Help Peruser Get Back on His Feet and Thrive Again

Hey guys. I think it’s time I give everyone an update on how I’m doing and what’s going on. The long and short of it is that I am in a very rough spot, and I need to ask for help to get out of it.

You may have noticed that I’ve been extremely quiet and inconsistent with my posting and activity for…awhile now. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety issues for a really long time now, and my coping mechanism of choice is withdrawal. When I get depressed or overwhelmed, my inclination is to shut down and hide away, to not engage with anyone or anything, even if it’s something I love and enjoy. Obviously that makes creating art very difficult.

Used to, it was more manageable. I would only shut down for a short time and then sort of “snap out of it” and get back to life again. But more and more over the past few years, I’ve gotten to where this ‘shut down’ state lasted longer and longer until it just…became my natural state. A state where I don’t have to feel anything, so I don’t have to feel fear or anxiety anymore…but I also don’t feel the pleasures that come with things that spark joy, like creating art. It’s a very numb, cloudy feeling, and it’s so devastatingly comfortable to exist in. I would sit and watch days, weeks, even months go by in a blink, hardly interacting with life at all outside of interactions with a handful of very close friends.

But then something happened last month.

My grandma, whom I have lived with my entire life and is my closest family member, was admitted to the hospital for some very serious and urgent medical issues. For awhile, we really were not sure what the issue was, how things were going to go, or even if she was going to be okay at all. It was a terribly stressful time for everyone, but it hit me especially hard. It sent me to a place of existential dread as I examined my own life and how little I had been participating in it, how little I had to show for the time that had passed, and how scared I was of reaching the end without ever fully committing to doing the things I want and need to do instead of hiding away from them in a depressed fog. I remember coming home from the hospital every night for a week to an empty house, and it was the absolute loneliest I have ever felt in my life. If it weren’t for my amazing friends being there to talk me through it and be a calming presence for me, I feel like I would have lost my sanity. Friendship is, indeed, magic. <3

Thankfully, I am very happy to report that my grandma not only made a full recovery, but she is actually doing better than she was before she went in. That has been a huge, oppressive weight lifted from my chest, and I am beyond thankful for her health and recovery. <3

All of these events from the past month have had a noticeable impact on me. It jolted me out of my cloudy depression and into the present with a visceral immediacy, and it scared me in a whole new way. Now, instead of feeling afraid to engage with life, I am frightened of watching it pass by. I suppose I’ve replaced one fear for another, heh, but at least now it’s propelling me forward instead of pushing me back.

So now I’m starting my new year feeling like I’ve been given a second chance, and I do not intend to let that go. I’ve been making the most of every single day so far, letting no moment go wasted. It’s not always easy, but for the first time in a long time, it feels like it’s worth it. I don’t want to let life continue to pass me by, and I don’t want to keep giving up on myself or those around me. I realize that I’ve been letting a lot of people down, especially my commissioners, who have been nothing but patient and kind with me this whole time. I’m doing this for you guys just as much as I am for me. <3

So, what’s the plan? I’ve been working on a few plushies for HarmonyCon, which is only a couple short weeks away now. I intend to go to the con, sell some plushies, and have a wonderful time with friends and everyone who comes to see me at my booth. After I come home, I will turn my attention to outstanding commissions, with the occasional special pony for sale every now and then. Eventually, the plan is to open up commissions once again. I will talk in more detail about what to expect with all of this after I get back home from the con.

But I need a little help to get started. This is why I have put up a temporary GoFundMe to ask for help.

I’m going to be honest, financially speaking, I have let things get very bad in all this time. I am struggling to afford food right now, so that is the most basic necessity I am asking for help with. As it stands, I also currently cannot afford to travel to Texas for HarmonyCon, so I need help covering travel and food expenses for this as well.

These are the two most immediate and pressing financial concerns. If I can generate even just a couple hundred dollars, that should be enough to get me through the convention weekend with my expenses.

The remainder of the fundraising goal is geared towards the bills and debts I have accrued, including an outstanding tax bill that I have been unable to cover. I'm considering this a "stretch goal." Once those first two goals are met, if anyone would like to continue donating to help take care of the remaining portion, I would be insanely grateful. Like I said, I am loathe to take on new commissions while I have an outstanding backlog, and art is my sole source of income, so I have no other revenue sources. Any and all help would be intensely appreciated to help get me back on my feet.

For those attending HarmonyCon, you may notice that my offerings are considerably lighter than what I usually bring, and for that I am sorry. I feel like I’m letting you all down by not having my usual large array of plushies to sell, but I am doing my best. I will admit, I have thought several times about backing out of this con because of everything. But I’ve decided not to. I’m tired of running away, tired of backing out, tired of letting people down, and tired of letting myself down. I want to do this. I want to engage with my life again, not give myself yet another reason to watch it slip by.

But to do that, I need to do something I am characteristically very bad at doing—asking for help.

This fandom has always been kind to me, but in recent years I feel like I have done nothing to give back in return. That’s why it pains me to write this now, to have the audacity to ask for more when I’ve already been given so much in my 14+ years in this fandom. But I want to start giving back again, in a big way. I have plans for the future, plans for things I want to do. I want to be a positive force in the fandom that showed me what love is in the first place. I just need help getting there.

Thank you so much for reading this far, and I hope to see you soon. /)

Peruser