help me afford my mental health recovery in OK

Who am I?

I go by many names, but many people know me as Mars. I'm 33, and afraid to show my face (but some people know what I look like, and I kind of look like this drawing).

I'm an artist, and a streamer who has been on a very long and very undesired hiatus. I used to actively run a blog where I helped lower rank Overwatch players understand the game, especially through the perspective of playing the tank hero Zarya. At some point, my interest in the game became more fandom-related, and through that I became inspired to draw comics for women, about women.

I'm interested in doing a little of everything, knowing the audiences are all very different - but content creation is something I've always enjoyed and am passionate about making my career.

What Happened?

In 2018, I was asked to move out of my mother's house in New York, and things just went to shit from there. I moved in with an online friend of ten years, whose boyfriend was a bit mentally unhinged, and through that experience I sustained a serious dog bite to my right hand.

My roommates convinced me not to go to the hospital, and I nursed it back to health myself at home. (picture here and here - first one's bloody, second one's after a month. All my effort with no medical supervision.)

The weird jealousy of my friend's boyfriend caused tension and eventually he started to take it out on my friend. He never tried to communicate directly to me and tended to just tell her what to tell me. She got tired of him and wanted distance, and that was when he took his anger out on me. I was bitten a second time in the leg by the same dog, and had police called on me under the context that I had been evicted and didn't leave. I was then forced to leave, with none of my things, and slept in a hotel room on Thanksgiving 2018.

I never recovered all of my belongings from them; in fact I lost almost everything I had ever owned in that situation. I lost a lifetime of artwork, electronics, game consoles I've had since I was a baby, all things I wanted to use for my streams, that I never recovered because attempting to made my friend accuse me of 'blackmail' and block me, and I never heard from her again. She basically stole all my things and I would be surprised if they weren't thrown into the wood burning stove to heat her house.

I was only given what felt like a second chance to start over when a new friend I met online happened to have the connections to fly me to Texas for free. I jumped on that so fast, needing shelter and not caring where I had to go to get it. That led to an unexpected relationship with this person, where she spent a good amount of the first year we knew each other watching me recover from multiple sudden illnesses like bronchitis and a crazy mouth infection - but also suffering from flashbacks and mood swings - things I medicated with alcohol, to which I became dependent for two years.

I would be lying if I didn't say that my problem drinking became out of my control, and that I have very little memory of this point because of it. I was in a dark place where I only wanted to be drunk, I had gained 90 pounds, and I was miserable and blind to the abuse my partner was putting me through. She lied about money to the point that she ended up going over 40,000 dollars in debt with emergency loans she didn't pay on time, and then her dad just paid it all off like it was nothing. She would hit me or jumpscare me on purpose and laugh or tell me to get over it; she'd call me names like "retard" or make fun of me when I cried over flashbacks; she'd ignore me for hours to play games with online friends, and she would never engage my interests or just spend time talking to me - unless she was drunk too.

Eventually, one of my long-time stream viewers, who I spoke to on and off, would catfish me after three years of letting me believe he was female. I offered help, wanting to pay forward what I saw as being helped by my partner in spite of the shit going on between us.

Had I known this person was a man from the start, I never would have tried to save him from what he described was someone sexually harrassing him - it turned out what really happened was he had scammed another vulnerable lgbt streamer into flying to his state and driving his stuff to Texas for him, and he started complaining about it before the first night was even over. He used both of us, and I again just didn't see it because I wanted to help, and I wanted to believe everything was going to work out.... and oh yeah I was a traumatized alcoholic.

Fast forward to 2020, the worst mental health year of my life to date: this 'friend' would lock himself in his room only to come out to heat up some chicken nuggets and retreat right back in. He made no efforts to fulfill any agreements we had, used us like a taxi service until I told him to back off, and likely spent most of his time eavesdropping on my partner and I, who were struggling and arguing more and more, to use for his victim narrative that he'd spring on his next catfish victim (which I'm pretty sure actually worked.) Someone I thought was my friend just used me and was already looking for someone new to use a few months into moving in. Living like that just made things worse, because it turns out I have DID.

DID is a lot like PTSD, except what happened was my trauma was being compartmentalized by alters I wasn't aware of. Certain alters were aware of certain events, and one particular alter would present when I was drunk. That alter was not ashamed to tell my friend how she felt about him, so that gave him ammo that we were abusive roommates. In hindsight, I remember him using similar, seemingly cruel messages from his exes to groom me into wanting to help when the time came, and I can see now that he completely engineered it to happen in both situations by deliberately using triggers we shared in confidence against us.

I didn't understand my DID nor did I even believe it was possible I could have it at that point, so I thought I was just horribly moody and had memory gaps from the alcoholism. And it's not an excuse or a scapegoat, but context for many moments where I was 'out of character' (and, additionally, for any weird time or context gaps in this story you're reading). I own everything I've done regardless of which alter truly did it, but I only say this because it began to play an important part in things at the end of 2020, when my partner got on top of me while we were having a drunk argument and tried to break my neck.

....Twice. And the second time, I called for help. (She was given probation in the end, and somehow convinced a jury we weren't in a 3 year relationship to dodge an actual domestic/family violence conviction. Good for her. Glad she had such a supportive family.)

Now comes 2021, where I was liberated of my abusive relationship (against my will at first but eventually seeing the truth), and my abusive roommate (who magically disappeared the day our lease was up as I expected). I successfully lost all my extra weight, kicked my drinking habit with no help, and was holding down a job. Things were great, but this was the year my DID symptoms became so obvious, I started noticing the 'switches' between my alters, usually at work or while trying to draw or make online content.

Then I was diagnosed, and I spent most of 2022 coming to understand it and get along with my alters. (If you were wondering, there are 6 of them including me. Most of the people I've ever spoken to long term have interacted with at least three alters, but they most clearly present themselves online where they religiously organize their content away from one another.)

Things between us have been great now, except for the fact that we're so burned out from all of this, we can't work except from home. And that is completely fine, but I'm starting with nothing because ever since I've escaped my previous situation, I've been on my own in a place where I know nobody, and I simply can't afford living alone while my mental health is preventing me from working like I used to.

In spite of it all, I've always enjoyed my transient, solitary lifestyle, and proud of my self-sufficiency and independence. I feel extremely fortunate that I have a system of alters who want to survive and function, and have evidently done what they deemed necessary to accomplish that.

Well, we think this is necessary now.

What Is My Plan?

One of my biggest goals in life is to tell stories that inspire girls to have self confidence and feel strong and capable, using my experiences to teach them how to see the red flags of toxic relationships. But my mental health has taken an unexpected nosedive, placing me in a situation where my best option is to move out of Texas to a place with a lower cost of living.

Finding therapists and doctors that can help me in Texas isn't easy or cheap. It's also a struggle because I live alone, and have a cat to look after - so even if I could find some kind of inpatient help, I have to worry about who would be watching my cat. In the four years I've spent here, I've made no bonds, was catfished by one of my stream viewers, and became victimized by an ex whose family blamed me because "people who love you don't call the police on you".

As time went on after those experiences, I tried to move on, but I eventually became crippled by the PTSD I didn't realize I even had because of my alters, who do everything they can to keep my mind off it.

Along the way, those alters have been sabotaging each other for two years, and struggling with flashbacks, seizures, and just things I really shouldn't be trying to handle without someone's supervision... hence making this appeal to get help.

After some research, I think Tulsa is going to be a good fit for me. I can afford rent on a small apartment with my remote job, and I can likely make the move completely by myself. I'm familiar with making big moves, but my predicament has left me less-than-financially prepared in a time where I may lose all of my belongings, become unsheltered, and not be able to care for my only emotional support, my cat Zelda.

I'm not expecting a full 5000 dollars, but if I somehow did make it, it would go to the following:

-getting my tiny chevy spark looked at to make sure it can make the 5 hour drive to Tulsa, because this will take a few round trips

-acquiring a moving truck and possibly hiring someone to help load it

-covering a month or two of rent in Tulsa, and/or a deposit

-finishing my lease payments in Texas (which will amount to half of that already thanks to idfk what, it's really a joke what my rent is in a college town but i was keeping up with it just fine until all this)

-getting zelda checked out, and preparing her to move

-gas and moving supplies.

Anything left over after that would be saved, or put directly into the content I've been wanting to get back to ever since this all started. It will upgrade my 7 year old PC to allow me to stream and tell my stories just like old times.

Being completely honest with you, it's incredibly embarrassing for me to ask for these things. I hate to feel like I'm in this position, but if I can't find some kind of help moving, there's a pretty high chance I will end up homeless and unsheltered in Texas during the winter. Trauma has been weighing on me, but I'm trying to be prepared for that outcome.

In the current shape I'm in, this is one of my last options to try. I hate that I have to admit it, but I'm just barely keeping it together. I can only pretend to, but I simply can't function like I know I've done before, and if I don't open up and explain why, nobody will understand. I hope this makes sense, and I appreciate you reading, sharing, or helping in any way you can. Thanks.