I never thought I would be in this position again, but here I am. I need help and this is never easy. To be this vulnerable and open up when it’s the last thing I want to do is a challenge. It’s so hard for me.

About 2 years ago, I fell ill and was at the worst I have ever been. I was bedridden basically, from October to April. I had a major illness and infection that had to run its course and it took a toll on me. I wasn’t able to work, take care of Cruz much, or help out with anything. 

Not working that long destroyed my savings. It ate up everything I had like a wildfire. I have been trying to get back on my feet since, but as luck would have it, a higher power always has different plans.

I’ve been struggling with an autoimmune disease that really exposed itself over the last year as well as finding out I have a lump in my breast that is slowly growing. For anyone who doesn’t know, I had a slow growing colon cancer about 10-11 yrs ago, so I’m being monitored for now. I have been going through mammograms and ultrasounds over the last year. I do have material that presents as cancer, but it won’t be tested just yet. No one really knows I’ve been keeping this all secret for the last 2 years. I’ve just started shutting down. I have struggled for such a long time with heavy problems that I was never able to take the time to mentally cope with them. I would bury the emotion because I had a child to take care of on my own. I knew and know that no one can change my life except for me, but at the end of the day, there are still things I can’t control. 

I’m not okay, even if I say I am. I want to be though. I’ve hit a depression that has me at rock bottom. I’m so behind on bills and finances, I’m past the point of being able to accomplish this on my own. I’m at the point that I need to swallow my pride and ask for help.

It’s a sucker punch from the Devil himself to know that I’m an adult and in this moment, I have a child that I need to care for and if something were to happen to me, I have nothing to help me or leave for Cruz.

Focusing so much on everything around me left me forgetting the little things along the way that I still needed to care for that matter. One being my truck. Anyone who knows me, fully understands how much I love my truck. Of all the cars in the world, I have my dream truck and own it completely. It has been my home, my only place of comfort sometimes, and one of the only places I feel safe. 

But the truck has suffered also. It’s been in and out of the shop during the months of March and April, thousands spent, and it still isn’t fixed. I don’t have the money yet to finish it and it’s my only vehicle as a daily driver for myself and Cruz. There’s nothing really wrong with it, it’s just long overdue and in need of service I cannot afford all at once. At the time it was due for service, I was consumed by everything hitting me at once that I just forgot. The truck has been a solid workforce since day one. It’s ran solid for the last 10 yrs, never having an issue. The truck, much like myself, was overworked without the care it needed to keep up. For me to work though, I need to be able to drive it and right now, it’s limping along. 

I am trying to earn money so I can hopefully fix the truck, make it drivable, sell it and get my bills down. My end goal is to sell the truck, no matter how much I don’t want to, so I can give myself a better head start with Cruz. When you love something, you have to set it free, right? But for now, I can’t work as much as I need to earn the money to fix it, because I can’t drive it with the work it still needs.

Along with the truck needing maintenance and my medical issues, it’s taken a toll on Cruz most of all. It hurts my heart to have him see me struggle and see me as I see myself, completely weak. But I want to show him that no matter how hard life can be, there are always people who love you and will be there for you. You just can’t give up, you need to keep working hard, and remember what drives you. 

Anyone who knows me knows how hard it is for me to ask for help; it literally makes me sick to my stomach. I was raised to learn and earn things on my own and work hard. Always do better and be better than the day before. Except I’m lost right now. I’m exhausted. In a short period of time, the span of maybe 3-4 years or less, I had a child, almost lost him to a birth defect, immediately followed by colon cancer, had a thyroid gland removed my neck while awake, separated and got divorced, moved homes twice, got extremely sick, and more. Those years were followed by the onset of symptoms for the autoimmune disease I have, working 6 years straight with no vacation except for my grandmother’s funeral and a brief few days to mourn the loss of my 16yr old dog who was in kidney failure. I need a break that hasn’t come yet, but I’m hopeful. 

Any little bit helps. I’m so close to getting over this hump, but yet still so far away. I have no idea what will happen with my future medical issues. But for now, my goal is to make things better for me and for Cruz. I don’t know how I will accomplish that, but I always find a way.

To anyone who donates or can help, I can’t measure how grateful I am, but I will show you later when I pay it forward. We are so thankful for all the help we have received so far. I’m praying for a miracle right now.