January 10, 2019
In quite a bind this month and next. If you can help, thank you! With anything.
HUD came to do their inspection of the apartment today, so I figured it would pass. I mean, the apartment is just fine. Nope! They wanted the bedroom door to have a little glue on it so that there wasn't the tiny slit of space between the door front of the door and the side. And one thing added to the water heater. I thought, "okay, no prob. The manager and I get along great and same with the maintenance guy. He came over right away and was like, "yup, I can that stuff done."" PROBLEM: HUD said they will not come out to re-inspect until the 31st which means my rent will not go down to the $100 or so per month and stay at the $364 for February! Because they won't come over to just okay it and be on our way.
So, I'm up a creek. I'm asking if anyone is able to help, please do. The Lord provides through you all enough for me to get along except for 1 bill, my medication, and some supplements usually, but February is going to be worse. Well, there's no donations for January, either yet, but I know those who help me usually help at the 2nd to 4th weeks of the month. Thank you for helping as you do, friends. My gratitude can't be expressed enough.
I'm asking for extra such as down to even toilet paper (I don't know if any of you have had to ask for such simple things in life such as toilet paper, but that's how it is :/ ).
My church usually helps, but Pastor went on vacation again and I got a message saying they can't help me until he gets back mid-month. We spoke on Dec. 24th when he stopped by about him contacting my former two pastors in the same Circuit asking for help because he told Br. Boltoph when he was out here to move me Dec. 17-20 that he (Pastor) understands my dilemma now, and is going to do what he can to support me, but that kind of went to the wayside. He told Br. Boltoph he was going to make a circuit wide appeal for me (Br. Boltoph had written a letter to Pastor saying he would like to come alongside my home church, my church family in prayer and whatever he can do to support Pastor in getting help for me, but seems that went nowhere). I'm so frustrated and hurt. And all of my close friends know this. They've even called me as I'm crying, wanting a church family so badly. I live 3 minutes from the church, yet only one person visits me. Thank God for her! She's been one the biggest blessings in my life. Other than that, I just don't even know what to say about them knowing I need physical help, financial help, etc... I'll stop there because it will just seem like I'm complaining. My hope is that they start helping me so I'm not fearing, "what am I going to do about this apartment? My bills? How am I going to get dish soap, toilet paper, and laundry soap? How am I going to pay for laundry now that I have to pay for it instead of my washer and dryer at the trailer? How will I get light bulbs?" Things people figure anyone can just stop at the store to get.
Well, thanks for reading this. I'm very, very, very happy about this apartment. It is perfect for me. There's LIGHT in it and not the darkness with very little light in the trailer. I don't have to worry about broken pipes and a leaking roof. It's neat and clean. And quite. I'm more than content. The Lord has been so good to give this to me. Now if we can just get HUD to finalize the paperwork.
Below are pictures of the apartment after 2 weeks of living here. My caregiver has been working so many hours to make this place livable and comfortable. I thank God for her.
God bless you all.
MY THRONE! Where I sit to study. I'm currently reading a few books, including church history from Eusebius.
December 23, 2018
(Pictures: the Blessed Virgin and her Child - a gift from Nathanael for Christmas, my new home altar at my apartment that Br. Boltoph put together for me on 12/20/18 before he flew back home (enter sad face that I can't see him until June next year!))
Hi, friends. I hope you all had a wonderful 2018. We are turning the corner to 2019, which seems impossible! Well, since in my head I still live in the 80s.
Soooooooo much has happened since my last update in Nov. 9th.
I moved. My wonderful friend, Br. Boltoph, the crazy, old, cranky Anglo-Catholic monk, flew out to help me move. I had very little help and was collapsing from all the work I had to do to pack my things. My new caregiver was a great blessing in doing most of the prep work before Br. Boltoph flew here to do the actual move for me. But, it was kind of like pulling teeth to get anyone to help. One friend from my church (the only friend I have and the only visitor I've ever had) moved boxes and she and her husband did a big move for quite a bit of the furniture one day. Praise be to God for faithful brothers and sisters who hear the cries of their sister, see the need, and do whatever they can to fill it!
I'm near my church. I moved from 13 minutes from my church to 3 minutes from there. If I could walk I could walk there! That's how close. Have been here since Dec. 19th. I hope now I'll get some visitors and some help.
God was gracious to give me a two-bedroom apartment that is perfect my situation. It's quiet (so far!). I am now only 25 minutes from one of the bigger towns. There is no grocery store here or anything like that, so it will be a 13 minute drive for my caregiver to get groceries for me. Or, if we need something that Warsaw doesn't offer the 25 minute ride to the other town isn't too bad, but her gas is not paid for by the State, so I have to come up with a few dollars each time she goes there. That will be problematic.
As always, I'm in need. I'll just put out there what I am needing:
The transition from the trailer to my new apartment does not bring the bills down until February or March. Which means I still need a few hundred dollars per month.
Today through 12/31/18 I'm only needing $91.80 and about $15 for gas money and two medications.
1/1/19 to end of January it will be my regular needs. If you don't know what those are, the Galatians 6:10 group on Facebook (if you are a friend on fb) has them or you can message me, Laura Wiese, Scott Holder, or Br. Boltoph on messenger.
"Two things have I required of thee; deny me them not before I die: Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me: Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the Lord? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain." - Prov. 30.7-9 (This is a prayer for me every day.)
God bless you all! Merry Christmas! May you know the peace of our Lord during this time and through the New Year.
November 9, 2018
Hi, friends. It's been almost 3 months since I've written anything here. Have some news about me moving.
*** Moving by February 14th. I was finally approved for housing which will allow me to have a one-bedroom apartment. My last meeting with them is November 14th and they give me 3 months to find a place to live. They have no room for my wheelchair (why is a program like HUD not handicap accessible?!). So, I've had to wait a long time because they have to come to my home where I am now. Pray I'll be able to find a place as most of the apartments have stairs and I can't climb stairs.
*** Financially, life sucks. I kind of laugh at that statement since it is always that way. There are three people who always help me and so I don't have to worry about a couple of my bills but I'm still worried every month about what to do. I've been with my church for a year now and everyone there knows my situation. I'm still told not to count on them each month so I'm not sure there will be help for me. I'm quite frustrated about that. A very good friend flew here to see what's going on and spent a week. He got a chance to speak with my pastor as he was picked up at the airport by him. And he attended my church the Sunday he was here. He said everyone knew about me and even asked about me, though I still have not seen any of them or heard from them except one and we have become good friends. Other than that shut-ins are not visited. It's the same through the entire circuit, though. One LCMS church is five minutes from me. The Circuit Visitor and District President are very well aware of my situation. Just so very frustrating. I'm doing everything I can to make it, though.
*** My health has been kinda weird. I've been okay for several weeks except some terrible inflammation. Holy cow! I am even on anti-inflammatory medication yet I blow up like that blueberry kid in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It's from the inability to digest foods well. A friend bought some digestive enzymes which are helpful. Unfortunately, the pharmaceutical companies have not made these available. Pancreatic enzymes? Yes, but not diamine oxidase. If I eat small portions of food or very fresh food such as salads with a lot of veggies, I do better.
*** My needs for the month are a couple bills that need to be paid and I have about 7 days left of my iron supplement. If anyone is able to help with these things, I'd appreciate it. One church was very interested in helping recently and did. They are quite concerned about how I will be month to month, though, and asked about my own church (btw, I did not contact this church - they contacted me to see how they can help me). I had no answers for them except to say that I pray and hope God provides through my own church family and anyone who will come alongside me.
Thank you for your continued prayers. I'd ask for prayers about my son, too. He lives a few states over so I can't see him, but he's recently contacted me and, well, he just needs prayer.
God bless you all. Much love,
August 15, 2018
* My needs, for the most part are taken care of except a bit. One person helps me monthly with $150 around the 20th and then my only need is $87 for the rest of August. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you!
* Saw doctor the other day. Only new dx is Dishydriotic Eczema. About two months ago I got a bubble-like blister between my thumb and index finger.No I lanced it and it went down some but it took weeks to become not too noticeable. It had been itching so badly that it was waking me up. Horrible! Doc prescribed an anti-itch cream and I started it yesterday. Now that I think back I think she is right about this because I have had little bumps on my right hand over the months but nothing like this thing! I'm not saying it's a monster, and nobody would have noticed had I not pointed it out, but it just isn't going away. I'm also needing a surgery but won't schedule that until Nov. or Dec. because I have a couple friends coming to visit and surgeries take so much out of me with the adrenal problems. A couple anesthesiologists have denied me as well as two surgeons because they don't know if I will make it through a surgery, but we'll see. I have one surgeon who was like, "no big deal." LOL... they know I have DNR papers, but say they are not in place on the table. Well, I can get around that legally. I'd never hold a doctor responsible for my death - I'd go be with Jesus!!! (Preferable.)
* It was my 23rd* birthday on Aug. 9th and I was delighted to have so many birthday messages, love from people all around the country. The yellow roses above are from Laura Wiese, who started this GoFundMe page last year. I announce that I want only one thing for my birthday (well, anytime LOL cuz I love flowers) and that is yellow flowers. I feel loved when I receive flowers, which is not often... maybe once a year, so when these came in the mail I cried because I didn't think anyone would remember. She did! They are beautiful. Thank you, again, Queen Laura. My caregiver bought some incense for me and we put 23 candles on 4 cupcakes so I could blow them out on video. I "made a wish" and laughed. Hahaha! I have a particular wish that I'd love for God to fulfill, but I'm not some mystic. I trust what God will do in my life, not funny wishes. My good friend from church made a two-tiered cake and brought that sweet baby over with some slippers and taper candles. I. LOVE. CANDLES. And I burn them several times a week. My last, but best birthday gift is one of my best friends in the whole world, Br. Boltoph, coming to visit me for 7 days in early November. Seven days of kicking his butt in cribbage. Seven days of talking theology--him teaching me. Seven days of cooking together and enjoying some whiskey and a lot of laughter. I can't wait!!! It will be the best birthday gift in all of my *47 years (oops, so, yeah, I'm not 23. Sorry for the lie earlier.)
* Dane is visiting at the end of August. We have been talking about this for nearly a year. It's finally happening! Such a great friend. I'm getting things together for his visit such as Cream of Wheat haha! I asked him to tell me things he likes to eat: no corn and no pork chops. Oh, and no sausage patties. Has to be links. I got this. I got this! LOL... will be nice to see my friend.
* MY SON WILL BE 30 NEXT MONTH. Life is weird. I just gave birth to him, I feel. I remember caressing his baby face as a newborn. And taking him to his soccer practices, Cub Scouts, karate lessons. Oh, the days go by too fast. My youngest is 21. I miss them both terribly. Both live in Cali where I am from.
* My church is putting a blurb I typed up for the August newsletter that will be mailed to everyone about my need for financial help. It's been almost a year that I've asked for help. Well, about 8 months or so. Please pray that my church will, indeed, help me. They have given to me here and there, but I don't have anything ever set in stone for help. My Circuit Visitor and District President have known since November, 2017, but have opted not to help or look for help for me. They know from a letter I sent to them and a phone conversation I had with the CV with a friend on the phone, too. It hurts to know I'm so very little cared about and that I have to be so deep in debt because needs aren't being met. I don't know if something will be done, but I do believe it's about time that I stand up again even if I get knocked over and state that this is unbiblical to leave a child of God who falls under the "help the orphans and widows" situation as set forth in God's Word to fend for herself while ill and can't get help anywhere else. Pray that I'm discerning as I'm talking with several men who will come alongside me as they did in November when they wrote on my behalf to the Circuit Visitor. Thank you.
Thank you, all, for always allowing me to share my life here, getting to know some of you. Honestly, that's the best; getting to know you guys - I love my friends so much. And for letting me talk about my joys and my sorrows.
"Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37.4
June 9, 2018
First off, I have no idea why my pictures are ginormous. Sorry if I scared anyone haha! Well, I have a lot of news since I posted in April:
* I'm a member at new church. One of the best gifts God has given of late. My pastor is wonderful and sits with me, gives me the Supper, singing hymns, going through the entire liturgy together, and TEACHING me. I asked him to please teach me things like the basics that I don't know. He's very happy to do so. We are a great fit. And the church is helping me financially. They are trying to get used to knowing how to help people, so I am their first to "try it out." LOL... they paid for my electric bill last month. From what I'm told my situation falls under that taking care of widows situation. As pastor says, "you don't fit into the programs" meaning Caeser's programs. It's my family (read: the Church / Christians) who need to take care of me. All I can say is "thank You, Lord."
* My nail polish, Empress Techne, is starting up on Facebook and soon on Etsy. I'm happy about it because it's a joy to do (though it is very difficult on me physically). I love making the colours and making special polishes for people who ask for particular colours just for them. It takes me days and days to just make one polish, bottle it up, label it, take pictures, etc. If I were able bodied, I'd be able to have hundreds of colours for ladies to choose from, but as of this writing, I have nineteen. Here's the link to my page. Like it and share, please :)
* My needs for the month. I have $305 still left to meet for the month of June. That includes part of my rent that I didn't get help for this month. My dad usually sends $40 to pay that, but he's not really talked to me much lately. It's a long, difficult, and painful story. Also within the $305 is electric bill, medicine, a supplement I'm running out of, household items, etc. I'm selling off a bunch of my things next week so I'm hopefully going to make about $60. Other than that, need help, please.
* My book. "Daughter and Heir: Lost in Sin, Found in Christ" is coming along fine. I have a new editor who is actually my old editor. She is wonderful. We were meant to be a writer / editor team. I'm currently writing chapter ten and have about six more to go after that, but have a little research to be done to fact check some things. It's taking a long time because, to be honest, I'm so tired of writing. I get those spurts, though. Like, "I have to write. NOW!" But, since the book has taken on the second half (which is about when I had heard the gospel in my early 20s), I feel a little lost in the stories right now. I wouldn't mind prayer about this. Thank you.
* My friends and a new one. To say I've been blessed to meet such lovely people on the internet and have established great relationships is an understatement. You know how people say, "Oh, I have this best friend..."? I have four. No joke. The Lord has given me four. All of them I can be who I am fully with; no masks, no hiding things about myself to be accepted. Nothing. We laugh, go through hard times, talk about anything and everything. Dane, Nathanael, Scott Holder, and Metz. We talk so much theology, I wish we had a way to get together and kick back with some whiskey or beer and hash out everything for hours! And then there's another who has come along. I'm absolutely intrigued by this person. He's taught me so much in such a short amount of time. And I think on the things we discuss. God has changed me in ways I didn't think about before due to our conversations. So, yeah, my financial needs aren't always met, and I only have $1.38 right now for my food budget for the next five days, but He gives and gives and gives me deep friendships. Men loyal to the Scriptures and we dig into each others lives.
* Might have to make decision I don't like. There have been some bad things that have happened over the past few months that I believe I need to address. I'm not scared to do it, but I am exhausted. And it won't be easy to do. I've received counsel about it and it seems this has landed in my lap for a reason. I'm tired of some lies that are being told about me. If they would just stop I wouldn't say anything, but it continues. It makes me sick to my stomach the things that have been said behind my back. Fortunately, they trusted the wrong people and those people came to me with proof. It's just a terrible thing that there is a lack of repentance. So, please pray that I would follow how God wants me to deal with this.
Okay, that's all, folks. If you've read this far, thank you... and I award you 100 EmpressPoints™ Also, if you wouldn't mind sharing the GoFundMe page on your Facebook walls and / or Twitter, I'd sure appreciate it. You can't imagine the things that have happened from sharing. God used two people in REALLY interesting ways.
The God who looked upon Hagar is the God who looks upon me every minute of every day:
April 17, 2018
The picture of me above is after 18 days of being unable to care for myself to the point of inability to get water for at times when my Caregiver was off duty. I was sick in the bed day in and day out. It got so bad that I began finishing writing up my "goodbye" letters that I have on file with my Caregiver and Laura. I contacted my pastor, who brings the Supper to me about monthly and he texted me for a few days to be sure I'm okay. He knows I am fine emotionally and spiritually, and when by my bedside recently he added that I can be assured that if I died that night (after he left) that I would be received by Jesus Christ. He constantly gives me the Gospel for which I am so grateful! He took me to the doctor last week and has become such a blessing in my life.
Financially, I am still in the same position. People are still helping me here on GoFundMe and I'm so thankful! Laura sends out thank you notes to everyone. I'm still in need for April and posted it in the Caring for Tamara group.
I've had a particularly difficult time this morning as I've had to put some of my jewelry up for auction. And sold some other items. I am selling off little things, but when it came to my jewelry, I did break down and shed a few tears. I don't have much in nice things in life, but I do have my jewelry. I know these things do not matter really. They are just objects, but some have meaning for me, at least. And knowing I can't pay for my medication this month until another donation comes in is also hard. I have about $20 worth of medication for the rest of April down at Walmart that is coming up. I just shake my head because of my work history and serving the Church - I worked at least 40 hours a week, raised my son on my own for years, served the Church and the homeless on the streets with my own income, and here I am having to beg for $20 for medicine. God will restore all things One Day, though. I firmly believe that. Maybe not this side of His Tapestry, but He will, and my tears will be wiped away. He is the Great Restorer.
My pastor is notifying people in our church of my needs. Please pray that people will help me.
Part of what I wrote in the Caring for Tamara group is about three times I thought I wasn't going to make it through the night. "I told her [my doctor] there were three times this past month... Well, in March that I felt like life was draining out of me completely and that I didn't think I was going to make it through the night. She didn't even freak out about that. I told her that I contacted a very good pastor friend who suffers greatly and discussed that feeling about whether he has ever felt like that. I told him that I don't know any other way to describe it other than it feels like life is draining out of you. He says that's exactly how he describes it, too. And his instances he was near death at the hospital." I was at peace during those times, friends. But, I do believe I was that close to death this past month. I checked my blood pressure here in bed and it was dangerously low. Though the physical part is terrible to suffer with, I will be glad for that day I depart and go be with the Lord - I would rather be absent from the body and home with the Lord, but He does not yet desire that and prefers me to stay here for however long He chooses. (See 2 Corinthians 5.6-9 )
I have really good news, too: a lady from my church came by to say "Happy Easter" a couple days or so before Easter. I spent about ten minutes with her and her children as I couldn't sit up much longer than that. My Easter was brightened just by the fact I got VISITORS! Since then we have been in touch via text nearly every day and then she has come by to drop off a few things here and there - one day bringing me some bread I needed. I told her I had no money for food (because she had offered to go to the store for me). She paid for it! *tears come to my eyes right now as I type that* Another time she brought homemade biscuits, tea, strawberries, a piece of cheese (hahaha!! It was quite funny this little piece of cheese - I LOVED it, though! We laughed about the little things we do like that for others - it may not mean much to others, but to me it's fantastic!).
A friend from Facebook sent some mascara to me. That's why the picture above - I was able to do my makeup finally and put on her mascara. Since then I've been unable to sit up to do my makeup :( This saddens me because my abilities are just going... going... going...
I'm trying to bear this cross best I can with Christ. But, I struggle. Unable to pay my electric bill this month, unable to make my own dinners, unable to visit with the precious lady from church much... sometimes it's hard to "put on a happy face" and be joyous being in a bed 20 to 22 hours out of every day. Alone. I am finding my joy is resting more and more in God and talking with Him in a way that is much deeper as I cry out to Him. No matter what, I believe He is in charge of my entire life.
I'm reminded of a friend who was dying about eight years ago. He was young, in his forties. His dear wife was walking down the hallway of the hospital to go see him as his eyes were turning yellow from jaundice as his liver was failing - they were about to say their "goodbyes" when an unbelieving relative of hers stopped her in the hallway and said something like, "so, where is your God now?" She snapped her neck around and repeated what St. Peter said, "to whom shall we go? Jesus has the words of eternal life." (See John 6.66-68 )
What a wonderful response in the midst of losing her husband.
This is exactly my answer, too. People say I am a very strong woman. They are wrong. I am a very weak woman. In every way you can think of. My faith (read: confidence) is in the Lord. Any strength you all see is Christ in me, not me. I am bold, yes. But, I am nothing without Christ. The only reason I can be bold is due to His constant love and and strengthening of my faith.
God bless you all. Thank you for any help. Thank you for prayers. And, thank you for sharing this if you do. I am in great need still.
February 20, 2018
Two possible cancers.
My manuscript picked up by an Editor and Publisher.
Went to new doctor yesterday. I AM SO PLEASED! You all know I've had a heck of a time finding good medical care. Well! I went in not expecting good medical care, but this time I wasn't too nervous because I know to expect little help here where I live. Doctors don't listen to me and just brush off my concerns and my thoughts about what could be my problem, which is the probability of Carcinoid Cancer (Neuroendocrine Tumor). I've studied it for about four years, spoken with one of the top doctors here in the U.S., patients with it, techs, nurses who now have it, etc. But, doctors don't want to listen to me because they are unedcuated about it. It's a very rare cancer and not detectible by most scans and labs. Steve Jobs died of it.
Not only did she LISTEN to me about my working hypothesis and studies, but her BOYFRIEND has it! Only 8 small lenil sized tumors was killing him. They found 2 in his liver and 6 in his stomach. One third of his liver had to be removed and tore up his belly and removed much of his intestines. The doctor is very, very well versed in this cancer, so I didn't have to teach her a darn thing! Amazing, huh? We are looking into an Octreoscan or Gallium 68 (I specifically asked for those last year, but they only have them in Kansas City and St. Louis, and I have no one to take me, so I just shrugged it off and figure if I die, I die. What can you do when you don't have a church who helps you, no family, and no friends near by?).
And, the marshmallow sized cystic nodule in my thyroid found last year was supposed to be removed because the ENT believes there's a 10% chance of it being cancer. My liver is enlarged at 20.7cm (normal livers are 15cm). My caregiver had the same exact cystic nodule i n her thyroid - the ENT gaver her and I the option of having them removed since there's a 10% chance, but said, "it's probably not cancer, so just leave it if you like." She had hers removed. It was cancer. I have not had mine removed because I lost medical care. Now is the time to have it removed this new doctor said. So, we are looking at two types of cancers. Her words were... wouldn't it be nice to find out if this is cancer, fix you up, and maybe you will be less sick and more mobile? (I'm about 80% bedridden and very litle strength, nauseous all the time, hard to digest food, cysts throughout my body, chronic pain throughout my body, my bones are starting to hurt so bad, I can barely take it, constant inflammation throughout my body - unbearable). I said, "YES!" lol
Anyway, so please pray about all that for me.
As far as my finanial needs - yep, still have them and no income. I've asked the Circuit Visitor several months ago if ther's anything they can help me with. No response. The letter went to the District President. Nothing. Finally, a local pastor came by to bring the Supper to me, go through Confession and Absolution, etc. And, so I'm super pleased. He's been out to visit once in December, once in January, and once in February. I'm asking for transfer of membership (well, started asking in December). No elder meeting to do it yet, though. So, please pray that I can have this pastor as my pastor. He's a wonderful man of God. I've spoken with a couple of people (a pre-sem friend and another trusted friend) who say that I can ask for help so I am not living on the verge of homelessness every month. I would also like some visitors and when I'm in the hospital or need help that maybe someone within the Church can take me. I mean, if I'm battling cancer, I would think a Christian would come along to help a sister. It's been frustrating to me that I've had to say no to treatment because I can't get rides and all.
If anyone wants to help donate this month, I'd be super appreciative. My rent is paid for March 1, but I have an overdue bill, and my elctric bill is not paid for February.
Thank you all for your months and even years of praying for a good doctor and medical care for me! I've been less strong lately. Yesterday was my first "day out" (doctor) since my last appointment almost 2 months ago - just not well enough to get out to do anything in life. It's been quite depressing.
So, this has been GREAT news mixed with "what if" news. I'm settled in my heart about all of it. And grateful to God for peace instead of feeling frantic. :)
"The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?" - Psalm 27.1 (Or, "what" shall I fear? Nothing. No one.)
Lastly, GREAT NEWS: An Editor picked up my manuscript of my memoir. She is editing it and gave a portion of the Preface to a Publisher. He wants to work on the project. I'm elated, to say the least. The Preface is ready to go. I have 8 chapters written and given to the Editor. Have about 7 more chapters to write. I have 240 pages typed out. Wow, probably have to cut out much haha! Anyway, God is good - I've wanted to have books published for a long time. Working on a second book about abortion, too. Pray that I stick with the writing as I tend to procratinate. I need to keep in mind at all times that this is a gift for the Church and those who are still lost and needing answers to, "what happens when I die?" and "but, I'm not a really good person. Is there really a God who cares?" The book is called, "Daugher and Heir: Lost in Sin, Found in Christ.
Love you all.
January 14, 2018
* My step-dad. I added a couple pictures. One of my step-dad and I when I was in my early 20s. I just spoke him for the first time in many, many years. It was nice. He's been dealing with cancer and now mild dementia :( I will probably never see him again as I can't get out there because I can't fly - just not able to sit up in an airplane seat nor be out and about as I'm too sick. Pray for him and my mom, please.
* My needs for January: We're in the middle of Jan (wow, 2018 - crazy, huh?!) now and my needs are:
..... electric bill
..... propane (I have a $99 credit on the account, but it will take another $150 to cover it. I'm down to about 10% propane - I am filling out for emergency help, but no guarantee).
.... a couple supplements from that can be bought directly from Amazon.
.... and another bill that is about $40.
..... a dead bolt for my front door because when I'm too ill to get to the door for my caregiver to come in, I have no lock except inside lock and she can't get in in case of emergency. I have someone who can install it. I just nee the money for her to go get one.
Other than that, I'm pretty good for January. They are almost positive that the emergency help for my propane will be covered with at least $75, so I just need to come up with another $75 and that should take care of the rest of winter.
Thank you to those who gave to me when the water pipe broke about 8 or 10 days ago. Wow! Being out of water AND not having money to fix it was very problematic. So, you all came up with almost enough money to fix that and have someone put insulation in! I'm good now.
God bless you all. I leave you with this wonderful video by Pr. Bryan Wolfmueller. It really hit me when I became a Lutheran how much I was confused prior to begoming. Love to you all:
December 23, 2017 Update (this is my Christmas picture called, "Have you been naughty or nice?" ;) ) Well, which one?
Today was the first day I felt well enough in at least 10 days where I could sit up long enough to do some makeup. Not well enough to do my hair, so I threw on this hat I created a couple years ago from alpaca! Oh, how I miss crocheting.
I'll do a little update below, but I'd like to first wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I pray that you all enjoy Christ's benefits of His coming to us to bring salvation, His peace, love, and reconcilation back to the Father. May you all know His love! And, may God bless you with all He has in store for you this coming year: be it continued good health, closeness with family and friends, that you flourish in your vocations. No matter, all glory be to Him, for He is the giver of good gifts, is He not? Those gifts have been given to me, too:
I have been blessed with many friendships this year. Some have become so close and dear to me. I mean I've had friends all my life, but for some reason, God has been pouring out His goodness upon me with a group of friends who I can talk to every day about everything in my life. I'm astounded and grateful.
I've also been blessed with receiving the Supper a couple days ago at my bedside. Can't express how much this means to me. I broke down and cried when I heard my sins were forgiven and received the body and blood of my Lord. To have a pastor hold my hand a bit and hear some confession (though we will do proper confession and absolution later) and then pray for me about some areas I need to be more self-disciplined in to help with my health (going to sleep at a better time, spending my time resting instead of up and doing things so that there are less adrenal crises, etc.). God came to me through this pastor. Best Christams gift this year! Speaking of Christmas gifts, I received two! One from Metz (a book ... enter 15,000 hearts) and 2 things from Nathanael, but I've yet to open them because I'd like something to open on Christmas day. Kinda think they are books from Rome (enter eyeroll LOL)...
And, I'm grateful for the help you all have given me this year. I have enough to carry me through to the end of December, so I've not had to "worry" about whether I will have shelter, food, medicine, heat, etc. since mid-November. What. A. Relief. I *really* don't want to get to the point of homelessness. And it's pretty scary all the time. So, I have about a week to go on what you all have blessed me with. "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4.19 Something the pastsor who came over reminded me of during this Christmas when I'm totally alone and start to get down about it, is to meditate on: "Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit." - Psalm 51.12. It is really good for me to do so.
Now a little health update: It's been difficult. I'm almost completely bedridden. I keep going through adrenal crises and having to increase my cortisol to even turn over some days. Some of it has to do with the withdrawl of the medication that the doctor has me on (which should not be happening), and some of it is due to me getting up out of the bed to do things like cook and clean, make things pretty in the house, maybe do some art, and such things. Also, some of it has to do with food choices. I know not to eat thigns like potatoes, dairy, asparagus, chocolate, breads, and such, as some of these foods harm me with my hypoglycemia, and how the GABA and glutamate levels do not balance well with me. I eat them anyway! And that's not taking care of myself. So, pray that I would have more self-dicipline about nutrition, sleep by 10:30pm, and REST, REST, REST!
Thank you for all your kindness this year to me. May God bless you for your love toward your sister in Christ!
December 13, 2017 Update (this from me, Tam and my new kitty, Missy):
Thank you to all who have prayed for me and helped me financially. Also, for those who have called me, sent cards, little gifts, and have worked with me to have a pastor come out to visit with me. It's not happened yet, but it's in the works. The men who have helped me write letters, allow me to cry with them, talk things out, get spiritual counsel from, and being there for me emotionally, I THANK YOU! And a big thank you to Laura Wiese for being there, too, listening to me, really hearing me, whether I am angry, frustrated, hurt, crying, laughing, sharing joy, whatever. She is always there for me. And she maintains the GoFundMe page with her very busy and full life! Prasie be to God for these lovely friends. Scott Holder (one of my dearest friends and who I want to fly out to see in California so badly), William Metz (my Okie, and have to say - but don't tell him - he's one of a kind - smart, kind, very sweet, but stubborn as hell!), Nathanael Fuller (one of the best men I've ever known - such a good husband and Christian), Tiberiu Preda (a wonderful man and dear, dear friend), Theo Justin (such a full life with family, yet takes the time about my spiritual and medical well being), Ann Smith (my funny bat lady who gives me chocolate and encouragement), Dane Breitung (the guy is beyond funny! He is going to make a GREAT pastor, especially with his ability to expel lightning from his fingertips ;) ). God has blessed me far more with these friendships and a few other than I deserve. It's more than I could ask for and blows me away every day.
My health: My caregiver is still with me 7 days a week, takes care of all my food, shopping, errands, cleaning the home, making sure I have my mediations... all "the stuff." Very grateful that the State has given me a Caregiver since 2014. I couldn't make it without her and her granddaughter. I have begun a new medication for the fibromyalgia. I've kept away from any fibromyalgia medication all these years, but because my skin is constantly inflamed and I have nerve pain so bad, I went for it the other night. Doctors have wanted me on it for a long, long time, but I've always said, "no." I prayed my little heart out that this was the right decision or that God would make is so that it would work. His will be done. First day I noticed a bit of a difference. My blouse wasn't hurting me. This is day 4 of being on the medication. So far so good. It's not a miracle working med, but it has taken some of the nerve pain away. Some. My back, however? Holy cow! This spine of mine is screaming for help. Because of the big pain medicine epidemic going on, they will not give pain medication to me. I have never in my life abused any type of medication and I've not been on pain medication except for things such as surgery or major dentistry things... other than that, I've stayed far away from pain killers. But, because this country is overprescribed the medication, it's people like me who fall through the cracks and they won't give me anything for pain. (Ain't that somethin') There is a pillow thingy that would help me being in bed all the time, but my insurance won't pay for it. It's $179, so if anyone would like to help, I'd appreciate it! Imagine being in bed 80% or more of your day, every day... you need support for your neck, back, etc. I don't have that. Let Laura know or me if anyone wnats to help with this for me. Thank you!
I will be spending Christmas alone and would appreciate prayer. It's quite lonely not having family or friends to call or visit. There will be no church, Christmas dinner, presents under the tree, or anything like that. So, yeah, I'm bummed, but I'm trying to be proactive in serving others as much as possible instead of thinking about myself. Come Dec. 24th and 25th, however, I can't say for sure that I won't be quite down. REALLY appreciate prayer about that.
Okay, thanks for taking 40 minutes to read my long update hah!
Love to you all,
November 14th, 2017 update on Tam.
She has had some ups and downs medically lately, but has been rather well since the last update. She did go through a severe adrenal crisis, though. That set her back for a little while. She chose not to go to the hospital even though her oxygen dropped very low for a while. Through the whole thing she stayed in touch with me and a couple of friends.
(NOTE for 12/13/17: THE FOLLOWING ABOUT HER HEAT has changed. She got the bill for it instead of it being paid by the agency, so prayer and help would be appreciated): As far as her needs are, the Lord met her heating need for the next two months. Thank God! She was getting very cold in the house with no heat. For the next 3 weeks her only financial need is $150 for her shelter, medical, and a bill she is unable to pay. If anyone is able to help, please know that no amount is too small! Anything would be helpful.
Also, she has some needs as far as some supplements that she uses from Amazon. If anyone is interested in helping with that, please let me know. She struggles with anemia and has to have iron pills that are particular for her needs as they are more absorbable than what the doctor is able to give. And a couple of other supplements that help with the pain in her spine and neck.
As far as the holidays coming up, please pray that even though she will be alone that the Lord will comfort her. The food pantry chose not to give out much food this month so there is no turkey or Thanksgiving foods. It's hard enough to be alone, but then not to be able to join in with others during the holidays makes it more difficult. She truly appreciates your prayers.
Thank you so much! Laura and Scott
October 4, 2017
Update from Tam:
gallbladder surgery went well; healing time was longer than usual because of the Addison's disease, but surgeon said to expect that. Post-op showed no cancer in the liver, but small bowel or pancreatic Carcinoid cancer still possibility. She can't get to St. Louis for further testing, but making appt. with surgeon to discuss. Two more upcoming surgeries- one for another cancer biopsy, another for OB/GYN removal of female stuff. Doctors tapering her from a benzodiazepine they put her on 24 years ago, so she's very sick and it's too fast for her body. See her videos on her 2nd YouTube channel called TamsTwoCents (Vid 5 was just the other day after 13 days of the doctor dropping her rapidly). Tam is unable to pay for her medication this coming week, has been charged from her bank because while recovering rom surgery, there wasn't enough to cover her phone bill, so now she's using her medication money to cover the $30 charge. During her recovery time, her Oxygen, heartrate, and blood pressure dropped severely twice and felt like she wasn't going to make it through. A friend was with her. She got DNR papers and will not be trying to save her life at this point. She wants to live, but is too overwhelmed physically and emotionally spent doing all of this by herself, so when the chest pains came, she chose not to take her nitroglycerin- the chest pains came when the benzodiazepine withdrawal set in and she can't find a doctor to help her. They know she nearly died in 2010 and gave her doctor the pictures of her dying, letters from her mother, her friend Mindy Upton who had to be there to help, the therapist asking the doctor for mercy for Tamara not to do this again to her. He saw all the pictures and knows a funeral home was called, that she was sent to Arizona to save her life after $6,000 was spent to save her by her mother, but he won't listen. She's getting worn out. Due to this, she is becoming more bedridden and her central nervous system is taking a beating. Yesterday (10/4/17), her blood pressure shot up high and her resting heart rate was over 100bpm trying to compensate for the stress the body is under from the dehydration she keeps trying to beat from the digestive problems and from the benzodiazepine withdrawal. Her next appointment is 10/18/17. She has 2 caregivers now and a social worker who comes to her house to do wellness checks. One was a nurse who affirmed that she will die from this withdrawal if she can't find a doctor willing to prescribe the medication she needs. She doesn't like asking for financial help, but is having to still. The social worker helped put in paperwork for free housing, but it may take a year. Her rent is only $140 right now, but with no income, she is still relying on her brothers and sisters for help. Her current budget to keep living with no "frills" in life is $450 which includes her medication, housing, electric bill, phone... but she will be without heat this winter again (she was without in 2014 for a month and was very, very cold) because she has no money to pay for a propane fill. If anyone can help with that, please do. Thank you!!
Tam's doctor is considering this possible cancer from the recent biopsy. They discussed removal of the large nodule and that if it is cancer after the biopsy two weeks ago, it will not cure her of what looks to be Carcinoid Cancer / Neruoendocrine Tumor. She needs prayer about getting an Octreoscan or Gallium 68 scan for further confirmation since one of the blood markers came back positive. Thank you --Laura
Tamara is a friend of mine (I know her personally) and she is in a bad situation right now. Being bedridden limits her options greatly and her church is not helping at this time.
She is undergoing testing for cancer (like biopsies) that she doesn't have the funds to cover. She also is at risk of losing her home because of the lack of finances. While being sick with all this happening her husband abandoned her in April leaving her with the bills. Please prayerfully consider helping her and remember NO donation is too small! We don't have to move mountains to be the hands and feet of Christ. **NO donation is small. I can tell you she cried when someone gave her a $10 bill to pay for a medication. Small gifts like that touch her heart. Last month she had to sell off most of her food at crazy low prices to pay her bills**
Tam is a sweet, funny and kind woman who is always seeming to make the best of her situation and trusting the Lord the whole way. She's been a blessing to me and others. She is full of joy even in her trials. But what an emotional toll as well that also affects her health! It's awful to see her go through this with so very few coming alongside to help and such very little resources. She's an open book and if you would like to get in touch with her let me know- she would love to hear from you!
- Carolyn Darwin-Smith
- Carolyn Smith
- Carolyn Smith
- Carolyn Smith
- Carolyn Smith
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