Threats, holes in the walls, raised fists, screaming, cheating, walking on eggshells. They stole a key to my apartment and just walked in one day while I was sleeping. The fear feels like someone squeezing my chest.

I absolutely have to get away for good.

When I have the thought, "why me", I remind myself... why anybody? No one deserves chronic suffering. Pain is a part of life, but cruelty is a choice that people make. In a show about domestic violence, the main character was told to focus on two things. 1. I chose to fight. and 2. I will win. Since seeing that, every time I wonder if I should have stayed with my abuser, I repeat these two things to myself. It doesn't make my heart less heavy.. but it does keep me going.

My name is Mara (they/them) and I'm multiply disabled, queer, trans, and AuDHD (autistic and adhd). Everything here is vulnerable and honest. It may seem overly dramatic.. but I promise it's not.

This is me and my kid, Caelan, on our first night in our new apartment in Portland, OR. My ex was packing the truck and driving from NC to OR, while Caelan and I flew ahead. For three weeks, we were really happy. It took three weeks for my ex to arrive with the truck.

I have trouble knowing how much of my story to tell.. it's a long story with a log of trauma.. I don't want to overwhelm people though.. so, to keep it brief I'll add updates and more information as I'm able or if anyone asks any questions. <3

In Nov of 2023, we moved 3,000 miles away from my home state of NC in order to find a queer and trans affirming place. I had also hoped the cooler weather would help me manage some aspects of my chronic illnesses. I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and many of the chronic illnesses that tend to go with it (POTS, MCAS, ME, Fibro, etc), but in 2021 I got long covid. My symptoms were severe and I've found very little help from the medical system. I was bedbound for a year and a half, but I still was determined to get out of that state and go somewhere safer. I am no contact with my birth family so all I had was my spouse and our son.

When we moved, my spouse was the sole income earner, as I was too sick to work. Now, without them, I have no steady income and no way to get on stable ground without help.

When we moved here, I had so much hope for a good life. A happy one. I know it sounds like a stereotype, but I really did believe it was a fresh start. I thought my abuser was just unhappy and lashing out and that it was something we could work on. Unfortunately, a change in environment couldn't fix my abusive marriage. They began targeting our teen who started asking me why their other parent had gotten so mean suddenly. So, I finally had no choice but to leave my ex after 25 years together. I never thought I'd become a statistic, but the family I came from was worse, so I tolerated so much that my conservative southern upbringing told me was completely normal. My ex and I met when we were young teenagers. The abuse started almost right away, but again, it was all just normal to me. I didn't know how to be on my own.

Through a lot of struggle and a lot of therapy, I'm ready to step into the person I believe I can be. Someone who can stand on their own and take care of my family. I have a vision for the future and I truly believe in it.. I have a lot of moments of doubt, but I keep repeating: "Don't give in to despair".

I have a small business that I'm working on in order to financially support myself and my also disabled son (they also have AuDHD, EDS and POTS). Without my ex, we've managed to start feeling safe again. I'm on medication for the trauma nightmares, I just finished an IOP (intensive outpatient program) that was really helpful, but we need to move to an affordable, safe apartment that my ex can't find. The goal is to have an apartment that I can afford to pay for on my own, without the help of my ex.

We're choosing to ask for help from our community, to rely on the innate compassion of people. I choose to have hope, but fundraising has been slow. I can't help but feel scared.

Please, if you can spare $20 or even just $5..anything will help and it would be so greatly appreciated. If not, I understand- money isn't good for anyone right now.. I get that. In that case, if you can share this or put me in touch with anyone that can help, programs, charities.. anything could make a big difference.. Thank you

Q&A:

1. How will the money be used?

-Everything goes directly into an ABLE account (a type of savings account for disabled people to help us save and use money for necessities without losing other benefits such as SNAP or medicaid), meaning that funds can only be used for necessities such as housing, transportation, disability aids, and utilities.

2. How will this help?

-The main goal is to use funds to move into affordable housing (less than 1K per month) so that I can have the best chance of being able to pay the bills on my own, as well as moving to a place where my ex doesn't know the address and cannot find me and my son.

3. If you have a small business, why do you need a fundraiser?

-My small business is indeed very small. Meaning that I work out of my apartment, go to vending events, and have a website. I'm not currently making a steady amount of money. I have no savings. I'm working on building it up, but tge need to move is immediate.