Help me access therapy after lifetime of abuse

photo is from when my abusive ex made my nose bleed by punching me

hello, my name is jade, i’m a 24 year old non-binary person from los angeles. i am an artist, scholar, sw-er, community organizer, a cat lover and a recent grad from UCLA

sadly I grew up watching my mother use drugs and be abused by my father, it was a neglectful and abusive upbringing that affects me to this very day. i’ve lasted a lifetime of severe trauma from being poor and homeless with my mother, being assaulted by men on the street as a young person and a extremely physical and emotionally abusive relationship at the age of 18. my ex threw me from moving cars, pulled me downstairs by my hair and killed the cat his mother got for me, among much other things. i have CPTSD from this lifetime of abuse & suffer from nightscares, chronic and debilitating flashbacks, severe anxiety, and emotional deregulation just to begin.

i had the privilege of accessing CBT and EMDR therapy while going to UCLA for undergrad and it was an amazing experience, though it was difficult to process complex emotions alongside complex theories, so i had to stop. I would like to start again however the only insurance i have access to is medi-cal and there are little to no providers who do EMDR available to me, therefore to access therapy i will need to pay out of pocket.

if i could make this goal, i would go back to my therapist i had before who charged $100 per session on the lower end of sliding scale & complete my therapy and hopefully change my life. i’ve had such a hard time getting to this position, since i am more stable with housing, the cptsd flashbacks and such are stronger than ever and coupled with my newly diagnosed ADHD, it has prevented me from becoming the person i wish to grow into. i thank everyone who contributes or even shares this.

thank you.