Help me kick Emetophobia in the nuts and not die

Hello everyone.

My name is Alex and I am a proud person and not usually one to ask for help, but after ringing in the new year on the phone to a crisis line I am at a point where I think I might actually die if I don’t get help soon.

I am seeking your help in treating my Emetophobia, which is a phobia of vomit. I have had this phobia since I was 8 years old and it has been the one constant in what has been quite a tumultuous life.

Emetophobia is more than just not liking sick, it is a deep fear that I live with and think about every second of every day, that causes compulsive intrusive thoughts and avoidant behaviour, a bit like OCD. Around 6-8% of the population has it, to varying degrees of severity. My husband calls it “The Demon” because it is a dark cloud, an insidious presence, and a cancer that, as it has grown, has negatively influenced my life and the lives of everyone I am close to.

When I was young I used to like having it. I thought it kept me healthy and it stopped me getting too mixed up in alcohol or drugs. However, it was a false sense of security and a quirk that used to “keep me safe” now controls every element of my existence and over the past 35 years it has gradually sucked all the pleasure and spontaneity out of my life and made my life tiny small.

It started with the avoidance of certain foods, but now extends to me avoiding: public transport, parties, schools, restaurants, boats, planes, trains, crowds, rollercoasters, bars & nightclubs, gigs, strip clubs, holidays, hospitals, tap water, swimming pools, Disneyland, buffets, drugs, alcohol, medication, children’s parties, cinemas, theatres, and basically anywhere with people.

It’s sad because I do remember doing (and enjoying!) quite a lot of those things and it’s silly because I know it is irrational so I do try and challenge it but as the phobia has grown its voice has become stronger and louder than my own.

I used to love travelling so so much but nowadays my phobia makes it basically impossible. It feeds on news articles and overheard snippets of conversations, every day adding to its list of forbidden things. All it takes is one person to mention a bad experience on a plane or for me to read a news article about Norovirus and my whole trip is ruined (or cancelled) because I spend the whole time in my head worrying. The worrying is constant. It never stops and it is just so tiring to live with, especially since Covid.

Every day the list of forbidden things gets larger, and my list of “safe foods” gets smaller and smaller - which as someone with AuDHD and ARFID - is not a list that can afford to get much smaller. I basically eat about 5 things and I can’t even go into the doctors about it because I am scared of catching an illness in the surgery!

Despite this I have been through the NHS many times with my phobia and I have tried lots of things to treat it: CBT therapy, EMDR, psychotherapy and exposure therapy… but nothing so far has helped, at least not longterm. So far all I know is that I have this phobia as the result of childhood trauma and it is a safety seeking behaviour, because for periods of my early life I was either neglected or physically/emotionally abused and did not feel safe.

As time goes on and I get older it has affected my abilities as a caregiver, it has made me scared to have more children, and I live in fear of getting a life-threatening illness because I know in my current state I would refuse most medications.

I am at a point now where I feel hopeless and I am experiencing suicidal ideation. I need intensive inpatient treatment, but as we all know the waiting lists on the NHS are huge and take years and I can’t afford to go private. Which is where you come in!

There is a really amazing inpatient centre in Oxfordshire that specialises in phobias and trauma that for the sake of my loved ones and my family I would love to go to and finally try and beat this thing. I don’t want to die but this phobia is slowly killing me and I feel like this facility might be my last chance at a normal life.

The proceeds from this Gofundme would pay for one week’s residential care where I could hopefully start the journey of getting better by kicking this phobia demon in the nuts.

All I want is to be able to live without fear and do fun things with my family again. It would mean the world to be able to go for a simple meal with them without worrying, or to take my daughter on Nemesis at Alton Towers, or go on holiday without having panic attacks and meltdowns.

I understand that times are tough for everyone at the moment and that my timing is appalling but I really am at rock bottom and would appreciate any help whatsoever because I am very poor!

If you think it would be useful I would be happy to write about my journey. Emetophobia is rarely talked about in the media and it is such a common problem that can be really hard to treat.

Thank you so much for reading!

Alex

UPDATE 7/1/25

Thank you so much for everyone’s support so far - because of you I have been able to book an assessment so I can see what my treatment plan is going forward. I don’t envision the road ahead will be easy but I have your support to keep me accountable and to push me forward, so thank you again it really means a lot