Help Josh Meet His Family in Bolivia

Hello and thank you for visiting my GoFund Me! My name is Dylan and I have a story to tell...

When I first considered joining Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS) in 2012 before being “matched” with my little brother there was an orientation process to complete. The orientation process was composed of an introductory meeting with other potential Big Brothers and Big Sisters covering the basics of BBBS followed later by a one-on-one interview with a member of the BBBS staff so that they could learn about me. During these early phases of becoming a big brother BBBS also explained what the qualifications were for a child to become a little brother or sister. As it was explained to me they once used the term “at risk youth” to describe children that were eligible, but had more recently adopted the attitude that given today’s climate nearly any child, regardless of their circumstances, could be at risk. Therefore, they had revised eligibility to be any child whose same sex parent was absent from his or her life.

Based on my life experience I decided becoming a big brother was something I wanted to do. While I had grown up in a two-parent household with a supportive mother and father, things had taken a dramatic turn in my life while I was attending college at Penn State. In the wee hours of a late January morning in 2001 I got a call from my mother that my father had taken his own life. I was 21 at the time and according to all legal measures an adult, but I don’t think age or legal status can mitigate the hole that is left in your life after losing a parent. I felt that knowing how large a part my father played in my life while simultaneously understanding what it meant to no longer have a person to fill his role put me in a unique position to be a mentor to a young man missing his father.

After all the orientation meetings were complete, I informed BBBS that I was ready to make the commitment and a few weeks later got a call that I had been matched with an 11 year old boy named Josh. Josh was joining the program because his father was from Bolivia and while Karen, his mother, was pregnant his father told Karen that he had to return to Bolivia because his green card or visa or whatever gave him permission to be in the United States was expiring. Over the next 11 years there was no word from Josh's father and Karen assumed his dad was somewhere in Bolivia and they would likely never see him again. This was what led Karen to contact BBBS. Lacking a reliable male role model in his life Karen hoped that BBBS might be able to help. My first meeting with Josh was scheduled at a local pizza place and included Karen and a representative from BBBS.

Going into the meeting I didn’t know exactly what to expect. During the one-on-one interview it had been explained to me that BBBS did their best to match Bigs and Littles with similar interests, but I had no idea which of my interests Josh shared. In fact, the only thing I knew for certain, was that Josh’s father was not in his life. Everything else was to be determined, but I knew for sure being a positive part of his life would entail helping him deal with his father’s absence. It was the one thing I knew definitively, without a doubt, with 100% certainty would be a part of my mentorship of my little brother. Of course, a few weeks later his father showed up. It would probably be more accurate to say that he was located rather than that he showed up, but either way it was a highly unexpected development.

As it turns out at about the same time Karen was reaching out to BBBS she was also creating a social media profile for the first time on Facebook. As I remember it in the early days of Facebook after adding a couple “friends” the "People You May Know“ feature became a cornucopia of long lost friends and contacts so someone from your past popping up was rarely a surprise, that is unless the person that pops up is the father of your child that you thought had departed for Bolivia 11 years prior. Even more surprising was that not only was he not in Bolivia, but he was living in Virginia where he and Karen had met and where Josh and Karen had lived prior to moving to Central Pennsylvania to be closer to Karen’s mother and sister. Needless to say, Karen made contact. I’m not sure how the first conversation between a mother and a man who abandoned her with his child 11 years earlier begins or ends, and I don’t know everything in between, but at some point Josh’s father agreed to meet Josh.

As far as I was concerned this was excellent news. Based on his history I didn’t see Josh’s father swooping in to take on the role he had been rejecting for 11 years, but I think on the spectrum of absenteeism from a child’s life any reduction below 100% is a positive. The problem for me was what was to become of my role? I had thoroughly prepared myself for working with a child whose father was absent, this was what I knew. Establishing a relationship with an absentee parent was something I knew nothing about. This was tantamount to my father rising from the dead and I definitely have no idea what I would do if that happened. On top of that I didn’t even know if I would continue to be Josh’s big brother. Was the addition of his father to his life a cause for disqualification of eligibility? Or does the emotional stress of meeting your father for the first time at 11 increase the need for the role of a big brother? Would Josh still be open to having a big brother, or would one meeting with his father transform my relationship from “Big Brother” to “Not My Father.”

While I did think about these things my only concern was for Josh and his well-being so I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to wait for answers to these questions and for the time being do my best to find a way to play a positive role in Josh’s life. Not surprisingly it soon became clear that while Josh would talk to and see his father occasionally, Josh’s father would not become a significant part of his life. Over the next few years there would be some contact, and I think Josh was happy to at least know who his father was, but I don’t believe any bond was formed between them. At the same time the bond between Josh and myself grew and my role turned out to be not much different than I expected at the beginning with minimal drama in Josh’s life relating to his father. And then Josh’s father got cancer, brain cancer, and it was terminal. This time Josh’s dad would return to Bolivia to spend his last days with his family there and Josh would never speak to him again.

The conversations I had with Josh following his father’s death will remain between us, but I think I can say without violating his privacy that like anyone in his situation he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. His father had died, but he barely knew his father, so how sad are you supposed to be when someone you barely know passes away? Is it ok to have your father die and not be sad about it? Is it ok to be sad even though you had no connection with him? I can’t even imagine how complicated it was for Josh to deal with these questions.

As time passed we would discuss his father periodically and I would ask Josh how he was feeling about his father and his father’s passing with the conversations and questions fading as time went on. After awhile it appeared that meeting his father would turn out to be not much more than a footnote in Josh’s life, but once again fate held little regard for my expectations, and I would never be as happy to be wrong as I was this time. At some point, initially unbeknownst to me, Josh’s Aunt and Uncle, his father’s brother and sister from Bolivia, reached out to establish contact with Josh and they and Josh have stayed in touch. I believe it is due to this that I have seen a positive change in Josh and how he feels about himself and his history. Previously, he had always shown a strong connection and pride with his German heritage on his mother’s side, but would never mention or acknowledge the other half of his heritage. Recently, he posted a picture on Facebook of him and his father for national Hispanic heritage month. This represents a seismic shift in Josh’s attitude towards his Hispanic roots and I believe that despite his father’s shortcomings, at long last being welcomed and invited into his father’s family by his aunt and uncle has given Josh a new perspective on embracing his history.

I would like to be able to help Josh build on these positive changes and there is no better way I can think to do this than to help him get to Bolivia to meet his family. He and I have been discussing timing of the trip and as of now it looks like our first and best opportunity will be in July of 2022, but this is contingent on us being able to put together the money needed to make the journey. Josh has graduated from High School and rather than attending college has gotten a jump start on his career and is working in film production. I’m extremely proud of him and he is doing extremely well for only being 2 years into his career, but a trip to Bolivia is not cheap and he does not have the funds needed. In addition, given the emotional magnitude of the journey Josh has expressed that he would like someone to go with him and coming off the pandemic I am recovering financially myself, so if we are going to make this happen we could both use some help.

While we are in Bolivia our itinerary will be determined by our budget, but in addition to meeting his father’s family and exploring the area where his father grew up and lived we would also like to visit the Pantanal and the Salar de Uyuni. We have researched costs and with airfare, car rental, lodging, and tours/guides costs could be extremely variable depending on what we choose to do and where we stay, but we feel that $5,000 per person gives us the opportunity to see and do what we would like with modest but safe transportation and lodging arrangements.

I thank you so much for taking the time to consider helping me get Josh to Bolivia to meet his family and appreciate any contribution you would make to aid us in our journey.

-Dylan