Help my son & I avoid being homeless on June 30th

I must open by saying that I am mortified to be creating a ‘GoFundMe’ campaign for myself. I created one for a friend who suffers from a terrible disease, and it was such a blessing to him, but my situation is so different and makes this that much harder. I hope that in my desperate need for help, I can also raise awareness to an issue that many may not know much about: abuse of power, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse within the church.

On May 9th, I was terminated by the church I worked for after enduring many layers of abuse for over 2 years by my boss and pastor. I knew very little about this topic a month ago, but sadly I now know quite a bit. Sure, I knew of all the abuse that happened in the Catholic Church years ago and I knew of the big churches that were in the news; Willow Creek for example.

I am now unemployed without being able to receive unemployment benefits due to working for a church/501c3 (not for profit). I am told that my son and I need to be moved out of the church parsonage (home) by June 30th. I have been directed by my doctor to enter into a trauma treatment program to address past traumas, depression, CPSD, and now the added layer of trauma caused by my now former boss/pastor. I have not been provided direction as to how I am supposed to apply for jobs with my former boss being my only direct report; I have not been offered letters of recommendation even though the termination letter speaks highly of my work and service to the church.

I can assume that seeing a well put together 45 year old woman who through the lens of social media looks like she has an amazing life. A great job, great relationship with her boss/pastor, perfect son, and was blessed to even live in a home for the first time instead of an apartment. What could possibly be wrong? The sobering reality after learning about the patterns of people walking around with unresolved traumas that my situation is quite common.

May 9th is a day that is hard to talk about. It was a very dark day. I do NOT say this lightly, but being that I had been suffering in the darkness of my depression prior to being terminated, the termination was ‘the last straw’. As I returned home after being terminated, my initial reaction was to end my life. I have suffered with depression for 30 years and the very person that I opened up to and who generously offered his time and ‘Godly wisdom’ every week that did provide valuable council to me in identifying that what I was really suffering from was unresolved trauma was in turn causing new trauma. The weight of it all was too much. I also had a choice to run from God or run to God. Many, understandably, run from God, but to me that meant running from the truths and love of God that is written in the Bible. So, I chose to run towards God. I did not end my life obviously, but I did have some choice words with God. I ‘told’ God that He needs to show up in ways that I cannot deny if I stay. And He has. Exactly how I prayed, He has shown up in ways that I cannot deny is Him. He has put people in my life that have helped me navigate this.

After I was terminated, I began experiencing panic attacks. Multiple attacks a day. My depression has been debilitating. After suffering for a week or so, I started to research. God led me to Dr. Scot McKnight who is a professor at a seminary and a very loud voice in what has now sadly become ‘common’ in the church culture. He has even written a book on this very topic that was given to me by my former boss/pastor……. I have not been able to digest that yet. If anyone knows me, I have nearly every Christian ‘self-help’ book out there as I have been fighting to find healing for years from mental illness. I questioned if I was even hearing God to be honest. I knew of Scot from other ministry connections, but it was someone that my former boss spoke about often as he was one of his professors in seminary. How could I go to him for his insight and wisdom about abuse that was by the hands of one of his former students? I continued to search for others, but came up empty. God’s way did not make sense, but I proceeded and reached out to Scot. I locked down my social media and removed all ways that Scot could see who this individual was and notified him of my situation and my desire for his insight. I also notified him that the person I was speaking of was a former student of his, and if he did not want to respond, I understood. I added that I had removed my place of work and even the town I lived in so that he could not see who it was easily. I reiterated that I understood if he did not want to respond, but if he could point me to someone that could help me. Scot has now been one of my biggest encouragers and such a blessing. In Scot’s first reply to me he said words that I didn’t even know how bad I needed to hear; “First of all, I believe you. I want you to hear that. And, please hear this too: any abuse you have suffered from a pastor is not your fault. Don’t let anyone gaslight you on this.” The comment that hit me in such a sad way to start to see how big of an issue this is in the big ‘C’ Church was “I’ve been at this long enough, sad to say, that almost no one surprises me any longer.”

The book Scot and his daughter Laura wrote is called ‘A Church Called TOV’. That book went straight to my bookshelf after my boss gave it to me thinking it was some scholarly church leadership book and I had so many books that I had on my ‘to read’ list. It was only pulled off my bookshelf after every google search led me to Scot’s blogs that referenced this book. Boz Tchivindjian’s quote that appears in ‘A Church Called Tov’: “In a time when scores of people who grew up in the church are walking away wounded, disillusioned, and understandably cynical about a culture that seldom reflects the Jesus it claims to love and follow, Scot McKnight brings us much-needed hope.” THIS is why I have chosen to still believe that God is faithful and good, even after experiencing the layers of abuse within the church. I hold on to the belief that this is not how God designed the church to be, but it is what it has turned into. Of course, not all churches, but more than we will ever know because to quantify it, means victims of this abuse need to speak up loud enough and not ignored or silenced. Scot writes, “And the problem is not isolated to Chicago megachurches. In the absence of a culture that resists abuse and promotes healing, safety, and spiritual growth, the heartbreaking truth is that churches of all shapes and sizes are susceptible to abuses of power, sexual abuse, and spiritual abuse.”

I am now a month from when I was fired and three weeks from being homeless.

I decided to meet with two deacons to bring them what had been going on thinking that once I brought them this information, that they would treat me differently. I was wrong. I brought not just my verbal information (which should be enough), but I had been advised by my therapist eight months ago to document what was going on because I had a lot going on personally along with a major surgery coming up that obtaining other employment and moving was ideal, but not possible until I could recover from my medical condition and surgery. I have been compliant in providing this date stamped email from October of 2021. That meeting was two weeks ago and I have not been offered an extension of the June 30th ‘eviction’ date or any assistance at all.

I now see the ramifications of coming forward with the truth to only feel like I am the one that has done wrong.

I am creating this as a last resort to try to comply with vacating the home my son and I have been living in while also using this platform to bring a name and a face to the tragedy of how this type of abuse can destroy a victim’s life on top of the trauma it causes. That exactly as Scot says in his book, that it is not limited to megachurches, I worked in a small church of only five employees and around 100 members.

I am beyond grateful for any financial donation as that is why I created this, to some how recover and move forward after the worst couple years of my life. I want to find healing as much as I want to be able to put a roof over our head and keep my son in his school district. I

If you don't donate financially, but have read my story, I am just as blessed to know that the reality of this issue is getting heard.

Psalm 34:18-19 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. 19 The righteous person may have troubles; but the Lord delivers him from them all.