Help Honor Sadie's Memory and Support Her Owner

For Sadie, aka Sissy, my angel girl.

Introduction:

If you know me well, you know that I never ask for help. However, a forced large move across the country to a city I really didn’t want to go back to and losing my beloved Sadie has forced my hand and spirit to reach out for help. I’m at my lowest in life in many ways. I'm in emotional anguish and feel like a failure. I have always risen to the challenges of life, struggling in silence and clinging to hope and hard work; but after a rough and emotional night at the ER vet and Sadie’s sudden subsequent passing; I am broken.

This fundraiser is to help give me a stop gap as the cost of the move/move-in ($4200) and Sadie's ER visit and cremation costs ($1400) has drained my emergency savings. I'm looking for $1400 as it pays for the costs associated with Sadie's loss and I want to honor her with this fundraiser; the amount is also my monthly rent and average monthly utility bill. I want nothing more and I don't expect to reach the goal, but any little bit helps as I grieve and look for supplemental work. Please only give if you are able to and are compelled to; I have no expectations. Furthermore, I am offering my professional exterior cleaning services (pressure washing/soft washing) to locals in exchange for donations; and my professional copyediting/copywriting to locals and those who are remote, to anyone interested. If anyone has any questions about my loss or financial situation, please feel free to reach out to me and ask me anything. I also have receipts to authenticate all of the costs discussed above.

I love and miss you so much Sadie Lady, you'll always be my angel girl.

Background of My Recent Situation and Loss:

After some promised living situations fell through in Iowa, I was forced by circumstance to move back to Jacksonville, FL. Moving to Iowa was meant to be a fresh start for me with my half brother for the next few to 5 years. He lived there and invited me to get a place. He had initiated the idea and plan, wanted this for over a year and assured me many times of what was promised. This was a chance for me to live with the dogs somewhere safe and affordable as Sadie was getting very high in age, a chance to get out of Jacksonville, and a chance to stay close and get even closer with my brother (one of my few living relatives). The short of it: some people say one thing and do another. I don’t want to slight anyone or talk badly about anyone; but, it is what it is. Unfortunately, after 11 months I had to move back to Jacksonville, FL This was devastating to me in several ways. It made me feel like a failure. It made me feel like I was stuck and going backwards all at once. Moving is stressful; moving back somewhere you don’t want to go, 1200 miles away, with 3 dogs (one who’s 18 and can’t walk), and alone, is another level. What made it worse though, is that I know the long drives were a bit hard on Sadie in her very advanced age; and it made me worried about her the whole trip; constantly checking her breathing room and comfort levels as I drove.

I got zero help in my move and the indifference from my brother was palpable. This didn’t stop me from doing my best, being there for my dogs, and draining my savings to move back. I meticulously researched homes for rent to get something very affordable, modest, safe, and comfortable for my dogs. It was long, difficult and expensive to find a place but I found a good deal in today’s market. It still cost me $4000 with move-in costs (first, last and deposit) and the move (that’s with me using my own truck and a U haul trailer). While this financially hurt me, I was still positive and relieved I would have a decent place to live with my dogs and a good place for Sadie to spend her last months. The trip back was hard but went well, I did the typical 12 hour days on the road and late night cheap motel bookings to sneak my 3 dogs in; with Sadie needing to be carried. I stopped every few hours to give Sadie water and walk the other two (Kipper and Peach).

After being back to Jacksonville for about a week, on the morning of the 7th, I noticed Sadie didn’t eat. Out of the 17-18 years I have known her, she has always enthusiastically eaten her food; especially when I make her cooked and raw whole foods. So when she wasn’t interested I knew something was wrong. She would gingerly drink water but not in her normally zealous way. I watched her all day and she seemed stable but off. I tried to feed her again at dinner and when she wouldn’t eat I knew I needed to take action so I had to take her to an ER vet. She was given IV fluids and had her blood tested. She was having an acute kidney failure that was being caused by an infection. She had just gotten a cycle of amoxicillin (antibiotic for a UTI) which normally does the trick but didn’t seem to this time around. They got her hydrated, gave me some more amoxicillin, IV fluids and needles, they taught me how to do give her the IV fluids so I could get her hydrated until she would drink again (if she would drink again). I took my $700 bill, scooped her tired body in my arms and put her in the truck. The 30 minute drive home was sad, somber, yet hopeful. She seemed comfortable and I was told by the vet that she was indeed comfortable now that she was hydrated. I reached into the backseat and held her paw gently on the way home in the middle of the night. I got home, lifted her out of the truck, and I laid her down in her bed. She looked stunned and exhausted. I stroked her gently until she rested and kissed her cheek. I laid down on the couch next to her at 3:30 AM; exhausted, worried, but determined to continue give her the best care possible. When I awoke at 9 am I went to get ready to give her her IV fluids. She looked as she normally does when she sleeps: peaceful, but something was off. Her color was ever so slightly drained and her eyes weren’t fully closed. For a full 3 to 4 minutes, I stood there looking at her and begging the universe, God, anyone to not let what I was seeing be a reality. I truly couldn’t handle what my senses took in. She had passed no more than an hour before I woke. I felt a rush of guilt, despair, and anguish rush over me. I was emotionally bottlenecked and paralyzed; in extreme denial.

Snapping to, I looked closer and saw her tongue hanging out to the floor. I wailed in despair, and played “Let the Good Times Roll” by The Cars on the TV as I balled my eyes out and crawled into the bed with her. You see, I played that song because it was my dad's favorite song growing up and we would always burst with excitement when it came on the radio; my dad was my best friend. I played that song when I saw my dad take his last breath in hospice and crawled into his bed and balled my eyes out. My dad and I found Sadie together in 2006/07. I got her a bit after he passed. So when she went over the rainbow bridge, I did the same for her. After this profoundly sad and sweet moment, it was time to think about how to handle her body. This was the last thing I wanted to think about. Since my dad and his other dog Madison were cremated and I have them with me wherever I go, I could only do the same for her. I put her in the truck for the last time, one last trip after so many in that truck, the last of so many in her lifetime; every one of my breaths filled with the broken pieces of my heart. I started the truck, and gently held her paw as I sobbed uncontrollably. It didn’t take long to get to the pet crematorium where I was greeted by a gentleman who helped me load her up to a blanketed cart. He was gentle and patient and could see my pain. After picking out a simple wooden urn with beautiful branches carved on the top and talking about my loss I received my bill of $600ish for everything. I really couldn’t afford this, but there was no way in the whole wide universe I wasn’t going to get it done. I spent what was the last of my savings and next month's bill payments and paid for the service. I don’t spend money on things me or my dogs don’t need, but I needed this. I couldn’t really think about money at the time, I lost someone that I loved more than myself, more than life itself and she was one of the few living connections to my late father and best friend.

I was given all the time I needed to say my goodbyes at the crematorium. Sadie was under a nice blanket, she looked peaceful, eternally in a slumber; like the angel she is. I knew this was the last time I would lay eyes on her in this world, the last time I would touch her. I would have started crying if it weren’t for the fact that at this point I never stopped to begin with. I stroked her, kissed her, told her she is my angel and that I will always love her and carry her with me; that caring for her, especially in her final years, made me a kinder, sweeter, more patient, and overall better man. I didn’t want to leave her, I really didn’t, but I knew I had to go and it was tied with the hardest thing I ever had to do. I went home, and realized that even with my other two fur babies, I felt empty, incomplete; the house seemed like the oxygen got sucked out and I felt alone for the first time in a long time. Loving someone as much as I love Sadie means I gave her a piece of what makes me, me; a piece of my soul. It wasn’t entirely mine anymore: she took it with her when she left and it was hers to keep. 2 weeks later, I’m still broken and a part of me always will be. Sadie was with me for a long time and the bond and love between us was one of a lifetime; I cared for her like a baby in her last year spending all of my free time and ability to leave the house and I wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

So between the move and the loss of Sadie I am mentally, spiritually, and financially destitute. I have had a surprisingly large amount of moral support from friends and family and it’s been one of the very few bright spots and things in my life that keep me going. However, financially, I need help. I have very little immediate family and they are on a fixed income so they are unable to help in that way. Work is slow right now due to the economy but I am actively looking for extra work despite being a wreck right now. I feel ashamed for asking for money but I wouldn’t be unless I was desperate for a stop gap.

Goal:

I’m making the goal $1400; Sadie’s ER bill and cremation was $1400 and this fundraiser is to honor her as much as it is to help me. If I somehow get more than that, the rest will go to getting grief counseling; I've never had it before but feel like I could use a little professional help were I able to afford it. Please only give what you can if you can, and if you feel compelled to. If you’re local in Jacksonville, FL, I’m a professional exterior cleaner (pressure washing/softwashing) and would be more than happy to offer my pressure washing services for a donation. If you’re not local, I’m qualified through education and experience to do copywriting and editing of all types and would be more than happy to exchange those services for a donation. Thank you for your consideration and condolences.

Dedicated to the 3 I lost and love so very much. I miss you till it hurts.