Help Me Recover from a Surprise Primary Program!

Because healing isn’t cheap and neither is whiskey!

This past weekend, I was railroaded—yes, completely blindsided—into attending a Primary Program at the local LDS Ward House.

It started innocently enough: my good friend casually mentioned that his granddaughter was singing and asked if I wanted to "stop by and show support." Next thing I know, I’m sitting in a pew, surrounded by smiling families, watching a parade of small children sing songs about sunshine, kindness, and eternal families.

I was not prepared.

I was not warned.

I was not sober.

The Aftermath:

There were tiny voices. Hand motions. Talks about prophets. An a cappella solo that made me feel things I wasn’t ready to feel. I clapped. I smiled. I may have teared up.

But now… I need help.

Late-night therapy sessions (the kind held at the bottom of a glass), long walks questioning my life choices, and perhaps a sabbatical in a place with absolutely zero Primary programs.

Where Your Money Will Go:

$10 — A strong drink and a listening ear at the local bar

$25 — Group therapy (me and a bartender named Sal)

$50 — Noise-canceling headphones, for future sneak attacks

$100 — A weekend away from all things “wholesome”

$200+ — A fully immersive, child-free recovery retreat (or a lot of tacos)

Please Help Me Be Normal Again

I used to be cool. I used to sleep in on Sundays. I used to have boundaries. With your support, I can return to the person I once was—or at least afford enough therapy to be okay with who I’ve become.

Donate now. Save a soul from sunshine songs and choreographed hand gestures.

With love, trauma, and a slight hangover, Troy