Keeping shans memory alive. And helping our pets.

Then she started school. School for most kids is amazing they flourish and grow. For some kids it's hell.  Shan was neither sporty. She was not good at the academic side either. But she was funny kind and creative.  Her sensitive nature made her a target for bully's. Not violent bully's. The type who are popular star students. She preferred to be with adults. Well she did. All she had known was love and kindness.  And yet when she tried to cuddle the teacher in the playground.  She was told I'm not your mummy. Stop being a baby and go play. She didn't want to go. I didn't want to send her. Anyone who's child is being bullied will tell you how soul destroying sending your baby into a pit of vipers everyday.  So I let her have time off. Then she became visible to the school. She was making them look bad with attendance and her poor progress. So they blamed me I'm the parent I was failing. How I wish I had of said hold on a minute. Why not look to yourselves to see why my child basically has a breakdown at the thought of coming to your school. Stop rating my child's worth by her attendance and progress. You are the ones failing here. Not me! But I didn't the seeds of doubt of my parenting skills were already growing. I can honestly say by the time she left first school. I despised most if the teachers. And a lot of the playground mothers. There shining star pupils were destroying my baby.

She started middle school. The bullying continued and got worse. She had impacted canine teeth which made her front teeth stick out. The kids started to call her nanny mcfee.  She had to have an operation. And had to wear a quad helix.  Let me tell you they are hideous. Eating was impossible.  She had a lot of time of school for orthodontics appointments. It was painful. She never made a fuss. Think she preferred the pain from that to the pain at school. Middle school was worst than first school for me and her. They new about the bullying. They did nothing. The kids wernt even told. Cos it's just words right? Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Well they hurt a lot. Mentally and physically for shan. That's when the self harming started. The first time I saw it I died a bit that day. This beautiful kind funny sensitive creature I worshipped was literally cutting her beautiful skin. So she could feel a physical pain to go with the mental pain. But words don't hurt. Then she changed. She went from being attached to me. She even slept with me. She started going out with friends. I was at first pleased. She was 12 I had just started working in a care home. Things were going to get better. But she went from being very immature . In her last assessment with her mental health team the thought it was highly probable she had childhood autism. She was also born premature like her sisters. So when she started dressing in short skirts and wearing makeup. Staying at her friend's house overnight. She started drinking and stealing cigarettes. I got called into school as she had been giving cigarettes to other pupils. While I was there I raised concerns over this new friend she had made. And got told they had no concerns. His exact words were she is a lovely student. And suggested it was my daughters fault. Which then naturally came my way. Again my parental skills and my instinct were worthless. That seed was a plant by now. The me writing this would of had a whole lot more to say. Because I was right. But instead I listened I took there advice. It was suggested it may because of her diet. Which had suffered because of the braces. But mainly they suggested it was because I was a single mum. And suggested I get in contact with her father. I am not blaming him at all. And don't want to speak bad of him there was fault on both sides. But things ended badly between us. I had a restraining order against him when we split. Shan hadn't seen him  since she was 3. I always told her the truth. But still I listened to them and contacted him. It wasn't bad but wasn't helpful as that wasn't the problem. The behaviour got worse.  I had the police out as they were worried shan was being targeted by men wanting sex for gifts. Things got worse from there. The self harming got worse.  She hated me cos I was questioning her about what I could see was happening. She told me to just buy a coffin to put her in as she wanted to die. I took her to our gp. She referred her to child mental health services. They said she didnt meet the criteria. She stayed out more and more. I started to follow her. I nearly caught her with a man. Well I did not know weather it was someone her age or someone older.  But I knew something sexual was going on. And she was being destroyed by it. But she thought she was happy. Trying to get her to open up was a nightmare and impossible.  So I called the police. When shan realised they were coming she ran. I chased that child around the village until she came back home. They sent one female police officer. She sat for over 2 hrs talking to shan. Getting her to open up until eventually she disclosed she was having a sexual relationship with a man in his twenty s.  He was a relative of the friend I raised concerns with the school. Then the house filled with police. Her phone was took. Detectives came. There were forensic police collecting her underwear.  And they started taking shams statement. The words I heard that day I will never repeat. I was trying to stay strong. Because she was being so brave. But I broke. So I called who I always turn to. My mum she came and I was better. I wanted to kill him if I'm honest. But I just sat and was there for her. During the interview some other officers came. They recognised shan from a recent stop and search on a car. They actually stopped him with shan in the car. They siezed the car and he was charged with driving offences. They knew her age as she told them. They just let him go and let her go with him. I was hearing this for the first time.i can't explain the rage I had inside. But I said nothing. I was to blame it was my parenting skills that caused this. I actually thanked them. On her 13th birthday she gave evidence on video. It put him away for 6 yrs on 6 counts of rape against a child. The prosecution were so disgusted by some of the details they appealed it. He got 9 yrs.  

Shan had left middle school when this happened as it was in the holidays before high school. I never did phone her middle school up to tell them how wrong they we're. I can't tell you how proud I was of her. For anyone who's been through that weather a child or adult. It's scary intimidating.  Every aspect of your life is questioned.  Your told not to discuss it with anyone. But she had done that she got someone of the streets that was a risk to children. She was not the only one. She was the only one who stopped him. A 12 yr old done that. Bloody amazing right? Well sadly no. I phoned her mee school to inform them what had happened. She had been through a lot. She also suffered physical trauma. She started high school. This had given the bullies new ammunition. Shan never wanted anyone to know. She didn't want people to treat her differently.  But gossip spreads. Girls she had sort of got on with before didn't want to be near her. She got called awful names. Her attendance got worse. Why would I send my child there? First parents evening her form tutor knew nothing about what had happened. The focus was in her attendance and behaviour.  She was lashing out. She was skipping class and self harming in the toilets. She was bringing alcohol and drinking in class and giving it to other students. She was inside a 9 yr old but she was acting like a rebellious adult. I get it she was hard work.  Again she got referred to children mental health services.  She still didn't meet the criteria. They sent her to a sexual health Councillor.  They sent a child how had been sexually abused to a sexual health clinic. There were free condoms on the counter. We went once.

When she was 14 school had had enough. They said school was not the right environment for her. They wrote me a letter and got me to sign it. It was to take her off the register. And this leads me to the first point of me sharing this. If it was only shan I wouldn't be exposing myself like this. To many kids are getting excluded from schools because of attendance and behaviour.  Schools are supposed to nature and guide kids. This should apply to all children. Even the really badly behaved ones. Because doing this tells them. We don't want you in society.  You are worthless.  To many are ending up in prison or like shan taking their lives.  Or not living to their full potential.  A child's worth need to become more than a perfect attendance or exam results. Not all kids are going to become doctors and lawyers.  Some are going to clean toilets or collect bins. Neither is more important. But all should be treated with the same respect. They came out to the car to see her. By this point she refused to even enter the school. And I didn't blame her. They said they would still support her. The only contact we had from them after was to say we had a gcse book. And would be charged £20 if I didn't return it. At first after she was excluded her i wished I could turn back the clock. I would never if handed over my beautiful baby to people I should of been able to trust. And I felt that way until today. I was wrong ALL children have a right to goto school and not be bullied.  And it's happening in every school still today.  Kids need to be taught kindness and to be there for each other. If you see a friend struggling. Help them speak for them. They may not be able to. The first suicide attempt came at 15. It had been a rough yr. My dad shans grumpy had died suddenly from a massive cardiac arrest.  Then se met children's mental health services criteria.  At our fist meeting the psychiatrist turned to me and said. You seem like a fairly intelligant person. How did you allow this to happen. That day that seed of doubt was a fully blooming plant of doubt. Worthlessness and failure.  So i said i dont know. The me writing this has a differnt reply with that psychiatrist. Didnt reqlly go well with them. So we muddled through. In between the dark days there was lots of laughter. Those were some of my happiest memories.  She made me laugh so  hard i couldnt breathe. We pranked each other. We were happy. Yes she self harmed and was on medication. But we were in a bubble long before covid. And we shut society out. I saw no friends. It was just us and doctors. 

Then covid hit. It made shans anxiety through the roof. I have asthma and she was so scared I would get it. She became obsessed with cleaning. She was the one who became ill. Not with covid but with a severe throat infection.  The Dr's wanted her in hospital.  But that meant leaving me. And she wouldn't.  So I treated her at home. We thought she was better then her face dropped like when someone has a stroke.  She had bells palsy. Shan loved her make up. She couldn't do it. So she withdrew more. The suicide attempts started again. She got referred to adult mental health last Yr.

I have argued with myself sharing this next bit. I do not want anyone to feel the blame. But iv had to many people contact me. From all areas of her journey I have to for them. Because it needs to stop. At shans last assessment one of the things that was still very much tearing her apart was being called nanny mcfee at the age of 11. Not the sexual abuse . Not the yrs of damage she had done to her body. Inside and out. She was diagnosed with complex ptsd that day. This was in January of this yr.  She had several failed suicide attempts this yr. She was diagnosed with cluster migraines this yr. We went to a&e a lot. She saw optometrist a Neurosurgeon . We had every medication going. It was her anxiety causing it. She was prescribed propranolol.  On the 23rd of April she left the house in the middle of the night. She was going to jump of a bridge. But she came home.  I called the crisis team. She was assessed and was released back home where a nurse and Dr would visit each day. She hadn't left the house for a long long time. She hadn't left her room for days. So I was relieved.  It was the right choice . On the 25th of April she self harmed. But this was deep and on her wrists. Seeing cuts on her was something I was used to. They were all over her chest her arms and her legs. But she seemed better. She came down stairs on that day and chatted with a social worker. I was so pleased . But did express how strange this was. She hadn't spoken to me in weeks properly.  And we were close. I had been by her side through all of it. But she even started to ask if it was OK to use the toilet.  As soon as he went she was straight upstairs.  I think if she told them how she was truly feeling they would section her. I don't blame them. I did and have apologised.  

On the 27th April me and the dogs did as we had done every morning. I opened her door and my eyes went to the bed . This may seem shocking but I was checking her lips to see if they were blue. I had done this for the past few months. Since her depression had got worse it was routine. That morning the dogs wouldn't go in. She was on the floor. I think I knew. But I also had 4 dogs and 2 parrots. I moved quick. I got them out the way. As I was doing so I called 999. I shut them all downstairs.  They knew and were howling. While I was waiting to speak I saw her lips were blue. I flung open her window and screamed for help. The 999 operator instructed me to check if she was breathing. She wasn't.  I knew she was gone. But he got me to get her on her back. Then I saw blood. She had taken an overdose but had also cut herself badly. Her white top was red. He made me do cpr. I was screaming at him. But I done it. And her lips turned white. So I had a bit of hope. It only took 4 minutes fir the ambulance to come.  But it felt forever. To start with it was just 3 paramedics. I watched them working on her. They knew there could be blades. They didn't care they got straight to work. And let me tell you. These people are amazing.  I don't know who they are or what they look like. But thank you.  The police arrived and pulled me away. But not before I saw them drill onto her ankle to try and get a line in. 

The police got all my rage that day. The police lady never faltered.  And I was vile I was aggressive.  And I wanted to hurt somewhere. My reason for being. The one who saved me was gone. They worked on her for 20 mins. The house was once again full of police.  And again I called my mum. By some miracle they got a pulse. She saved me again. 

The police took me to the hospital.  Shan had gone in the helicopter.  They got her stable. And put her on life support. They let me see her briefly before taking her for a brain scan.  I went home as there was nothing more I could do there. For once I left my baby with people who I could trust.

They phoned and said she was stable. And had tried to breathe before being put into a coma. They would try and wake her the next day. I thought maybe just maybe we had a second chance. But what would her life be like? She wouldn't be allowed home where she felt safe. She would be sectioned and drugged for who knew how long. But she was alive. I picked myself up a bit. I looked at out dogs. Percy a shih tzu 9yrs old. Lola she was shans this dog idolised shan. She is a princess.  There's lilly a teacup chihuahua.  And cookie a chihuahua.  They were scared they could feel it. They had seen some awful things the last couple of yrs. They were traumatised.  So we had a cuddle. I got up and fed them. Not sure how. But they are out babies and shan would be mad if I didn't care for them because of her. I went and saw shans chinchilla sparkle. Fed him made sure he was OK. Our 16 yr old cat Barnaby came in. He is a grumpy old man. And let me know in no uncertain terms how he felt about the situation.