I'm Laci (they/them) and these are some of the hardest words I'll ever type: I need help.

This is difficult for me because I've always worked extremely hard to not ask for help, be fiercely independent, but that can become a fault. It's a trauma response. I don't want to be a burden or seem weak. I don't want my efforts to suddenly feel as if they mean nothing. It's wild what your mind can do to you. But here I am...I need help.

I'm a first-generation college student, parentified child, estranged from my entire family aside from my amazing younger sister and grandparents- Nanny and Papaw (who have both passed away and were and will always be my true mom and dad), product of a low income household, diagnosed with cptsd, anxiety, depression, ADD, autism, and more! This is me.

I've always loved school and I've always wondered why I struggled despite knowing I was intelligent. The majority of the answers listed above came to light in my late 20s/early 30s. That's a long time to not know, all while surviving a toxic and abusive household that felt like literal hell. Let's just say, there's been a lot of grieving for my child self. They deserved so much better.

For 10 years, I fell into an accidental career. I say "accident" because I was never planning to be a librarian, I was planning to only take a year or two off after getting my bachelor's degree and then life just kept on happening, and I definitely wasn't going to go back to school without a job but alas, I am doing just that for a while to get acclimated and be kind to my nervous system. To honor my needs and work through a tremendous amount of burnout. To heal.

This is where the help comes in. To just focus on school and health and then add back in a part-time job asap as a Halloween decor hunter on social media, gardener at a nursery, grumpy bartender, your child's party entertainment for library-themed birthdays, possibilities are endless. I've recently applied to 2 places with no luck.

My time as a librarian will always be held in a very special place in my heart. I have joyous stories for days and deeply miss the kids and helping people access resources. But by the end of it, working for the organization became soul-crushing. It has affected my mental and physical health for the worst in several ways. I genuinely feel as if I was part of a war that was a lost cause. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was beyond time.

I've known since middle school that Psychology was my absolute passion and I'm back on track to being a children's therapist. To help marginalized groups. To be the person I so desperately needed as a child.

At my core, I know I'm asking for help because I need it. It's ok to need help. I'll work through the weird feelings as I know this is being read by so many of you that know me from several moments, times, and spaces in my life.

I want the reset I know I need and deserve...and I need your help to foster a continuance of the magic and healing I know I can offer this world. I know the ripple effect I'm capable of creating. I've gotten this far on my own and I'm trying to think of this as being more open to inviting others along in my journey. So here is your extremely awkward yet genuinely heartfelt invitation. Help me continue to help others while trying to heal so many personal wounds at the same time. I'm so burnt out from re-parenting myself, people-pleasing, fighting the injustices of the world, etc... I just need some more time... and as we've all heard "time is money"... I've used much of my personal savings and my retirement fund to pay for school, bills/surprise bills (including hospital bills from over a year ago that seem neverending, car repair and new tires, health insurance, and emergency vet visits), sold personal belongings (including beloved Halloween items), and so on.

I'm trying so hard but it's just not enough. I'll never have an inheritance from relatives, never had a fund set up for me as a child to support my future, none of that. Honestly, life has always felt like playing on hard mode for me... in a constant state of survival when all I want to do is live.

Thank you for reading this far. Thank you for any support you can offer. I promise I'll never take any of it for granted. I'll make you all proud, I'll fight the good fight, I'll help everyone I can... but right now, I'm the one who needs help, and that's ok.

All the love always,

Laci