My name is Kathy Merrill and this is the story about finding Denise

Two and a half years ago I decided to go to the streets of Ft. worth, Texas to find my friend Denise Rutkowski.

I met Denise back in the eighties. We were close friends and trained together. I have so many memories of her bright smile and generous spirit…. like one hot Texas summer day when my mother was trying to get me to mow her lawn because my dad had not been feeling well. I was giving her pushback and Denise immediately went outside and mowed the lawn for my parents. That’s how she was. She would literally give you her last dollar.

Denise was laser focused on competing in the Ms. Olympia so she moved to California to pursue that dream. And as many of you know, she placed second her very first time on the Olympia stage. She was amazing.

She and I kept in touch and spent some holidays together when she would come back to Texas. But about a year after the 1993 Olympia, we lost touch.

Unfortunately, her life took a turn for the worse and for many different reasons, including struggles with mental health and addiction, she ended up homeless on the streets of Fort Worth, Texas for almost two decades.

I was raising a daughter on my own, but I I kept in touch with Denise‘s mother who would give me updates about how she was doing.

After my daughter went off to college, I again inquired about Denise and her mother told me she was in “bad shape”. There was a gentleman who would go and check on Denise and provide updates to her mother who, by that time, was elderly. He would take her food and clothes and aside from that she had little to no human contact.

She lived in an area on the streets that is too horrific to describe. She literally slept on the sidewalks. She was outside regardless of how hot it was, regardless of how cold it was or if it was raining. She sat covered up under a hooded jacket, even in the Texas heat. She was surrounded by people who are dangerous, people who wanted to do her harm, and on numerous occasions, did do her harm.

But amazingly, all on her own, and under those extreme conditions, she got herself clean and sober. And she chose to sit alone day after day…month after month… and year after year rather than sit with other groups of homeless people who were using drugs and drinking.

So, with her mother‘s permission, I decided to go visit her. I thought maybe since we had at one time been close, I would be able to build up trust and in some way help her.

So…off I went driving through the drug infested areas of town where you would see people shooting up out in the open and where they would have to find a good place by the closest tree to defecate or urinate.

I took a friend with me since I did not know what I was walking into, and the gentleman who had been checking on her showed me where to find her that first visit. When we pulled up, she was laying on the sidewalk close to the street.

When she heard us, she quickly stood up almost in a defense mode. I approached her slowly with pictures of us from years ago in hand in case she didn’t recognize me. She looked at me with wide and curious eyes. And after a few minutes, she seemed so excited to see a friendly and familiar face. her speech was unintelligible, but I was able to discern some of what she was saying.

We stood in that vacant parking lot “visiting” for about an hour when it started to get dark. Some unsavory people started to gather around and I knew it was time to leave. I told her I would like to start visiting her… I gave her a hug and as I got in my car, my heart sank. I just sat there in disbelief as she went and sat back down alone on the concrete.

We drove away leaving her there in the darkness and with the thickness of that sadness.

I didn’t know exactly what I was going to be able to do. I didn’t know what was even possible. All I knew was I would never be able to live with myself if I didn’t try to do something.

So I started visiting her every weekend sometimes under a bridge, sometimes in an alley…sometimes I would have to drive around a bit before I could find her. I took baskets of goodies for Easter and gifts that she could open on Christmas Eve

What became apparent, after a few visits, was that she had become disconnected from her own sense of humanness.

She lived in constant survival mode…always having to think about where she was going to sit and where she was going to sleep… always being aware of who was around her.

She had lived for years with people looking at her with disgust and treating her with no respect.

She took responsibility for her plight and felt she was not deserving of anything better or of being cared for. And, astonishingly, she was always in a cheerful mood, would never ask for anything, and was so very grateful for anything that was given to her.

I quickly realized love and consistency were what it would take to penetrate that protective barrier that had built up over so many years. I kept showing up even during times when I felt like we were making no progress and even when I felt like we were regressing.

She was an hour away from me so, thankfully, my nephew and sister offered to become part of her care team as they live just 15 minutes from her. My sister started putting together care packages of sandwiches, fresh fruit, napkins, water and Gatorade, etc. And my nephew would drive around, find her and deliver them.

Sometimes, on really hot days, I would ask him to go to the store and get a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and deliver it to her. That wasn’t always easy, but he did it on numerous occasions and also would deliver hot meals from restaurants.

Little by little and over time, she started trusting us… the hooded jacket came off, she began to be able to speak a bit better, and I started to see glimpses of the person I knew again… the person who knew she was deserving of love.

It took almost a year to convince her to get in the car with me and several more months before she would come to my house for a visit. And months later she agreed to an apartment that was being offered as part of a government program for the homeless. Shortly thereafter, there was an episode that put her in the hospital, where she finally got the care and medication she needed.

There were some ups and downs after that, but she was able to converse normally, and realized she deserves to have a home. And as many of you know, she agreed to take an apartment this past April. She is receiving medical care, is staying on her medication and loves her apartment.

Knowing all that background, maybe you’ll understand why the following is so emotionally huge.

I’ve been trying to get her to come back to my house for months and a couple weeks ago, she finally did.

For the first time in over 20 years, she watched videos of some of her competitions from back in the day. She played with my puppies, went shopping with me and even agreed to go to a movie. When she was picking out her snacks at the theater, I don’t think her smile could’ve been any bigger.

I often have to remind myself that this is someone who hasn’t been in touch with the world for 20 years. She knows nothing of social media, smartphones, or of fancy theaters with reclining seats. When the movie was over, she didn’t jump up and gather her things, but sat there in awe until the very last credit rolled.

I can’t explain how joyous that day was for both of us. This story is an incredible one…not only because of all the effort that has gone into making that day possible and not only because of everyone who has donated money, clothes and food. For me…this story is also incredible because of her. It’s about her.

She used resiliency, tenacity, discipline and determination to make her the second best female bodybuilder in the world and she used those same attributes to find herself again and to let someone else “find her” again. I’m always cautious because there are still many obstacles but I am so proud of her. It has been my privilege to be a part of her journey. I have learned so much from her without her even trying to teach me.

Thank you all for allowing me to share this with you. And thank you for your continued support, thoughts, and prayers over the years.

We are so thankful for the previously mentioned government funded program that is assisting Denise with her medical expenses, rent and utilities. And I have to give credit to her amazing Social Worker who did not give up on her until she was placed in an apartment.

Denise has applied for disability, but as many of you may know, that process can take years. I have raised money amongst my friends and those funds along with previous GoFundMe proceeds have been used for groceries and other living expenses.

I will be starting a new GoFundMe to raise money to give Denise a modest monthly allowance until her disability benefits are hopefully approved.

Denise is 63 years old. It is my intention to help her live out the rest of her life in comfort and peace and knowing she is loved.