Hi!

My name is Ethan. I'm 23 years old and top surgery is something I need, but scares the hell out of me.

And not in the sense of : "Oh my god I'm second guessing myself."

It's the medical aspect itself that makes me anxious.

I know I need this surgery, trans affirming care is something I've always needed, but unfortunutely, like many people out there, doctors and I don't mesh well, it's a scary process, especially in this day and age. Feeling like your doctor respects and understands who you are is such an important aspect of it. On top of that, I sadly have to live with medical trauma I can't seem to shake.

And so I've made the scary and expensive decision to try and raise money to go to an american surgeon I've known about since I was 17. For privacy reasons, I'm choosing to not disclose the name of the surgeon until after I get my surgery, if I do, that is. But 6 years later, I'm still confident that they would be my safest choice. I've considered european surgeons throughout the years (and still am) , but no one has been so consistent with their results, and that somehow reassures me. And even if we disregard results and everything-- the NHS...don't get me started on the length of the waitlist. For my mental health, I can't wait that long. So I'm having to find a different way.

While I am desperate for this surgery, and it is something that weighs on me everyday, this is such a big step, I want to do things right, and in a way that makes me feel safe and confident going in, which is why it has taken me so long to choose. But the older I get, the more I realise how long I have been unhappy, and if I don't do something about it now, I'll regret not having done the surgery sooner. My mind is already cluttered with thoughts about how different my life would've been with the right care. I want to not have this be such a significant obstacle in my life.

Life isn't about hiding away and I'm ready to feel comfortable in my own skin. It's been far too long already.

The surgery alone can cost anywhere between $15k and $20k out of pocket. Wild. I know.

But then comes in the expense of the year of private HRT recommended before surgery. Travelling there and back in conditions that 1, don't leave me shattered upon arriving, and 2, don't complicate the healing process on the way back. Accomodation for the minimum healing time before long haul flights. Having Andy, my partner there to monitor my condition. Insurance, and God knows what other hidden expenses that could fall upon us...

It's a scary amount of money.

But it's for a surgery that I would otherwise be even more scared of fucking up.

Thankfully, we do have a chunk of the expenses that have been covered by a group of wonderful people that came together to raise 5k for my birthday a few years back, and for that, I couldn't be more grateful. I'm eternally thankful to anyone that has or will help my journey.

This is the dream folks. This is a fund towards the 'in an ideal, dream world' surgery.

And its a big goal. It's an abhorrent amount of money for transcare. So I'm not expecting us to hit the goal, but if we can raise as much as possible, even if you can only spare a little bit, you would already be helping me out tremendously.

Happy Pride Month, and thank you from the bottom of my heart :) <3