Hey, friends.

Hey everybody.

It's time for some painful vulnerability on my part, which doesn't come easily for me.

I have been meaning to make this post for... a ridiculous amount of time. I was definitely going to do it on my birthday, then... really going to do it on Thanksgiving... finally going to post it on Christmas... you get the idea.

But that winning combination of hyper-independent pride and capitalist shame won out. It's not easy for me to admit I need help.

Anyone who knows me knows I'd rather chew off my own arm Anyway.

First... I should address the fact that I have... more or less effectively gone MIA from... pretty much everybody for the better half of the past year and a half.

After being faced with the utter devastation of facing my baby girl, Cassie... having an extremely aggressive form of cancer... to the series of extraordinarily shittily timed events that transpired directly afterward... yeah.

This past year & a half beat the shit out of me.

I've spent the past year dissociated from my emotions because that's the only way I could make it through the days.

I distanced myself from nearly everyone in my life... save one or two friends. And even with them, I have only managed to report the fact that I'm still alive once a week.

I haven't been able to respond to messages. I haven't been able to answer phone calls.

Because if I told anyone what was going on in my life... I'd break down crying. And I'm not a crier.

To make a very long story short...

Last year when I was brushing Cassie aka Princess Fluffy Butt, I found a tiny bump on her back. It didn't cause immediate alarm, but I was concerned. I kept monitoring it every day... and it started to grow in size. Then I found another one. And another one in her mouth. I panicked. Immediate vet visit the next day.

We had several different tests performed over the course of a week... and when I brought her back into the vet... she entered the room with tears in her eyes.

Not a great sign.

She told me my girl likely had the most aggressive form of cancer a dog can get. It primarily affects German Shepherds, Golden Retrievers, Labradors, and pit bulls. My childhood Golden died from the same cancer.

I asked about the treatment options... prepared to do anything I needed to do to help my baby.

The vet told me the only course of action would be aggressive chemo. But at Cassie's age... her practice does not do aggressive chemo for older dogs. And I would be hard-pressed to find one that would.

I was utterly devastated. But I refused to accept that answer. Because Cassie was still in fantastic health in every other way... she had zero mobility problems. She was still full of life... hunting rabbits... running around... dead jumping onto my bed 3 ft off the ground.

Cassie wasn't ready to give up. And neither was I.

So I did what autists do best. I immediately got to obsessively researching every possible cure/treatment that has ever been recorded. And I found some promising discoveries. I ordered everything I found immediately.

But... more unfortunate events were coming up the turnpike.

My job couldn't work with me to give me a few days off to give her the medications I had ordered and be by her side to make sure she was comfortable and monitor her reactions. So I was faced with the decision... let my dog die slowly at home while I was away 10-12 hours every day... or take the time with my baby and find a new job.

I chose the latter. I'm single, I have no kids... I didn't have a roommate... and my family lives 3,000 miles away. Cassie is all I have. And I felt like this was the only right choice to make.

Between the vet bills, and the expensive treatments I was paying for all out of pocket... my savings began to dwindle.

But Cassie was getting better. Within a month... the tumors had decreased to half their size. I was over the moon with gratitude.

I found more work, but it didn't pay as well as my former one. After a few months, my savings were gone. And after 6 months... I was falling behind on rent.

I had to leave the place I have lived in for the past 10 years. A place I've spent well over $200,000 in rent on. That shit broke me.

Since then... Cassie and I have been doing our best to keep it together.

She's still doing amazing. But I feel like my anxiety and depression over losing pretty much everything just to take care of my baby is affecting her. The stress of constantly moving from place to place has taken a toll on both of us. I've been in touch with resources... but Washington State is completely bankrupt.

I'm trying my very best to keep my head up. But it's been difficult.

Very. Very. Difficult.

I haven't told my family what's going on. Anybody who knows me well knows... my family has a special talent for making bad situations worse.

I haven't told the majority of my friends what's been going on, either. I haven't been able to. Out of shame... emotional exhaustion... futility... and I hate pity.

I haven't made a single post about it... until now... for the same reasons.

I know this was a long read and most people won't bother... But if you took the time to read this just know I'm grateful. Truly.

I know things are tough for everyone right now. But if either me, or Cassie... have ever helped you in any way, made you smile, artistically infodumped on you in a helpful way , been there for you... and you have the means to help...

It would mean the absolute world to both of us. And you will be directly helping improve our situation in a major way. Anything helps. And will be appreciated beyond words.

And to everyone else... thank you for caring enough to read this. ❤️