Give Jason Hope and Healing

My name is Jason Shuffstall.  Im 42.  I am struggling with my faith and losing my life.  I dont know who I am anymore.  I don't have amnesia.  I struggle with depression and anxiety and suicidal ideations.  I'm unemployed and lost my appeal for short term disability through my employer and Mutual of Omaha. The photo is a representation of the seasons of change in my life in 2018.  I had everything I needed / wanted earlier this year.  The green leaves depict life.  The colorful leaves display change, and the falling leaves are a representation of me letting go of the things I have loved.  The snow is where I am currently.  Ive hit the bottom.  It's cold.  It's difficult to keep going through.  I just hope it's going to kill off the disease of my 2018 and maybe next year will be green again, but then again, I have lost hope. 2018 has been the most difficult year for me that I can remember.  In February, I admitted myself into the Crisis Residential Unit (CRU) through Safe Harbor.  I had non-stop suicidal thoughts.  I was afraid and I felt alone when I was surrounded by beating hearts everyday.  I began taking Anti-depressants and Anti-anxiety meds.   I thought it was the answer.  I tried living my life and moving forward.  That's what I was told to do.  Doctor's, friends, co-workers, people on social media and my family all said to "Look forward, because many people go through this." I worked full-time at a job for 15 years at a Non-profit organization in Erie.  I loved my job.  I invested my life into my job.  Often times I would work during non-work hours and not record it.  It was a way to stay organized, diligent, and only two steps behind instead of three.  It was also my way of giving back.  The organization is great for the community.    In April, I had already been dealing with personal issues at work, at home, in my family, and with my newly admitted depression.  I have been seeing a counselor for about two years up until this point.  I had established additional supports such as a Psychiatrist and regular meetings with my Counselor.  One day I recognized that I had too much in my life going on and I wanted to reduce my salary WITH my responsibilities.  I asked my employer to reduce my pay!!!  I decided to ask for a mtg with my Supervisor.   I requested a reasonable accommodation for my current mental health and I was told by this person to email them.  I ended up getting a return email that stated this person refused to forward it to the Executive Director after that person said they would do that, then discuss it with the Executive Director.  Where's the integrity?  They lied to me. For most people, this is just another day in the office.   For me, it was the straw that broke the camel's back.   Although minor to most this was a significant trigger that caused me to think about my situation.   My situation: Marriage was not healthy; I had/have regular Panic and Anxiety attacks as often as daily.  I was feeling very alone; I felt worthless and hopeless...still do.  This was all new to me.  On top of that my relationship with my Mother was poor.  She's actually diagnosed with End Stage COPD and Emphysema.  This was difficult to swallow.  She's the one supposed to be helping me and here I was helping her, with help from my brother.  I own a growing DJ business that is currently on hold.  I don't know if I can do it right now.  I need a break.  A week later, I ended up going back to work to discuss options with the Executive Director.  All I could do was cry.  Im 42.  I was weeping in front of my Boss like a lost boy in the woods in a foreign country.  I felt abandoned by family, co-workers, and everyone.  I was told to take time off and apply for short-term disability through Mutual of Omaha.  This was in May.  One of the staff drove me in my car to the Crisis Residential Unit for 5 more days (that's the max).  I couldn't promise them I would make it if I drove myself.  It was the 2nd time this year that I was at CRU.  I almost ended my life several times and considered driving my Jeep into the most beautifully designed and accessible tree on Millfair Rd in Millcreek / Erie PA just before this meeting with my employer.  "The pain and stress and feelings of not belonging in the world would be gone instantly."  I was an anomaly in my thoughts, in my heart.  I was an alien.  That's how I felt.  Suicidal thoughts at first, then I actually tried it.   As fast as I yanked the steering wheel, I instantly felt like it's not me.  To this very minute, I will say it was an act of God that I didn't follow through.  I have no other explanation.  Fast forward to August.  I was denied short term disability through my employer.  I appealed it.  I even had a lawyer from Jacksonville FL help advocate.  I still lost the appeal.  I was told because the Psych Doctor, and my family Doctor, and the Counselor I was seeing did not provide proper documentation that was considered Medical Documentation of my triggers and lack of drive, and that I could not work, or that the appropriate testing was done to determine my situation biologically.  How was I supposed to know?  Im not a Doctor.  I would have asked for what they needed if they told me that BEFORE the appeal.  The strange part is they sent me 1 check, without that medical documentation.  I sit here and I cry almost daily even with the medicine I take.  I'm at the max dosage most Doctors will prescribe; 300 MG of EFFEXOR.  I call them my happy pills.  They don't make me happy.  They just cost more money than I have.  $0. I ended up going from my home to CRU to get help a third time.  I hadn't eaten or showered in 4-5 days.  I drank water sometimes, but that took a lot of effort.  I called Crisis and just told them I was thinking about ending the hurt.  I could never hurt anyone else, but I have so much weight on my soul that it just made sense to find a way to cause my soul to leave my body.   Staff from Safe Harbor came to my place at 11:30 PM because I was on suicidal watch.  They saw my situation and told me to grab some things because I was going to CRU.  After 5 days at CRU, I agreed to not return home for personal reasons; mostly my safety from my thoughts and because I could not be there alone in the back room anymore.   Not one family member who lived with me acknowledged my existence for weeks.  WEEKS.  I admitted myself into a treatment facility through Stairways for depression and anxiety for adults.  It is a 30 day program.  I was safe.  I began eating, going to group and individual therapy.   It was at this time I began to think about where I was going to live after 30 days.  I applied for Medical Assistance and Cash Assistance and Food Stamps through Department of Public Welfare.  I made over $70,000 last year.  This was very difficult for me to ask for help.  I realized that it was necessary if I want a place to live and have food to eat.   I cried almost everyday;  Sometimes in front of complete strangers; Sometimes In my room alone.  After a few weeks, my Father agreed to take me in until I get short term disability through my employer.  You already know that outcome.  I was denied.  After a few days of living with my Dad, I called my Uncle who owns an apartment building in Franklin.  I asked him if he had anything I could stay in until I get an income.  He agreed.  I'm currently staying in a storage room in the building.  I actually like it, alot.  I have a bed, heat, mini fridge, food for the time being,  shower, bathroom, and all of my favorite things I got from my old home.  I have borrowed money for toiletries from family.  I'm separated from my wife and I am about to lose my vehicle as I am scheduled for Repo next week.  I'm nearly 4 months late on my payments.  I have 3 credit cards that hound me constantly because I have no way to pay them.  I don't leave my place because I have no gas.  Next week I might have no car.  I owe a substantial amount of medical bills.  I have been too anxious to total everything I owe, because I will just start crying again.  I am just being honest with you.  I don't talk to my wife, kids, and I left the dog behind because I have no way to feed her.  After being with her for 13 years, it's over.  I believe in God, but I have only asked God to protect and provide for my family.  I feel like I am selfish if I ask for anything for me.  I struggle with my faith right now.  I hurt.  I'm tired.  I'm not sleeping well.  I'm lost.     Several friends told me to do this through Go Fund Me.  This is scary, humbling, and rather embarrassing to even ask for anything.   I am on the verge of giving up so this is my last hope.  I have survived on nothing but gifts in the last few months.  My Grandfather, Dad, Uncle, Aunt, Cousin, and their dog named Lilly have been the support I have received.   Please don't give because of pity.  Please give because maybe you understand what this experience feels like.  Maybe you have been through a separation and divorce.  Maybe you have been through suicidal ideations and have thought about ending the hurt.  Maybe you know someone who has.  Maybe you have been homeless and either almost lost or have lost everything you earned in your life.  Maybe you feel hopeless and unloved.  Maybe you have been moved by my recent story of hell.  I hope you have never been through anything like this, but if you have can you help?  I will use your donation solely for the forementioned purpose-to prevent me from losing all I have and to pay my bills down.  I will be able to pay back some recent debts from friends and family.  Thank you for your love and support.  I can be reached on Facebook if you want to talk.  Your donation could give me a little more hope than I have now, which isn't much.  If you give $1, I will remember your generosity.  If I ever get back to where I was earlier this year, I intend to thank each one of you some way.  Love Needed, Jay