Help Our Family Grieve with Grace

In the span of 3 weeks:

I got COVID.

My exhusband/children’s father killed himself.

My Jeep got vandalized.

 

My name is Holly and I am a single mother of Kelpie (7) and Hunter (5).

 

I am a mental health therapist and have taken a step away from my career as our family moves through this transition.

 

We all need some serious therapy and to be able to continue living in our home while we get the help we need to integrate back into our lives.

Please share what you can monetarily, and please also share our story with whomever you feel comfortable sharing with.  

 

For those who want to read the lengthy version of all this, read below.

 

Thank you for all your support. We couldn’t be doing this without you.

❤️❤️❤️

 

(You'll have to bare with me, as I learn how to properly use GoFundMe.. Apparently photos need to be in landscape)

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TL;DR

The longer version...

 

Nothing prepares you for the moment that you wake your children up from bed to tell them that their father has passed away.

 

My name is Holly Purcell. I have two beautiful children, Kelpie who just turned 7, and Hunter who is about to be 5. Their father (my exhusband), Klaus, took his life away on his 43rd birthday.


I’d like to tell you my story…

 

I had just put the kids down for bed, and got a message from my aunt, telling me one of Klaus’s friends was trying to get a hold of me; that he said it was an emergency.

 

Even in that moment, I already knew what was happening. My heart began to race as I tried to get a hold of David.

 

HIs voice was low and hollow. He began to tell some kind of a build up story, and I found myself blurting out, “Is Klaus alive?”

 

“No. He’s not.”

 

I felt my body begin to go into shock. I told him I needed to get off the phone. All of my family lives 3 hours away, but the angels were looking out. Luckily, my dad was visiting us for the weekend. I called him and told him that Klaus was dead and that he needed to come over immediately.

 

I didn’t know what was going to happen next. As someone with a history of panic attacks and high anxiety, I was fearful that I would hyperventilate or scream or sob.. I didn’t want to do anything that would potentially wake up the kids and have them find out this way.

 

I did everything I could to hold it all in for 30 minutes, as my dad and stepmom drove over. I hyper focused on my breathing and laid on my stomach outside the entrance to my home.

 

I wanted to crawl right out of my skin, my adrenaline pumping harder than I’ve ever felt. I kicked my feet on the ground and pounded my hands into the cement, forcing myself to stay in my body until they arrived. I didn’t realize until later that night, that I ripped a thick layer of skin off the tops of my feet.

 

When my dad and stepmom arrived, my stepmom went inside the house to make sure the kids stayed asleep, and I retreated to my Jeep, my safe zone. My dad asked if I wanted him to join me, and I said yes.

 

The second I sat in the car, my legs began to shake uncontrollably. I have never been more grateful for my career as a mental health therapist. I knew to let my body do whatever it needed to do.

 

I grabbed onto the steering wheel as though my life depended on it. I’ve never heard such sounds come out of my body—moans, screams, wails, deep sobs.

 

My poor Dad, bless his heart, didn’t quite know how to be with me as I grieved. I could hear him taking deep breaths. And even in the most cathartic moment of my life, I felt concerned about how he was doing.

 

I pulled myself together. I texted friends. I walked to the end of the street, which overlooks the ocean. I tuned into my inner wisdom, my intuition. A deep part of me knew already that everything would be okay and that if anyone could guide their children through such a heavy loss, it was me.

 

I told my Dad that I wanted to wake up the kids and tell them that night, and that I wanted to do it by myself.

 

I will never forget that night. I walked into my house, knowing that my children would never forget this night either. I woke up them up out of their beds and told them to come get into mine, and that we needed to talk.

 

“I have to tell you something that’s very sad.”

 

Hunter kept falling asleep, and I kept trying to wake him up. He’s got to hear this! He kept falling over, back asleep, so I finally just told Kelpie, “This is going to hurt, sweet pea. Daddy passed away.”

 

She began to sob and cry. I held her in my arms while Hunter slept. Over and over again, she asked me how he died. I told her I wasn’t ready to tell her yet, but promised that I would let her know when I was ready.

 

“He fell off the porch, didn’t he?! I think he fell off the porch!”

 

I was shocked. Klaus had hung himself, and Kelpie seemed to be intuitive enough to pick up on it.

 

Kelpie screamed and cried for half an hour. She asked to watch a show, and we pulled my mattress into the living room so that we’d all have a space to lay and cuddle.

 

Finally, Hunter woke up and said, “What happened to Daddy?”

 

My heart sank, and I repeated, “Daddy passed away.”

 

My sweet boy, who often holds everything in, began to sob as well. I held him in my arms. Over and over, I reminded them that they would be safe and that Mommy would be here to take care of them.

 

I can’t remember the movie we watched, but I’ll never forget their sweet, innocent faces, staring up at me between sobs.

 

How am I going to do this by myself? My mind was racing. The kids were able to go back to bed by midnight, but I stayed awake all night.

 

The next week was a blur.

My dad and stepmom were here to take care of the kids.

I told Kelpie that her father took his own life, and watched her move from sadness to anger. “Why would he do this to me?” “He knew this would hurt me!!”

 

I want my children to know that suicide is not something shameful. I explained to Kelpie that Daddy was in a lot of emotional pain and that he did not know how to ask for help. Over and over, I reiterated that no one could have stopped him and that he helped himself in the only way he knew how.

 

I honestly don’t remember much about the week. I was in such a state of shock. I tried to carry on—I even saw a few clients. My back was a total mess, spasming every day.

 

I had a major panic attack, laying on the floor of a mop closet of New Leaf of Downtown Santa Cruz with a random employee, explaining my exhusband had just committed suicide and I needed a quiet place to calm down until a friend could come pick me up.

 

My dad took the kids back to his house in Fresno. I was supposed to follow in my car, but had another panic attack during my drive and had to go back to my place.

 

My kids and I were separated for a week. Despite how badly I wanted to be with them and care for them during this time of loss, I recognized that I was not well and I needed to take care of myself.

 

For an entire week, I focused completely on myself.

I received craniosacral therapy every day.

I meditated for hours.

I walked on the beach.

I even tapped into the spirit world and discovered I can communicate with angels.

 

Klaus was the first angel I was able to contact. He apologized to me for leaving the way he did. We made peace with each other.


I’ve communicated with so many angels since then… mostly passed relatives of friends and family. I’ve felt the presence of hundreds of other angels, not knowing who they are.

 

The message I have received is universal.

 

Love is always surrounding us. It lives inside us, in everything that is alive. I’ve received many visualizations of a bright white light surrounding my body, within my body.

 

There is so much love in the world that so many of us don’t even realize.

 

There are hundreds of thousands of angels out there that can be called upon who want to help, but the most powerful ones are those from your family. They are out there, watching over us, working together to heal us.

 

Love isn’t just in the angel world though, it’s in everything that is around us. When we cry, and shake, and yell, our bodies are discharging feelings so that we can feel the love that resides in our hearts.

 

For a whole week, I focused my life entirely on this. I can feel now that my body has transformed on a deep cellular level. I am the same, and yet, I am completely and entirely different.

 

The night Klaus killed himself, a part of me died too. The part of me that needed to please others. The part of me that questioned every decision she made. The part of me that critiqued her parenting and always felt like she wasn’t enough. The part of me that needed everyone else’s approval.

 

The kids came back to me today, and I was scared out of my mind to have them return. What if I have another panic attack? What if I can’t do this? How am I going to do all this by myself?

 

Right before the kids came home, Hunter FaceTime’d me and was having a huge release of emotions. Sobbing on the phone to me, screaming “MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!!!” Part of my heart was breaking and fearful for him, but I kept smiling at him, telling him how incredibly proud I was of him and how great he was doing. I thanked him for telling me what he wanted.

 

He came out of it. He was safe. And when he came home, he had a big smile on his face.

 

Kelpie asked when she could get her ears pierced, and I said, “Let’s go today!”

 

I took both the kids to the mall. Kelpie got one ear pierced and I watched her go into panic. She began breathing fast and staring off into space. This was too soon. She’s still in shock from her dad dying. Why did you take them today??? I let the thoughts settle, and guided her through breathing exercises. I helped her ground. I had her go for a walk with me and drink water, and she recovered beautifully.

 

She didn’t force herself to get her other ear pierced. We agreed we would come back when she was ready and I congratulated her for being so brave to listen to her body and ask for what she wanted.

 

Klaus wasn’t able to ask for the help he needed, but we are.

 

My entire world has changed. I’ve stepped away from my career as a therapist in order to guide my children during this transition in their lives.

 

I am stronger than ever before because I’m finally asking for and receiving the help I need and deserve.

 

Klaus’s assets will be put into a trust that the kids are able to access when they turn 18.


In order to continue taking care of my children, I need to continue healing myself. I have my own history of societal conditioning, trauma, health issues, etc.

 

Everyone keeps telling me how hard this is going to be for awhile, but I don’t think it has to be.

 

I know what I need. And I am here to ask for it.

 

I need to continue the therapeutic work I’ve been doing.

I need to put the kids into therapy.

I need to continue taking a break from my career while I reformulate our lives.

I need to provide the kids and myself with laughter and love.

 

The funds I am requesting will allow us to do all those things. It will allow us to continue living in the same house so that the kids can finish their school year at the same school. It will give me time to figure out whether or not we need to move closer to family or if we can build community out here.

 

It will allow us to grieve and to heal.

 

For being the most challenging part of my life to date, it has also been the most beautiful. I have been so shocked by the love that surrounds us, the people in my life who have come together to help the kids and I move through this experience.

 

Thank you, friends. Thank you brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers. Thank you teachers, guides, healers. Thank you all for your thoughtfulness.

 

All I ask is that you only donate what you can, and no more than that. None of this works when we don’t take care of ourselves. Help us in whatever way you can, and I promise to pay this all forward through the love that flows from me to Kelpie and Hunter.

 

And if you cannot donate money, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Share this with whomever you feel comfortable sharing with.  The more people that read our message, the more help that can be received, and the more love that can flow!

Sending out love to all of you.

 

With an Open Heart,



 

Holly