Help me Stay Alive – Queer Palestinian with HIV and HS

My name will stay anonymous, but I need to share my story and I hope it will not go unnoticed, as it usually does for many queer Palestinians in the world.

So here’s my story.

I'm 22, I am currently a student in Turkey. Again, Palestinian but I’ve never had papers. I grew up in Dubai, where I lived for 15 years – but never felt like I belonged there, or anywhere for that matter.

From a young age, I had to hide everything about myself – my identity, my feelings, and my truth.

I was constantly bullied and sexually harassed at school. And I had no one to talk to.

No friends, not a safe space to call my own. When I voiced my concerns, I was gaslighted and blamed, more specifically, called "promiscuous" and told that it was my fault.

At 14, I was introduced to "sex" – but not by choice. I didn’t even know what it meant, let alone being "gay".

Around that age, I started meeting older men for money.

My first interaction (and sex) with a man in high school was not consensual, but it did leave me curious. So, I started exploring dating apps. When I was offered money simply because I was young – and given that my family was not offering me financial support – it felt like a real opportunity to me.

Now that I reflect on it again, touching the wounds and scars I tried to heal. That life back then didn’t feel like survival. It felt like punishment. And the abuse that came with it started to feel normal.

At 16, I was forced to come out to my parents. It happened after a man I blocked online showed up again using a different account and threatened me. So I agreed to meet him.

Once I got in his car, he drove far from where I was supposed to be. He looked at me and said, "If I wanted to kill you, I would, and no one would ever know". After that, I felt the urge to tell my parents.

They didn’t take it well.

I carried an overwhelming sense of guilt and self-loathing – guilt for hurting my parents simply by existing.

As a result, I was "locked" in the house. If I wanted to go out with a friend, I had to give them his number so they could ensure I wasn’t having sex again. I was heavily restricted, and with the added isolation of COVID, it became one of the hardest times of my life. I contemplated death multiple times.

My mother even told me she would "poison my food" if it happened again – a sentence that will forever be stuck in my head.

Also, I recall another incident where I had to come out again to my family just to protect myself and protect them from any potential "shock". Multiple people threatened me online before that if I came back to Dubai, they would beat me up.

I lived every day in fear. Even going out with my family was terrifying – what if someone recognized me?

Then we moved to Turkey with my parents. I started university and life felt different, it felt better.

There were WhatsApp groups in Dubai sharing pictures of me. One person even approached me and warned me not to come back because it wasn’t safe for me, that people would "beat me up" if they saw me.

After a year in Turkey, my family moved back to Dubai, and that's when I was finally able to breathe.

For once in my life I could live as who I was. But being queer and Arab in Turkey wasn’t safe either.

At university here, once again, I received many threats. One time, a group of men surrounded me. One of them tried to hit me while calling me a "fagot". Luckily, his friends stopped him, but the university did nothing to protect me.

I reported it, but the process was long, draining, pointless, they dragged me along for nothing, and did not punish nor confront the person who attacked me.

Another time, I got a message online saying I would burn in hell. I’ve received many threats like that before – both here and in Dubai, as mentioned previously.

At one point, I tried to take my life again. The pain, the silence, the shame – it all broke me. But I survived. I kept going. I rebuilt some family ties. I tried to start again.

But now, I’m facing something bigger.

I have two chronic medical conditions. One is called HS (Hidradenitis Suppurativa), a painful, inflammatory disease that causes constant swelling, wounds, and fevers. The only treatment that works is surgery or laser. Public hospitals gave me antibiotics, which only worsened my immune system.

Then something even more life-changing happened.

On January 22, I had intercourse with a man. I didn’t know he was HIV-positive.

Ten days later, I got very sick – so sick I had to be taken to a hospital by ambulance, my nails were grey and color left my face. It felt like I was dying.

The public hospital told me it was a throat infection... They gave me useless meds. I kept getting worse.

So, I went to a private hospital and received IV fluids, which helped a little. But I was still weak, unable to eat or walk properly. I went for my regular test at an anonymous clinic in Istanbul.

I’ve always tested regularly. A few days later, my result came back: HIV positive.

That moment destroyed me.

We did a confirmation test. While waiting for results, I had panic attacks, heart palpitations, and insomnia. I couldn’t wait. I paid for a test with results in 24 hours. It was positive again.

I reached out to NGOs. I talked to a friend who lives with HIV. I tried everything to understand what to do next. But as a stateless queer foreigner in Turkey, I was told I can’t get the help I need.

SGK; the public health system – asked me to pay 75,000 TL ($2,000) all at once just to enter the system. Even then, an NGO told me that this insurance might not cover my HIV medication.

It would help with everything else except the one thing I need most.

The medication I need costs 16,000 TL ($500) per month. And in the beginning, I need three boxes. That’s $1,500 right away. Every month after that, I need one box to survive. Without it, my body won’t last long.

And I still have HS. Still no passport. Still no access to important documents stuck in Syria. Still no safe place to go. Still no country to belong to.

I’m asking for your help to stay alive.

I want to live like any 22-year-old should. I want to study, walk freely, build friendships, fall in love, and exist – without pain, shame, or fear. But right now, I need your help to even get to that starting point.

Your donation will help me first and foremost: start HIV treatment immediately, access medication I can’t get through insurance, get surgery or laser therapy for HS, cover ongoing medical costs and legal paperwork and regain control over my life and health.

If you can’t donate, please share my story. Every person who reads this is one more chance at safety. One more chance at life.

Since GoFundMe is not authorized to operate in Turkey, a trusted friend will receive the donations on my behalf. They will securely hold the funds and ensure they are sent to me in full.