My mom, Michelle Feres is the strongest woman I know. Unfortunately, she has dealt with so much trauma, beginning at a very young age. Childhood trauma is very hard to treat as basic coping skills and sense of self have not yet developed. Making things even more difficult is that survivors of childhood trauma are more likely to be re-victimized. "Childhood trauma physically damages the brain by triggering toxic stress. Strong, frequent, and prolonged, toxic stress rewires several parts of the brain, altering their activity and influence over emotions and the body" (Purnomo, n.d). 

     Often times when we discuss mental health, it seems as simple as reaching out for help. The sad reality is that mental health issues are not just "fixed", they are a lifelong battle. Therefore, finding adequate therapy is time consuming and financially straining. When in need of serious help, it is unfortunate that we have to worry about financial barriers.

     My mother has always been a fighter; day in and day out trying her best to fight the PTSD. "Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that may occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, or rape or who have been threatened with death, sexual violence or serious injury." (Torres, n.d). She was first admitted to a Mental Hospital in 2002 when I was 5 years old. In 2008, Michelle was once again admitted to Hospital where she completed a 2 month PTSD program. Years later, we faced many family changes and major stressors, resulting in an admission to hospital on suicide watch as well as participating in a 5 month comprehensive psych program and PTSD program. This admission helped, but nightmares and traumas were still taking over. Therapists suggested perhaps facing one of the past childhood abusers in court would bring my mom a tiny bit of peace and sense of safety. Knowing that this could either help or hurt, my mom decided to give it a try in 2019. Unfortunately, the whole process was extremely triggering and tiring. Although he was found guilty, he served just a year probation while my mom now had a publication ban, unable to ever name her abuser. Following this, the disassociation, nightmares and paranoia reached an all time high. Most of the time, my mom was so out of it that she forgot my name, would get confused doing simple tasks and was in fight or flight mode 24/7. "People with PTSD have intense, disturbing thoughts and feelings related to their experience that last long after the traumatic event has ended. They may relive the event through flashbacks or nightmares; they may feel sadness, fear or anger; and they may feel detached or estranged from other people. People with PTSD may avoid situations or people that remind them of the traumatic event, and they may have strong negative reactions to something as ordinary as a loud noise or an accidental touch" (Torres, n.d). This state of being was mentally and physically exhausting, scary and lonely for her. As someone close to her, it was extremely painful not knowing how to help and not having the means to support her. People always discuss reaching out for help as part of mental health treatment. But, unfortunately our systems do not have all the answers or solutions. Receiving therapy or paying for medications is extremely stressful when going through insurance,  deciphering what is covered and what is not; often having to pay out of pocket for some items. 

     Currently, we are at a standstill. My mom is too unwell to be at home, but we cannot afford to send her to a treatment facility. I stay with her most days and worry anytime that I am not around. Last year when she went into hospital in crisis, it was very traumatizing and we do not want to have to do that again. I want my mom to be safe but unfortunately there are not many pleasant options. I have been doing my best to be a support system for her. Months ago, she had a glimmer of hope when her doctors suggested trying brain mapping. Unfortunately, because this is a new strategy, the majority of the cost is out of pocket. Around the same time, Michelle found out that a dark spot on her face was melanoma. Immediately, with little time to process the news, the doctors removed a significant part of her face. As someone who is barely surviving the day, the physical and mental stress of having your face changed forever has been extremely tough. Making matters somehow worse, the brain map therapy that she began might not work as the muscles and nerves in her face are now damaged, and that was a large aspect of the therapy. 

     Unable to think of what to do next, or how to give my mom a glimmer of hope or motivation to continue her fight, we have decided to try and help her financially. It is unfair that any extra money my mom has can never go towards something fun like a vacation or something special for herself. It is always going towards different treatments that may or not make a difference. Why is she being punished for being mentally ill? 

      Any funds would go towards alternative therapies including brain mapping, Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, somatic therapies, holistic healing , medications or programs. There is also a specific PTSD program in the United States that has been recommended by her team of professionals but again, something like that is not covered and is very expensive.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, it feels a bit odd to reach out like this, but after trying so many things I did not know what to do next. Whether or not you are a friend of hers, a friend of mine, or a friend of my brothers, you'd know that Michelle loves and cares for so many people. She often goes above and beyond, prioritizing other people's happiness above her own. She often worries that she is a bad mom because she needs help sometimes, however it is the complete opposite. She has taught me so many life lessons and has always been so supportive. She has always offered our home as a safe space, has always been willing to discuss mental health with those around her, and is always trying to make people laugh. I believe she has made a positive impact on way more lives than she knows and that the world is so much better with her in it, even though it keeps kicking her when she is down. 

      If you are able to donate, it would mean the world to my family. If you cannot, thank you for taking the time to read about her journey. If anyone would like to share a fond memory of my mom instead, I would really love that as well. 
 
  https://www.brainfacts.org/thinking-sensing-and-behaving/childhood-and-adolescence/2020/wired-for-danger-the-effects-of-childhood-trauma-on-the-brain-101920 I

Torres, F. (n.d.). What Is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder? What Is PTSD? https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd#:~:text=Posttraumatic%20stress%20disorder%20(PTSD)%20is,sexual%20violence%20or%20serious%20injury.