Hi friends, family, concerned citizens and anyone who has recently cried while looking at a gas pump —

My goal is simple:

Raise enough money to relocate somewhere I can afford both rent AND happiness. After Googling the estimate cost to move from California to Florida it came up with an amount of $5k – $10,500 so I split the difference which is why I chose $7,500.

After 22 years of surviving in California, it’s come to this. I’ve reached my breaking point and retired. I can no longer emotionally recover from paying luxury prices for basic survival. Not a coffee drinker myself I witnessed someone spend $9 on iced coffee and although I didn’t say a word my WTF face said it all for me.

So, I’ve made the difficult but necessary decision to relocate to Florida, where:

• Parking exists.

• Humidity builds character.

• And people still believe a 2-bedroom apartment shouldn’t cost the GDP of a small nation.

Unfortunately, escaping California is expensive. Before they let you leave, they make you:

• Pay one final utility bill that somehow costs $400.

• Sit in traffic for 6 hours.

• And survive one emotionally devastating trip to Trader Joe’s trying to find a parking space (see above parking reference).

Your donations will help cover:

• Moving truck expenses.

• Gas money (please understand I drive approximately a five-mile radius from home to the grocery store, CVS and The

Dollar Tree).

• Emotional support.

• Emergency sunscreen for Florida.

• Anti-alligator preparedness training.

• My first “Florida Man” encounter survival kit.

Donation tiers:

• $5 — I will think warmly of you while stuck in traffic for 2 hours.

• $25 — You sponsor one emotional breakdown at the DMV.

• $50 — I’ll send you a “I MADE IT OUT” postcard from a swamp or Alligator Alcatraz, whichever you prefer.

• $100 — I legally change my middle name to “Humidity.”

• $500 — You can help choose my new Florida personality.

I know Florida isn’t perfect. Yes, there are hurricanes. Yes, there are giant bugs. Yes, there’s a nonzero chance I’ll see a man wrestling an iguana in a Walmart parking lot (maybe). But as a typical senior citizen, I’m now looking forward to early bird specials, going to bed at 8pm and waking up at 4:30am and being first in line at Publix for a fresh chicken tender release of the day. Good times.

But I can’t keep living like this — checking my bank balance before ordering GUACAMOLE like it’s a life decision.

So, I’m loading up the truck and moving from Beverly, Hills that is. That was just for comic relief, (you must be a senior, or close to it, to get that reference) but in reality, just The Valley.

Thank you for supporting my journey from overpriced avocado toast to affordable chaos.

Godspeed.