Help Kestrel Overcome Vocal Dysphoria

Hi everyone,

It can be really hard to ask for help. It feels vulnerable, or like I’m admitting I can’t take care of myself. However, without help from my community, or others who wish to, It simply won’t be possible to get a surgery that I have been wanting desperately for over two years now. It’s a vocal surgery, called feminization laryngoplasty. It would transform my voice completely into one which is much closer if not identical to a cis woman. Personally it has never been my goal to pass as a cis woman, although it seems like the safety it would bring me is getting more valuable by the day. It was always my goal to feel like my body and my gender presentation aligned with who I am internally, which isn’t a cis woman.

However, the decision to try and get this surgery was an easy one for me. Ever since the moment that I cracked and realized I was trans, I have had pretty intense vocal dysphoria. This mostly shows up when I hear my voice played back at me, either through a phone, or a recording. I hear a man saying the words I just said and it reaches inside me and pokes at something vulnerable, something soft. I just want to feel like my voice aligns with who I am inside.

When things about my presentation or body don’t align with that sense of who I am, it creates a discordance that can feel like revulsion, emotional pain, and intense grief. I have done a lot of work and come a long way in terms of addressing the discordant parts of me, and my mental health has improved with each step. However one part of me continues to create friction against the world, continues to cause me to be mis-gendered (even by well meaning friends, family, and teachers). I am referring, of course, to my voice.

I have been in vocal therapy now for probably 7 or 8 months. I have made a lot of progress, there’s a lot I’ve been able to do to move closer to a voice that feels good to me. However, there is a limit to how much I can achieve without surgery. Because of testosterone puberty, my voice is naturally baritone. This means that to sound feminine, I have to be extremely intentional in the way that I speak, something which makes me in turn feel less authentic. It’s also just difficult to stay in that range for extended periods of time. I have a tendency to slip back into older speech patterns at times, which can in turn make me dysphoric.

For all of these reasons, I am pursuing surgery. I’m very lucky to live in Portland where the best trans vocal surgeon in the world practices, Dr. James Thomas. People travel from all over the world to get his surgery because it is superior to any other type of vocal surgery. Most trans vocal surgeries focus on increasing the pitch of our voice through modifying the vocal cords. His does this too, but takes it one step further and changes the actual resonance of the voice. This means that afterwards, the recipient doesn’t sound like a man with a high voice, but instead like a woman. The idea of not having to think about my voice all the time and just having it naturally sound feminine is like a dream come true.

However it’s expensive, and although trans vocal surgery is supposedly covered by Oregon health insurance (I have OHP), the wait lists are extremely long, and the system is a nightmare to navigate. On top of that, Dr. Thomas doesn't accept Medicaid, or any health insurance for that matter. I really want to get the surgery from him if I get it from anyone, since his results are what I want, and any surgery is a huge commitment.

So I’m putting this out to the internet to ask for help from friends, family, allies, and kind strangers who understand that gender-affirming care is necessary healthcare. It would mean the absolute world to me if I could make this happen.

If you want to learn more about the different surgeries and how they compare to feminization laryngoplasty, you can watch Dr. Thomas' video here https://youtu.be/VSad61GB-tk?si=gOOzLDfTUxAC4gHY&t=206 however trigger warning: gore. He shows some photos of open throats during surgery at at least one point, as well as a lot of videos that may feel gross where he has a camera down a surgery recipients throat so you can see the vocal folds in action.

With cautious optimism and love,

Kestrel Dimson