or less to rent a U-Haul truck, equipment, and supplies, as well as loading/unloading services from movers. If I can’t stay in the city, I’ll be relocating closer to my boyfriend, who lives in the DMV area, and that’ll be about $900 instead.

• Although it would be more convenient to buy a decent used car to move around in the event that I move out-of-state (which is a good $10k in my area), it’ll be significantly cheaper to just get a one-way Amtrak or plane ticket (it may even be free if I can convince my bf to drive the moving truck with me), and as long as I’m in a city, I can hopefully rely on public transportation and/or ridesharing apps.

• Rent: I think I can manage to get a place for $1.7-2k/month, so $10.2-12k for 6mo, and $20.4-24k for a 12-month lease on a 1BR. Some DC apartments have an “admin fee” that ranges from an additional $300-700. As much as I’d like pre-assurance that I have a full year’s rent, that’s so much to ask for so I’m only asking for half that and hoping I can manage to secure a full-time job with sufficient pay so I’m able to cover the rest on my own when that time comes. I won’t make any moves until I know I can afford it (out of fear of homelessness in a pandemic) but I need to get out of here as soon as I can.