Help is a hard thing to ask for...

Hey there, I don't even know how to start this, because it's embarrassing and uncomfortable to do this. Anyone that knows me, knows I struggle with asking for help, but I have to otherwise I will regret I never did.

In April, I moved back to Sartell, MN to be closer to my daughter to help her with her mental health. She has been struggling the past few years and since I lived about one hour and a half away, it was difficult to watch from afar. I was married for 11 years and my marriage ended shortly before I moved because our priorities never matched up and there was a lack of communication and understanding on what was important. For three years, we planned on moving closer to st. Cloud, MN because that's where our support was. My in-laws, stepson, brotherinlaw and of course my daughter. We had no support community where we were in hastings and I struggled a lot with my mental health because of that. Felt alone and to far away from everyone we should have close. We moved to Apple Valley from st. Cloud in 2012, bought our house in 2014 and been there since. I moved down there for love and stayed because my hus and job was down there. Bringing it back to recent events, when we were planning to move, we had a realtor, I downsized all our things to minimize the clutter, I did fixups on the house, paid for repairs, and lined everything up when it came to contractors and realtors. Each year when it was getting close to get things ready to move, my husband backed out and said we weren't ready. I was upset about it because I was really struggling mentally bring away from my daughter and see her change from a happy go lucky kid to a preteen who felt the weight of the world to soon and started cutting. I wanted him to see that the move was important, but he never did. So we went through the cycle of "we will move next year". Well after the third time of him backing out, I was done. Seemed like his job and his complacency was more important than our well being. After talking and doing counciling, we got nowhere and he wouldn't change his mind and I felt abandoned and all the years I put into this relationship, we're wasted because his needs were more important than anyone else's in the house. Financially he was worried but there was anything to worry about because of the housing market being the way it is we would've had almost double the equity if we sold. We woukd be able to pay off debt, the house and would be just fine. There was no way me or anyone else could make him see how his decision was affected his family, so I asked for a divorce. This all started in February this year. I got on the internet and started looking for a place in st. Cloud because I was making the decision to move so my kids are closer to each other and we are close to family for support.

Ever since I made that decision, my life has been a rollorcoaster of chaos ever since. I worked my ass off to save money for the move and had this all lined up, an apartment close to my daughter and a school that my son gets to go to right next to her school. One week before I was to move, my bank account was garnished by a credit card back in 2015 that had a balance... They took everything and my account was at $0. I was St work when I noticed, so called the bank and the credit card company and all I got was "they couldn't do anything". Now I'm broke, move in a week and still have to pay for moving truck, gas, rent, food, essentials, etc. I felt defeated. (also made the wrong decision of hanging out with a guy who mentally abused me at that time, but kicked him to the curb as soon as I moved). After the move, it was all down hill after that. After being in a marriage for 11 years, my in-laws did not call and check up on me, my brother-in-law judged me for the way I left the relationship and stop talking to me, and my stepson barely talks to me. I moved here to be closer to them, but I ended up being alone anyway. As far as work goes, I transfered stores so I had a job but my depression, anxiety, and bpd took ahold. The reality of being alone, being a mom of two, knowing I would have to file divorce papers and custody for my son, file for parenting time change with my daughter, my husband basically ghosted me after I moved and never called, my daughters dad helped a little when I got here but all that changed pretty quick when they deemed me irresponsible because I needed to adjust visiting time sometimes, it felt like it was me against the world and I had no tools to fight. On memorial weekend I had fun stuff planned for me and the kids and was setup to pick them up after school, but I had an episode of bad dizziness, nauseous, and my site would blackout so I couldn't see but i didn't fully black out. I ate, drank, laid down, etc and nothing was working. I called my kids dad's to let them know what was going on and I might have to go to the hospital. My son's dad was understanding, but my daughter and her dad were not. I ended up going to the hospital to get checked out because this never happened before. I went to a clinic and since they didn't have the right machine to run tests on my brain they ended up sending me to the hospital. When I got checked into the hospital, and was giving the nurse my information and going over my history, she got to the point of where they ask about Mental Health. She asked if I had thought about suicide and at that point I was not in the right headspace but I knew I wasn't going to hurt myself so I stated to her that yes I have thought about it but not going to act on it. I have a plan in place and have been through therapy, so I have things in place in case I get to a certain point. She suggested talking to a psychiatrist which I agreed since I needed to switch my care. She said they were going to take me to another area of the hospital and when we got there it was the psychology department. They put me in a room and took my clothes and my phone and said that I needed to be examined and even though I pleaded and cried to be let go because I didn't want my kids to feel like I wasn't going to be there, they wouldn't let me go. After talking to a psychiatrist and going through options with a nurse and all of that 7 hours later I was released. As soon as I left the hospital I called my daughter because I knew she was going to be the one that was mad most, she didn't answer and when I finally did talk to her I got nothing but attitude and disrespect, and her dad did nothing about it. Ever since then I have tried to reconcile my relationship with her and let her know that I miss her and I love her and that it was never intended to hurt her, but her responses are so hateful that it is literally painful to read. I haven't seen my daughter for over 3 months . It was a whole reason I moved here . It is far in between that she actually text me back but she has blocked me several times and says that she wants nothing to do with me. When I get a hold of her dad to let him know what she is saying to me and it's not okay and he needs to step in I get no response. He does nothing to help the situation with our 13 year old daughter, but there's nothing I expect more from a narcissist. He has damaged our relationship over the years by everything that he has put me and my daughter through, so why would this be any different. Since then I was declining with my mental health and seeing my son got less and less and I got into a relationship that I never should have, that ended in being used, manipulated, lied to, and ultimately being taken advantage of. Throughout all of this, I lost my job because I wasn't showing up due to my depression and anxiety, and the work that I have been doing is very minimal and I donate plasma to cover gas and minor expenses. The roommate I had did not help financially even though it was promised, and now not only am I his portion in debt which is $2,500 if not more, all of my other bills have been neglected. I received a shut-off notice from xcel Energy, got an eviction notice, possible repo on my car, and emergency assistance through the county was a no-go. I know I made this mess and whatever happens is because of my own doing or lack of trying, and I'm not going to use my mental health as an excuse. With that all being said, the reason I am making this fundraiser is to hopefully get as much help from anybody who is willing to help so I do not lose my home, my car, and a place where my children. I applied and hopefully start work next week, and I'm getting back on my feet. I am checking out treatment facilities for my mental health and support groups so I have somewhere to go when I feel like I have nothing. I have a mountain to climb here, and although it's been exhausting and a trial of hell, I am back to being me and putting me and my kids first. I have to fight in court alone coming up against both my kids dad, and I'm terrified, but the best things in life are the hardest challenges in your path. I hope and there is many of you who can relate and know this isn't easy. Whatever you give is a blessing and I'm truly grateful for your kindness and generosity. If you would like to make a direct payment to vendors instead of donating here, please contact me for that info. Right now my debt for bills is xcel $492, rent $3160, internet $168, and car payment is $1330. I know it's insane and hard to look at, but if anything, I'm scrapping everything I have and putting it towards these bills myself as well.

Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this and for your support any way it's given.