Desperately needed help to fight my mental battle

If you are reading this, I need your help. Ever since elementary school I have been bullied. I used to be scared to go to school because I was being bullied. I sat alone at lunch everyday and barely had any friends. Children my age would tell me to kill myself or would wish I was never born. These hurtful things take a toll on a kid my age, and it led me to therapy at the age of 12. I’ve had a therapist ever since then, and although helpful, those hurtful words have stayed with me. 

Towards the end of 8th grade, I was stalked by an older man. He would be at my house everyday when I got on and off the bus. This is when I first started dealing with anxiety. It was so extreme to the point where I would not leave my house without having an anxiety attack. Because of this experience, I was diagnosed with anxiety and PTSD. 

By the beginning of 9th grade, I was still being cyber-bullied and I was starting to become clinically depressed. I began having suicidal thoughts at the age of 14 years old. I started  maladaptive coping behaviors which included self harming. The ongoing anxiety and depression caused me to have auditory and visual hallucinations, which, at the age of 14, were absolutely terrifying.

I had my first suicide attempt December of 2013. I was 14 years old and scared of what the future held. I had my first hospitalization in inpatient care at a psychiatric hospital. I started going to an outpatient program and they taught me coping skills and ways to manage my emotions. 

As the years went on in high school, nothing improved. I was still depressed, still anxious, constantly stressed. As a result, I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I was consistently picking up on bad ways of coping with all my medical problems. Despite being on anti-depressants, I was always feeling sad and often self harmed. I had numerous suicide attempts throughout high school and was hospitalized once again. I was never stable enough that someone wasn’t worried about me. I remember always feeling sad and not being able to enjoy things that I would usually enjoy. High school was the worst 4 years of my life. I honestly wasn’t even sure I would live to see graduation. 

College was supposed to be a fresh start. Instead, I was introduced to drugs. At first I thought I was having fun like any other college student, that is, until it became a problem. It got to the point that I used every single day at all hours of the day. I would use my stomach pain as an excuse to be high all the time, when in reality it was making all of my medical problems worse. I was hospitalized twice during my time in college. I attempted suicide twice more. I have been struggling with my substance abuse and mental health for long enough. 

I have been having trouble staying clean, but I have been trying. I attend NA meetings and I have a sponsor that I talk to daily. I’ve reached out to all the free help I can get, but unfortunately, it hasn’t been enough. I have abused my medications that I need just to feel something, but I don’t want to do it anymore. This is a reoccurring problem and I need to get professional help so that I can finally defeat my inner struggles and start my life. 

I would not be writing this or asking if I didn’t think I desperately needed this. I personally believe going into treatment for at least a month will be beneficial for my mental health and substance use disorder. I need to go somewhere where I can solely focus on my self-improvement without having to worry about my environment. Unlucky for me, those environments are too costly for me and my family. So here I am, asking for your help to help me find my purpose in life.